Real Men Do Cry: The Kabbalah of Masculine Energy
There’s a stereotype out there, one you hear time and again: Real Men Don’t Cry. A man is tough, strong, doesn’t give in to his emotions. It suggests, quite demeaningly, that women are somehow weaker, more emotional, lacking the same presence of mind. As Lawrence Taylor, the famed New York Giants linebacker, once said when asked how he played injured, “It’s mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
But this idea of self-control, this notion that women are more prone to emotional shifts while men remain stoic, where did it come from? Is there truth to it? Is there something inherently wrong with vulnerability, with expressing emotion when necessary, when it’s simply part of the human experience? Of course, composure and control are valuable, but why must this be a masculine versus feminine issue? Some argue that women possess inner strengths far exceeding men’s. Clearly, confusion abounds about these very matters. What truly defines the masculine archetype? The feminine?
Let’s explore this.
The Challenge of Perception
The difficulty, to be frank, is that our culture has already established certain standards – different cultures have different norms, of course, but I’m referring here to the Western World. These standards dictate what a man should do, what a woman should do. Many have been challenged, but their presence remains. None of us are exempt. I was shaped by the influences in my life – my parents, siblings, relatives, educators, friends, even societal pressures and expectations. You have been too.
We aren’t dealing with a clean slate. We can’t simply talk about this objectively, because we all carry preconceived notions of what it means to be a man or a woman. This colors how we see ourselves and others. When challenged, we’re not just considering new information, but confronting deeply ingrained beliefs. This is the first hurdle: overcoming existing perceptions, the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity.
Acknowledging this helps us approach the issue with more objectivity. We can recognize the prevailing view – this is what a man is “supposed” to be like – and then compare it to what’s possible, what’s healthy. The fact that we may have a distorted view of men – as emotionless, macho, tough leaders who must be strong for everyone else while ignoring their own feelings – is something we can and should challenge.
The Backlash and its Complications
Another layer of complexity stems from the historical abuse of power by men – the overt, covert, and subtle ways in which male hierarchy has marginalized women. This has rightfully sparked a backlash, but one that further clouds the picture. Men placing themselves in positions of power and leadership, receiving higher pay, enjoying more rights – all while women have had to fight tooth and nail for equality. This struggle, as some put it, is women fighting by men’s rules. What has this done to our self-perception, to how we view men and women? Progress has been made, but it’s a response to a history of abuse. Despite legislation, men (or anyone in a position of power) may still try to dominate those with less power – be it physical, psychological, economic, or political.
This power dynamic adds to the complexity of the issue.
Returning to the Source: A Deeper Look
I’d like to take us back to the roots – to biblical and mystical texts that speak of the quintessential masculine and feminine archetypes. For our purposes, we’ll focus on the masculine, particularly fitting given the recent occasion of Father’s Day. This provides a template, a framework. From there, we can assess our current position within that context.
My intention isn’t to present this dogmatically, but to offer context, a foundation for discussion. Challenge anything, but first, let’s establish what masculine and feminine energy truly represent, then examine our attitudes and perceptions within that framework. Only then can we determine if we’re embodying the healthiest versions of ourselves.
The Dance of Expression and Intimacy
There are many starting points, but Deborah Tannen’s work on communication between men and women offers a compelling anecdote. She posits that from childhood, boys bond through shared activities, their actions speaking volumes. Girls, on the other hand, connect through conversation – not necessarily seeking advice, but finding intimacy in the act of sharing itself. This suggests that for men, action is love; for women, communication is love. While this holds a degree of truth, particularly within our societal framework, I want to go further back, thousands of years to the story of Creation in Genesis.
The creation of human beings, male and female, is described as a single, androgynous being made in the Divine image. It’s a spiritual blueprint, later separated into masculine and feminine counterparts, each complementing the other. This is key: we’re not talking about a battle of the sexes, but two halves of a whole, originating from a single Divine source. While men and women share more in common than not, their differences are significant.
Kabbalistic interpretations offer further insight into these differences. They explain that there are two forms of divine, spiritual energy: expressive and intimate/reflective (or internal, introspective).
We all need to be “go-getters” at times. We find the bakery when we need bread; we network and apply for jobs to sustain ourselves. To survive in this world, we take action, we protect ourselves and our loved ones. This requires outward expression, a venturing beyond our internal domain. While I hesitate to use the words “conqueror” and “warrior,” this outward drive can easily manifest as a conquer-and-win mentality.
Then, there’s the inward energy, the energy of introspection. This is the energy of solitude, of meditation, of contemplating your purpose, your emotions, your inner world. This is a different energy entirely.
To use Kabbalistic terms, these two energies are different forms of ‘light’, one outward-flowing, the other inward-focused. While there’s overlap, this distinction forms the basis of the masculine and feminine archetypes. Every man possesses feminine energy, every woman masculine energy, and we need both. However, the masculine is predominantly about outward expression, the feminine about inward reflection.
