Exposing Abuse


Dear Rabbi,

As chief-editor of a news website I commend you for courageously addressing one of the worst curses plaguing our community: child abuse.

I receive many submissions exposing child molesters and various forms of abuse in our communities. I would like you to discuss the issue of publicizing this information. On one hand, many argue that we are prohibited from “loshon hora,” speaking ill of others, even if it may be true. On the other hand how can any responsible person ignore the issue that has such devastating effects and just “push it under the rug”?

Please reply. Your response will not only be appreciated, but will guide us in setting policy what to post and what not to post on our public site.

I believe that you have the power to spearhead a major campaign, headed by real Rabbis and activists, to address this issue for the benefit of the larger community. The gravity of abuse and its terrible consequences requires that we do nothing less than wake up, shake up and turn the community upside down.
I am willing to dedicate to this discussion as much space as necessary on our site. Please let’s push and help our kinderlech (children)…

Thank you,


Thank you for your supporting words and confidence. I am not really sure whether I can live up to your expectations to spearhead any major effort, but I can try adding my small contribution to this vital topic.

The only reason I have for the last few weeks been writing about abuse is precisely due to its far-reaching and devastating effects on so many lives. And not just for now, but for generations to come. Everything we build and teach our children, all our investments and dedication to good, all our moral standards, our entire education system, can be wiped out in one fell swoop when we or our children are violated.

I have been trained in the Torah way of thinking that any question we have must be framed in objective context, and weighed by various moral criteria that help us achieve some clarity. This is especially true for controversial and emotionally charged issues, due to their subjective effect on all of us – fear, anger, vengeance, shock, disbelief, and all the other complex feelings evoked by abuse.

The first of all ethical and Torah axioms must be stated at the outset: No one has a right to in any way violate in any way the body or soul of another human being. Indeed, we don’t even have the right to mutilate our own bodies, because your body does not belong to you; it is “Divine property.” Let alone someone else’s property. No crime is worse that assaulting another’s dignity – which is compared to the dignity of G-d Himself, being that every person was created in the Divine Image. Even a hanged murderer must not be defiled and his body not left to hang overnight because it reflects the Divine Image. How much more so – infinitely more so – regarding a live person and innocent child…

Abuse, in any form or shape, physical, psychological, verbal, emotional or sexual, is above all a violent crime – a terrible crime. Abusing another (even if it’s intangible) is no different than taking a weapon and beating someone to a pulp. And because of its terrible long-term effects, the crime is that much worse.

What do we do with violent criminals? We punish them. Once it has been determined that abuse was perpetrated, there should be consequences, both for the perpetrator and as a deterrent to other potential violators. The actual consequences need to be determined by local legal and Torah standards by the authorities on location. If for any reason the Torah authorities cannot deal with the situation, the only recourse is the same one employ for murderers, thieves and other criminals: legal action.

The next question is this: What are our obligations as parents, teachers, writers, website editors, or just plain adult citizens, when it comes to abuse?

On one hand we are talking about protecting innocent people from criminal predators, which clearly is a major obligation and priority concern. On the other hand, we do have laws prohibiting embarrassing people (even criminals) in public, always hopeful, allowing people to correct their ways. We have laws about avoiding gossip and speaking ill about others (loshon hora), and not feeding into the base instinct of “talking about others” or “mob mentality” witch-hunting expeditions.

We have several obligations when we see or know about a crime, as well as obligations to prevent further crimes:

1) A witness to a crime who does not testify “must bear his guilt” (Leviticus 5:1).

2) “Do not place a stumbling block before the blind” (Leviticus 19:14), which includes the obligation to warn someone from a danger we are aware of. If you see someone walking down the street and you know that further down the block there is an uncovered pit in the ground or a man with a gun, you are obligated to warn him.

If we are aware of a predator we must do everything possible to protect people from him.

3) “Do not stand still over your neighbor’s blood (when your neighbor’s life is in danger)” (Leviticus 19:16). It’s interesting to note that this commandment follows (in the same verse) “do not go around as a gossiper among your people,” suggesting that gossip is an issue only when no life is in danger. But if a life is in danger then “do not stand still” even if means speaking about it in public.

4) “You must admonish your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him” (ibid 17).

