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Baal Shem Tov Insights – Issue 51: Emor 5771
How to Speak
The Secret to Influencing Others
Summary
Who has not been tempted to criticize and
chastise someone who we feel is behaving inappropriately? Who of us is not
guilty of speaking harshly even to a loved one?
But have your strong words ever impacted
someone? Have they inspired and motivated anyone to grow?
In the wake of the Osama bin Laden’s death,
we are reminded of the long history of religious violence, aggression perpetrated
in the name of faith, which has in our time come to the fore in the shape
of Muslim fundamentalism. One of the terribly mystifying things about Osama
bin Laden and Al Qaeda, and religion-based terrorism in general – which is
glaringly missing from the discourse presently consuming the pages of our
newspapers, screens and websites – is their modus operandi: The need to use
aggressive rhetoric and violence to achieve their religious goals.
In stark contrast, this week’s Torah portion
teaches us an alternative – the original – modus operandi on how to influence
others. This method – an approach driven by love and sensitivity – was epitomized
by the Baal Shem Tov, who adamantly challenged the preachers in his time who
would harshly rebuke their listeners.
* * *
To Rebuke or to Ignore? To Fight or
to Accept?
When witnessing a transgression our first
inclination may be to rebuke the transgressor, and chastise the perpetrator.
Others take the other extreme: denying or ignoring the problem.
On a larger scale and more extreme level,
this question has plagued religion from its inception: How should religious
authorities address the sinner? With zealous aggression and punishment or
with looking the other way? How should faith approach sin? Through annihilation
or tolerance? How should we confront evil? Through hate and war or through
Ghandi-like passive opposition?
The same can be asked of the parent and
educator: How to discipline a wayward and disobedient child or student? With
castigation or with passivity? With severity or leniency? Should we be unyielding
or accepting?
But is there another alternative? Is there
a way to remedy the problem without resorting to negative force? A way to
be kind without compromising strong values?
A Third Approach
The opening of this week’s Torah reading,
Emor, offers us a third approach.
The chapter begins with the words: “Speak
… and you shall tell them.” Our sages associate this commandment with the
obligation of education. The redundancy – “speak” and “tell them” – informs
us, says the Talmud, “to caution the adults concerning the children.” [1] The Hebrew word for “caution” – lihazhir
– shares the same root as the word zohar, meaning “radiance.” Also
the word for “speak” is emor (rather than dabeir), which means
to speak softly, kindly. [2]
This conveys a fundamental lesson about
education, especially religious education. We must speak softly and kindly
to our children and students, educate them about life’s dangers, but do so
in a way that radiates the beauties of life.
Discipline is a most necessary component
in the education. An unshaped and impressionable child needs direction and
guidance to grow into a healthy and virtuous adult. Discipline helps avoid
the pitfalls and traps of our own selfishness.
Yet, how often do we witness – and how
many of us have been hurt if not damaged – by discipline devoid of love? Especially
in the religious world, how many of us have been affected by dogmatic, fear
driven discipline?! We have witnessed the devastating psychological effects
of many people growing up in homes and schools where they were indoctrinated
with fear and guilt, and threatened with the wrath of God.
Educate with Love
But the Torah clearly tells us – indeed,
it actually commands us – to educate our children with radiance and love.
Discipline is necessary, but as a dimension in radiance, kindness and love.
As it is in the microcosm so is it in the
macrocosm – in the nature of religion: Passionate faith can spill over into
dogma and intolerance. We must be vigilant that the path of faith should be
saturated with love and inspiration
Emor utterly negates Bin Laden’s intolerant and violent
methods of religious coercion. It teaches us that we must always approach
faith with gentleness and love. And that is the ultimate way of affecting
people, even infidels.
The Baal Shem Tov’s Opposition to Rebuke
This Emor method – speaking gently
and kindly – was epitomized by the Baal Shem Tov, who adamantly challenged
the preachers in his time who would harshly rebuke their listeners. Many stories
with the Baal Shem Tov attest to this fact.
The Baal Shem Tov taught:
A person should give rebuke with love,
as the verse says, “G-d chastises whom He loves.” [3] However, one who seeks to aggrandize
himself by admonishing others, or who rebukes solely to make a living, and
tries to arouse the audience with a wailing voice, as alluded to in the verse, [4]
“My tears were my bread,” arouses stringent judgment against the Jewish people,
as alluded to in the verse, "G-d sent the venomous serpents against the
people," [5] which refers to two
types of admonishers.