The Nurturer and the Provider: A Delicate Balance
This explains why women are often considered nurturers. It’s not a pejorative term. Women often connect more easily with children, with others, through this intimate energy.
The Psalmist writes, “The dignity of the princess is within.” This inner dignity isn’t about accolades or recognition, but about peace within oneself. This is quintessential feminine energy, and just as vital for men as it is for women.
It’s no accident that women carry children for nine months. They are uniquely equipped – physically, emotionally, spiritually – to nurture. The child is immersed in the mother’s embryonic fluid, and by extension, her emotional world.
Men, on the other hand, are often gifted with physical strength. They are the ones who historically went out to chop wood, carry water, taming the elements. The Talmud recognizes this, noting that men toil in the fields, reaping grain, while women transform that grain into nourishing bread. Men bring the raw materials, women weave them into garments. Can a man bake? Can a woman work in the fields? Of course! However, this dynamic, while evolving, speaks to a fundamental difference in archetypal roles, roles meant to complement one another. There is no greater or lesser, only different, and both are essential.
However, when this dynamic becomes distorted, when we lose sight of our roles, problems arise. The idea that men are solely warriors and conquerors, focused on material pursuits, has led to an imbalance.
Reclaiming True Masculinity: Strength in Vulnerability
The purpose of the warrior is to tame the elements, to confront hostile forces in order to create a safe, nurturing space. But when this becomes an end in itself, when career and material wealth become the ultimate goal, something is lost.
Materialism, in many ways, is the result of masculine energy gone astray. It forgets its purpose. Materialism should be a means to an end, a way to provide for a family, to contribute to the world. This is where the feminine comes into play, bringing balance. The man brings home the grain, the woman makes the bread. Material resources are meant to support spiritual growth.
When men lose their way in the pursuit of material wealth, it often leaves women to shoulder the emotional burdens of the family. This inevitably leads to resentment and rebellion.
The taming of the “male,” then, is not about suppressing strength or drive, but about harnessing it. It’s about remembering that chopping wood isn’t the goal – it’s about using that wood to build a fire, to warm the home, or to sell it and provide for loved ones. It’s about taming the material world, about channeling masculine energy towards a meaningful purpose.
Which brings us back to crying.
When we buy into the stereotype of men as unemotional conquerors, there’s no room for tears, for vulnerability. But the battle was never meant to define us. Yes, sometimes we must fight, but that’s not our identity.
Our identity is as spiritual beings who express ourselves, who venture out to shape the world around us. But this cannot be the only goal. There’s immense beauty in vulnerability, in being real, in expressing our emotions authentically.
Integrating the Masculine and Feminine: A Path to Wholeness
I’ve spoken with many people who feel torn between these two worlds. I think of one man in particular, a businessman known for his tough negotiating, a real shark (though an ethical one). Yet at home, he was a gentle, loving father and husband.
He described it as having two separate personalities. At work, he wore armor, which he’d then shed upon returning home. This fragmentation, this compartmentalization, takes a toll.
Can we bring the gentleness we cultivate in our personal lives into our professional spheres? Some argue it’s not realistic, that it leaves you vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
This same businessman, after reading my book, Toward a Meaningful Life, was particularly struck by the chapter on work and productivity. It spoke to him about the idea of our work nourishing our inner lives, of the masculine providing for and supporting the feminine within each of us.
He decided to put a charity box on his desk, a small act of generosity. He started meetings by putting in a few coins, encouraging others to do the same. It changed the tone of his interactions. Negotiations were still tough, but a new dimension had been introduced. People saw him as a human being, not just a business associate.
He began giving out copies of Toward a Meaningful Life, further shifting the dynamic. People opened up, sharing about their families, their lives outside of work. Relationships became more trusting. He hadn’t compromised his business acumen, but rather, revealed his humanity, reminding everyone that work wasn’t the be-all and end-all.
This is what it means to tame the masculine, to harness its power without losing sight of our shared humanity.
Real men do cry. They allow themselves to be vulnerable, to be authentic, without needing to prove anything. The relentless drive to compete, to conquer, to be the strongest loses its hold. Success remains important, but it’s not driven by dominance, but by a desire to reveal the true nature of our hearts and souls. That is the purpose of existence. Everything else is but a means to that end.
This is a vast and complex topic, and I hope I’ve offered some valuable insights. It’s time to reclaim true masculinity, to embrace vulnerability and compassion alongside strength and drive. By integrating these seemingly disparate energies, we build a better world for ourselves, our families, and generations to come.
This has been Simon Jacobson from meaningfullife.com, where you can find this and many other programs. Please subscribe to our offerings and our growing YouTube channel, and please share this with others. I’d love to hear your feedback, your thoughts, your comments. Be blessed, and let’s combine both forces together – the expressive and the intimate – to express the inexpressible and allow the inexpressible to be expressed. Be well. Thank you so much.
This program is brought to you by the Meaningful Life Center. Please help us continue our programs; make even a small contribution at meaningfullife.com/donate.