If one does not admonish, then he is responsible for the other’s sin (Sefer HaMitzvot, Positive 205; see Shabbat 54b. 119b). Though at the outset rebuke must be done “in private, kindly and gently,” not to embarrass him publicly (Arkhin 16b; Sefer HaMitzvoth, Negative 305), but if it doesn’t help, the obligation is to admonish him in pubic (Rambam Deos 6:8. Shulchan Aruch HaRav Hilchos Onaah v’Gneivas Daas 30).

This is true even about a crime that does not affect other people. All the care taken about public shame is because the crime does not affect the public. And even then, there are situations where the admonishment must be done publicly. By contrast, in our discussion about abuse, which affects others, all these restrictions do not apply: Embarrassment of a criminal is never an excuse a reason to put anyone else in potential danger.

Based on the above, I would submit that the following criteria to determine whether to publish and publicize the name of a molester:

1) The abuse must be established without a shred of doubt. Because just as we must protect the potential victims of abuse, we also are obligated to protect the reputations of the innocent, and not wrongly accuse anyone without evidence or witnesses.

2) Publicizing the fact will serve as a deterrent or even possible deterrent of further crimes, or will warn and protect possible future victims. If that is true, than “loshon hora” (speaking ill about someone) does not apply. It would be the equivalent of saying that it is “loshan hora” to warn someone of a weapon-wielding criminal who may cause harm!

If however publicity will not serve any benefit to the public, then there would be no reason to mention an individual’s name. For instance, if abuse took place years ago, and the crime has recently surfaced, unless publicizing the name could potentially protect future incidents, what point would there be to exposing the identity of the abuser? He may even have done teshuvah and been rehabilitated.

Even if he caused great damage to those he abused, and his victims want to get even and publicize his name, that alone may not be enough reason, unless it may help prevent future abuse. What may require further research is whether public shame in this instance is a legitimate form of punishment. This also touches upon the laws of forgiveness, which include the exception that one need not forgive if the perpetrator still needs to be humbled or if in the process the victim is being hurt.

3) Even if a name is not publicized, the issue of abuse itself must be addressed for the same reasons stated: To make the public aware of the dangers, to protect innocent children.

The argument that publicity will give the community a “bad name” and “why wash our dirty laundry in public?” does not supersede the obligation to protect the innocent from being hurt.

Anyone who suggests that abuse must be overlooked, because (as one person told me) it “happens all the time” and “by many people, including our leaders,” or for any other reasons – is not different than ignoring any other crime, and is in itself a grave crime.

One could even argue, that the greatest “Kiddush Hashem” (sanctifying G-d’s name) is when a Torah based community demonstrates that it doesn’t just mechanically follow the laws or isn’t merely concerned with reputations and shidduchim, but that it sets and demands the highest standard of accountability amongst its citizens, and invest the greatest possible measures to protect its children from predators, create trust and absolutely will not tolerate any breach or abuse. That the greatest sin of all is ignoring or minimizing crimes being perpetrated against our most innocent and vulnerable members: our children.

In conclusion: The bottom line in all matters regarding abuse is one and only one thing: Protecting the innocent. Not the reputation of an individual, not the reputation of the community, not anything but the welfare of our children. In every given case, whether to publicize or not, whether to take any other action or not, the question that must be asked is this: What is best for the potential victims? Will or can this action help prevent someone from being hurt or not? If the answer is yes or even maybe yes, then the action should be taken.

Obviously, this has to be looked at on a case-by-case basis, due to the different nuances in every given situation. And of course, there will be instances when there are exceptions due to unique circumstances. Therefore, it is vital that competent, sensitive and educated authorities be consulted when a question arises.

My writing is not meant to serve as a “psak halacha,” a legal ruling. Rather, simply an attempt to frame the issues in terms that can help us discuss the issues and come away with some measure of clarity.

Legal rulings require more in-depth review and analysis by experts, preferably by more than one, to establish a consensus.

But one thing is clear: The crisis has reached a boiling point where is must be addressed and brought to the attention of the public, if nothing else, to make everyone aware of the dangers, the long-term consequences and the zero-tolerance policy that needs to be applied to every form of abuse.

Anything less would be irresponsible, immoral, and, yes, is some way complicit.