This can be understood with a parable:
There was once a king who banished his
only son from his presence, but sent two of his servants to keep an eye on
him. After a while, one of the servants returned and slandered the prince
to his father for misbehavior. The second servant also returned with the same
report of misbehavior, however, he spoke out of pain for the king's pain,
and pain for the prince who was banished from his father's presence to the
point where he had completely forgotten how to conduct himself in a royal
fashion, and all his royal grandeur and been transformed into disgrace. [6] Upon hearing the second servant's
words, the king had compassion on his son and sent to fetch him.
Similarly, there is a type of admonisher
who speaks out publicly in condemnation of the Jewish people, thus arousing
the Primal Serpent, as alluded to in the verse, "G-d sent the venomous
serpent against the people," who poisoned them with their venomous words.
[First of all, these admonishers are hypocrites, because they are really interested
in their own personal benefits, despite their claim that they are concerned
about G-d's honor. Secondly, they are shaming people while exonerating themselves
from rebuke.] [7]
However, one should include oneself together with the audience, as the verse
alludes, [8] “Rebuke, rebuke your friend, and don't
bear any sin for him.” [The repetition] alludes that one should first rebuke
oneself before rebuking another.
There are three categories [of rebukers]: gold, silver,
and bronze. The Hebrew word for bronze is nechosheth,
which resembles nachash, which means a snake. These
are the rebukers who arouse dissent, as said: they are "bronze,"
nechosheth - snakes. Then there is a category of gold, which
is total mercy and compassion. Silver is the third, in-between,
approach, to rebuke but with pleasant words of love, which
enter the heart of the listener.
Speaking with Sensitivity
One day, the Baal Shem Tov instructed several
of his disciples to embark on a journey. The Baal Shem Tov did not tell them
where to go, nor did they ask; they allowed divine providence to direct their
wagon where it may, confident that the destination and purpose of their trip
would be revealed in due time.
After traveling for several hours, they
stopped at a wayside inn to eat and rest. Now the Baal Shem Tov's disciples
were pious Jews who insisted on the highest standards of kashrut; when
they learned that their host planned to serve them meat in their meal, they
asked to see the shochet of the house, interrogated him as to his knowledge
and piety and examined his knife for any possible blemishes. Their discussion
of the kashrut standard of the food continued throughout the meal,
as they inquired after the source of every ingredient in each dish set before
them.
As they spoke and ate, a voice emerged
from behind the oven, where an old beggar was resting amidst his bundles.
"Dear Jews," it called out, "are you as careful with what comes
out of your mouth as you are with what enters into it?"
The party of chassidim concluded their
meal in silence, climbed onto their wagon and turned it back toward Mezhibuzh.
They now understood the purpose for which their master had dispatched them
on their journey that morning.
The Secret to Influencing Others
As a young man, the late chassid Rabbi
Sholom Ber Gordon, once asked the Frierdiker Rebbe how one is supposed to
speak with others who may deserve a few strong words. “Should I use harsh
words of rebuke?” Rabbi Gordon wondered.
The Rebbe replied: “Since you traveled
through Turkey, and everything offers us a lesson in serving G-d, learn from
the method used in a Turkish Bath. A person first enters the hot, steamy room.
Once he has warmed up, relaxed, absorbed the heat and is perspiring freely,
he climbs to a higher bench in the steam room, where it is even hotter due
to the rising heat. After he has thoroughly been saturated with the heat,
he leaves the room and asks an attendant to smack him with oak leaves…
“This is how we must speak with another,
even one who may need some rebuke: First warm him up, with kind and loving
words. Then elevate him to a higher plane. And then… he will ask you to smack
him…
Inspiring through Love
Witnessing the great destruction done by
fundamentalists who not only rebuke but also resort to violence in trying
to impose their faith on others, the lesson of Emor has never been more important.
Instead of aggression or passivity, Emor
calls upon us to influence but through the soft approach of love, that reaches
into the heart and helps motivate a person to mend his ways and grow.
Even if rebuke may work at times, it often
ends up demoralizing and breaking a person, instead of motivating him.
So in the final analysis the most the most
influential tool to change the world is gentleness.
Sources: Toldos Yaakov Yosef Parshas Kedoshim. Keser Shem
Tov sections 131. 262.
© Copyright 2011 The Meaningful Life Center.
