How to Forgive When You Can’t Forget: Rabbi Simon Jacobson on Releasing Deep Wounds and Moving Forward
Few things weigh on us more than the pain we can’t seem to release. For many, memories of betrayal, heartbreak, or mistreatment feel permanently etched into our minds—sometimes as vivid as the day they happened. Living with such scars isn’t just a matter of the past; it shapes how we perceive ourselves, trust others, and even approach love and purpose. But what if there’s a way to move forward, even when forgetting seems impossible?
Why Forgiveness Feels Impossible
Rabbi Simon Jacobson often speaks to people grappling with the struggle of letting go—be it an old wound from childhood, a recent fallout between friends, or the heavy weight of personal regret. Some wounds never fully fade. Imagine a friend who was betrayed by a business partner years ago; despite building a new life, a certain bitterness resurfaces at every sign of mistrust in others. Or a sibling estranged over a misunderstanding, both longing for reconciliation but uncertain how to erase the hurt. These scenarios are all too real, and the notion of “forgive and forget” sometimes sounds more like wishful thinking than actionable advice.
The Wisdom of Jewish Forgiveness
Jewish wisdom recognizes the complexity of true forgiveness. As Rabbi Jacobson teaches, forgiveness isn’t about erasing your memory or denying that something happened. In fact, growth begins when you acknowledge the pain rather than bury it. The Torah and Chassidic tradition urge us not to be defined by our wounds, but to journey through them and emerge with greater self-awareness.
Drawing from the mystical idea that the soul has layers beyond rational thought, Rabbi Jacobson explains that wounds can become gateways. Much like the story of Moses pleading for divine forgiveness after the greatest national betrayal, it’s often by digging deeper—beyond the obvious hurt—that we discover resources in ourselves we never knew existed.
From Pain to Power: Practical Steps for Letting Go
- Differentiate between Forgiveness and Forgetting: It is normal to remember. Letting go doesn’t require erasing your history, but rather redefining your relationship to it. Allow yourself to recall the lesson, not just the pain.
- Shift Identity from Victim to Survivor: Each of us can choose whether a wound will shape our core identity. Start by reframing the story: Instead of “I am what happened to me,” practice saying “I am how I responded and grew from my experience.”
- Release the Power of the Past: Take an honest inventory. Are you allowing past hurt to dictate your decisions today? Try journaling moments when old memories rise up, so you can consciously note patterns and gently challenge them.
- Seek Deeper Meaning: Rabbi Jacobson points to the possibility of accessing “super-conscious” inner strengths that may otherwise remain dormant. Use meditation, prayer, or mindful quiet to ask: What is this pain trying to teach me? How can I use it to become more compassionate and resilient?
- Ritualize Letting Go: Jewish tradition offers practical exercises, such as reciting specific prayers or symbolically casting away one’s burdens (e.g., during tashlich on Rosh Hashana). Consider creating your own ritual at home—a letter written but not sent, or a physical gesture like releasing a stone into a river—to mark the act of moving forward.
- Seek Support: Sometimes letting go requires help. Reach out to a mentor, friend, or counselor to help process stubborn pain with empathy and honesty.
Don’t Let Your Past Define Your Future
The journey of forgiveness is not always linear. There may be days when old memories return with force. Rather than despair, view these moments as reminders of your capacity for transformation. Every scar can serve as both warning and wisdom. Rabbi Jacobson’s approach is to encourage us not to become prisoners of history, but authors of a new chapter—one where pain is a paragraph, not the whole story.
Jewish wisdom, when opened up with honesty and heart, reveals that you do not have to choose between forgiving and forgetting. You can remember without being shackled to bitterness. As you move forward, you give yourself permission to shape your life according to meaning and growth, rather than hurt and regret.
For further depth on releasing the past and renewing your spirit, explore the Meaningful Life Center for thoughtful resources and community support.