* * *

This week’s Haftorah, the fourth of the seven weeks of comfort, accelerates the healing process from all forms of abuse against our children. It describes how G-d Himself – I, I (anochi, anochi) – comforts His people.

I, I am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, and the son of man, who will be made like grass. And have forgotten G-d, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth; so that you are constantly afraid of the oppressor’s fury as he prepares to destroy? And where is the oppressor’s fury?

Despite the impeccable logic, that we should not fear mere mortals in the face of a formidable G-d, the fact remains that we do fear them. As Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai told his students at his deathbed:

“May you fear G-d as much as you fear man.”

Oh, how life would be different if we did not fear, and could not be hurt by, people of flesh and blood. If we could only transcend the oppressor’s fury.

Yet, despite our short-sightedness, the Haftorah comforts us with the knowledge that our fears are unfounded and unnecessary. By meditating on the extreme contrast between transient oppressors and an immortal G-d, that very awareness can help lift us to a greater place, which cushions, if not immunizes us against, the harsher impact of abuse.

Ask people who have learned to heal from their wounds and virtually every one of them will tell you that a major step – indeed, the first of the twelve steps – toward healing consisted of recognizing that you, the human, are powerless. You must surrender to a Higher force, to G-d, and recognize that G-d protects us against predators. As long as you hold on to the illusion – one that holds us trapped in its iron-clad tentacles – of earthly power (“one world and many gods”), you remain a victim to your own beliefs. When you discover that there is “only one G-d but many worlds,” you become free of the fear of losing one world, because there is always another that can fill its place.

I have put My words in your mouth, and covered you in the shadow of My hand, planting the heavens, laying the earth’s foundation, and saying to Zion: ‘You are My people.’

But this discovery does not come without a price. Often we need to hit rock bottom before we awake. To achieve this level of cognizance requires a wake up call.

Awake, awake, stand up, Jerusalem! You have drunk from G-d’s hand the cup of His fury. You have drunk and drained the cup of the bowl of staggering.

Of all the sons she has borne, there is no one to guide her; nor is there any, of all the sons she brought up, who takes her by the hand. Your sons fainted; they lie at the head of every street like an antelope in a net. They are full of G-d’s fury, the rebuke of your Lord.

Awake, awake, put on your strength, O Zion. Shake yourself from the dust, arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the bonds around your neck, O captive daughter of Zion.

Depart, depart, go out from there, touch no unclean thing. Go out from her midst, purify yourselves, you bearers of G-d’s vessels.

Your sons fainted… Captive daughter…

It is quite unnerving to read the Haftorah with child abuse in mind and see its uncanny relevance (I didn’t even quote the rawer verses).

But above all is the overriding message of deep hope:

I, I am He who comforts you. I, who planted the heavens, laid the earth’s foundation, say to you: ‘You are My people.’


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Ricki Kaplan
15 years ago

Not to say anything about another person even if it is true, means having self confidence and esteem in one’s self so that the need to say something about someone else’s is not of importance. People, often, but not always, talk about other people to boost their own egos by pointing out someone else’s weaknesses, and thereby saying how superior the speaker is.

How do we enable children to learn this important lesson, so that as they grow they do not have the need to use other’s weaknesses to say how much better they are than those they talk about. I believe strongly that it comes from parents, Rabbis, teachers and adults to help children feel pride in themselves for their real strengths, and to accept that they have weaknesses. We need to foster the child’s desire to strive to improve, with positive nurturing, and loving guidance. Yet, we must also use contemplative, well thought out behavior, which might necessitate exceptions to rules. In extreme situations, when a rule must be broken, we need to enable children to understand why we have taken what some might see as very drastic steps.

Children, by definition, cannot protect themselves. As they grow, we give them more and more responsibility, and with this, we attempt to measure their capacity to recognize dangerous situations, so that we need not fear their safety each time they leave their homes. Yet, we cannot, no matter how well prepared they are, and how mature they are, or emotionally ready to take on new responsibilities; plan for every possible contingency and eventuality. In most cases, if we have been wise in our decision making, after careful thought and observation with regard to the child’s ability to handle a new situation, children will be safe in their new roles. It is usually in the most unexpected situations, ones we hardly allow ourselves to envision, where the unexpected happens. Our inability to voice that which we can’t even allow ourselves to think, often results in ill preparing children for such eventualities. As has already been said, it is usually someone a child knows well, someone trusted by the parents and thus the child, which sexually abuses a child. For interestingly enough, children have learned the parent’s lessons about those who lurk “behind trees”, and can and do out run those predators! It is the confusion a child feels when a trusted older person behaves inappropriately with a child. The child is left with a lack of understanding as to why this has happened, what part did they play in it, because children employ magical thinking, believing they are the cause of bad things happening (perhaps for good reason). This is the moment we must all stop and explore, question our beliefs, and ask ourselves, what those beliefs mean. We must ask ourselves about the possibility that if not talking about others is a way of not falsely and immodestly showing off, by saying one is better than another; or if a child needs protection, and if we do not speak, then the other is boosting their own importance at the expense of the child. The older person here takes advantage to show how much power he or she has. Silly as it may seem, since we all know that older people have more power than children, the fact is, the person taking advantage knows that but has no other outlet for proving it to themselves. A child’s only power in a situation such as this is to tell, but if the child can’t tell, then their self- esteem, and self worth can be compromised. The ability to tell that an adult or older person has used their power to their own advantage to prove their power, can lead to the subjugation of the child to further helplessness, without the sanctioned right to speak. A situation often arises, in which, the child is not telling, not to further their own power, but to protect from loss of self-esteem, and self worth.

We teach our children respect for themselves, and therefore others, when we openly accept their right not to be abused, and to use the power to tell, and to have their experience witnessed and confirmed by the parent. We also foster trust, in the parent, which is of foremost importance, for it means that the child will learn to trust themselves, and in extension the community around them.

Rabbi Jacobson, you point out that a child need not be “damaged” for life by such an experience. You remind us that the child’s innermost faith, acts as a life force, it allows us to transcend beyond the earthly self. I thank you, for bringing that to this discussion. My husband, Marty Schulman and I spent Shabos with you and your family at your brother’s home. It was at this shabos dinner that I, for a moment regressed to allow myself to feel the intensity of the experience of the abused child, pointing out I had spent nine years in foster care, and I survived only because of my unquestioning, trust in a connection that I could not see, hear, touch, feel in the usual manner we think of these senses. Yet, I knew I was loved; I knew that I was softly touched and held, I knew I would be alright because of a deep inner belief that connected me to something I had no words for, but I knew was there and has always been there and would forever be there throughout my life, including 9/11, and a life threatening disease. You witnessed that faith and responded by just saying “yes you do know what a soul is”. Those few words perhaps changed my life forever. Your understanding and so witnessing and confirming my faith, with just those few words, knowing you needn’t say more, allowing me to feel and reflect on the importance of that faith, without outside intrusion. Yes, I had spoken out against those who abused me. I had spent my life not being able to say why I had survived for no one would have understood. In fact others might have thought I was crazy, so my secret remained a part of that faith. You unleashed the secret, by allowing me to say it, without judgment, simply by a gentle nurturing, of that faith. I had spoken out against my abusers, not because it made me feel that I was superior, but rather gave me a sense of inner peace, that after 60 years I was free to believe and not be afraid of being found out. I no longer was that abused kid, for someone understood my experience, of both being a foster child and my inner faith and trust. I spoke out, so I could be protected from my abusers, and in so doing become strengthened in my faith. Thank you!

Ricki Kaplan

15 years ago

Dear Rabbi,

As a victim of abuse I feel I unfortunately have more insight into this matter than most people. Sexual abuse not only violates you, it sets you on a different life path where, as in my case, you disconnect from yourself. You are now on the outside looking in. The you that you were before is now locked away somewhere inside you – possibly sitting in a lonely corner of your being. The everyday you now goes through the motions of living and having relationships with others. Never understanding that you are disconnected and never understanding why your relationships with others are distant. You are a body, not a person. But you dont relate to the body as being yours since you are disconnected. For instance, when I looked at my hand, I was looking at a hand. I didnt identify with it as being my hand. I wasnt aware of this until 40 years later when Hash-m led me down a path that started healing me. Not too long ago, when I looked at my hand one day I thought to myself thats MY hand!, I was shocked to think that this is what other people always experience – it isnt a conscious thought to them – and to realize that for all those years I was not connected to myself. Other victims know what I mean by this. And you dont trust.
You can be very functional and likable and friendly. But there is a barrier between you and yourself and between you and others.
As I heal, I reclaim myself. Different parts of my body, my heart and my mind are gradually becoming parts of ME.

The abuse sets you up for a pattern of future abuse of different types. You start attracting and, in social relationships, being attracted to other abusers. Sexual. Verbal. Emotional.
Since the original violation I have been attacked and stalked by a sexual predator (who was sentenced to prison), I have been date-abused (kind of like rape without the violence), and I have been abused by several trusted health professionals. I have been in numerous emotionally/verbally abusive relationships.

It was not until middle age that things started to turn around and I started on that path of healing. The path took many forms and, like the proverbial peeling of the onion, it was a many-layered journey. For those who have been abused, keep your eyes open; pay attention! There are so many ways to heal. And Hash-m puts these things in front of us. We have to recognize them and go for it!! First it will be one type of thing. You will get what you can out of it and then something else will come along that you are now ready for since you did the thing before it. Each thing builds on what came before, until one day you see that you can climb out of the hole. And there is daylight there!

IMPORTANT INFORMATION: I NEVER told a soul about the first abuse (the first abuse was not ongoing – a very important distinction) for various reasons and several of these reasons need to be considered very carefully before people make a decision about what to do about it.

1. the ongoing humiliation to me would have been unbearable ( I was a teenager )
2. the person would have denied it and he had much more credibility than I – he was a highly respected member of the community. Then I would have been abused AND everyone would have known about it AND I would have been considered a liar on top of it. I would have been considered pathetic. And he would have made sure I was destroyed.
3. two families and a lifetime of relationships (our families were very close) would have been destroyed forever whether he was prosecuted or not.

I AM NOT SAYING ABUSE SHOULD BE IGNORED. I am saying that these things have to be handled VERY delicately BY RESPONSIBLE Rabbis or whoever is appointed to handle such things or the consequences could be as devastating as the abuse.
These people must be TRAINED to deal with these things and must be people who can consider all of the lifetime consequences to everyone. They must be cool-headed, rational people who will not do anything without proof and who will get everyone involved the help they need. And will deal with each case individually, not by a formula.

AND THE INNOCENT MUST BE PROTECTED. That includes the victim, the families, and the family of the abuser. Can you imagine everyone knowing that your father was an abuser?

THERE MUST NEVER BE A PUBLIC (or private) ACCUSATION THAT IS NOT TRUE. People tend to react very emotionally (naturally!) to abuse. They right away want to do something about or to the alleged perpetrator and the assumption is always that the accused is guilty. Gossip spreads like wildfire and can NEVER be taken back! Look at the media today. They ruin people lives just by stating the accusation. That is all that is needed to end a persons life.

Shifra Chana
15 years ago

Simon, I have a question:

In most cases of abuse that I have personally heard about in our communities, the abuser is married with children. They are also innocent. I understand that the abuser needs to be made responsible and innocents need to be protected. But how to the innocent family members, who have probably suffered a lot already, get helped?

You may not have an answer, but Ive been wondering about this a lot.

Shifra Chana

15 years ago

Rabbi. Sexual Abuse is a terrible thing and Im glad youre trying to flesh it out and bring it into the open to discuss it. Physical abuse is noticeable, and while its awful, people usually eventually see it and the victims get help and sympathy, and can start the healing process. Mental/verbal abuse is terrible too, but once again, is usually noticed at some point and caught. Sexual abuse is so private, embarrassing, intimidating and feels so shameful that for a lot of children, they dont know how to tell someone, because it actually doesnt compute in their psyche or minds that its real and happening till they hit puberty. I know this sounds odd, but its true. And then at that point they might start acting out and not know why, because they might just have some brief weird flashbacks. There are children who were sexually abused who act out and its not till many years later that the dreams and visions surface, because theyve kept them so far down within themselves.

The thought of someone you trust abusing you in this manner has a number of facets. Did it really happen? Did you make it up in your head? How could you think this of the person? Part of you actually wants it to be real because then you would know youre not sick or nuts, and part of you doesnt want it to be real, because how could someone actually do something like that to a child. Its a really bad situation. I think when it comes to the surface, and youre already an adult (no matter what age), I think you should confront the person. Dont ask them if they did it-catch them off guard and say, Why did you do this? Why did you try and ruin my life? It has a chance of throwing them off balance enough that they might admit it and at that point, the healing can start. Optimally, as long as the abuse is in the past and the person is not dangerous, this should be done in private (it takes a lot of courage and strength of character to confront someone), because the person might admit the abuse to the victim, but probably is very protective of themselves and might not admit it if cornered by more than the victim. The abuser will probably be very concerned with themselves and keeping their secret at this point. Confrontation is very powerful, so if someone is thinking of attempting to confront their abuser, they should have a great support system of people or at least one, so that they can cry and lean on them immediately after the confrontation. If this is many years after the fact, the abuser will probably not be brought to task by any authorities other than the main one, Hashem, but at least the healing can begin and the victim can stop having a victim mentality, and get on with their life finally knowing that they are OK and it wasnt them who was sick. This does not have to publicized and the impetus is not to hurt the abuser and ruin their lives, its strictly to stop being a victim and to finally be free of doubts.

Also, if the initial victim is now a parent, and has sons, assuming the abuse is no longer occurring and is in the far past, I think it is detrimental to let the sons know about this, because you dont want those negative thoughts anywhere in their being or psyche. If the abuser is thought of as an aberration, a mutation, then the abuse stops with them at the previous generation. I have a lot more to say of the subject, but thats all for now.

15 years ago

Rabbi Jacobson,

Thank you for bringing up this topic of abuse that is so necessary. I have a question, however, regarding the attitude you have towards the perpatrators of these crimes. You mention that the perpetrators are sometimes older friends or people close to the victim, etc. Then you suggest that the solution is to have these people punished and publicly shamed.

If the perpetrators are innocent people who are experimenting or confused because of the immorality of our society, how do you suggest that they be treated in such a manner, effectively destroying their lives as well as that of their siblings, parents, children, and anyone connected with them? The perpetrators themselves are victims (often theyve had negative experiences that made them lose their sense of self worth) and they need help, not public humiliation. If they got the care they needed, they would be less likely to do such things in the future.

There have been many situations where the zero tolerance policy has backfired terribly. Kindergarten children who touch their classmates in what is deemed as inappropriate are being treated like criminal pedophiles. Can you imagine how these children (whether in kindergarten, third grade, or tenth grade) will turn out? How will they view themselves for the rest of their lives? Are they likely to become better people, or give up on every sense of morality they ever believed in out of anger and frustration?

It seems to me that the problem of abuse is symptomatic of a deeper sense of confusion and lack of self value that people are walking around with. People need to be given real, healthy love so they dont turn intimacy and closeness into a perversion in their desperation for it. Look around and see how many people are lacking this basic immunity, and understand why we have this plague.

Perhaps a campaign addressing the root of the problem would be more effective and long-lasting than a witch-hunt and endless discussions on how to properly punish these people. (Of course this is not to say that justice shouldnt be carried out as necessary.)

Miriam Adahan
15 years ago

What about all the abusive teachers who destroy childrens spirits??????????? the biggest problem is that there are SO many abusive teachers in the system – then kids are turned off forever to religion!

susan Roseman
15 years ago

If there were no child abuse ever, and children were protected and wanted, I
think there would be
Heaven on Earth.

Marsha Margulies
13 years ago

If someone is calling child abuse loshon hora, my guess is that person is the one committing the act.
Have these people no shame? Can they really call themselves religious? They shame all of us.

13 years ago

Thank you Rabbi for all your articles for are so very pertinent.
I speak from personal bitter experience. A person abused can be a person destroyed, on the outside things look alright but the inner person is crying bitterly and wasting.
But whom does one speak to? Rabbis can often be either too busy or not sensitive enough or the victim, due to destroyed malchuth, feels unable to take a step forward.
Counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists are often beyond our financial means.
Are you available to be spoken with over the phone?

13 years ago

I appreciate fully the original writers post to you in that s/he asks to expose child abuse. However, I believe there is a logical link missing in that we need to eliminate child abuse. As you so eloquently express in your article, no one has the right to oppress another person or do him/her bodily or emotional harm. However, exposing abuse is not necessarily the way to eliminate it.

People who are prone to abuse others should be exposed publicly and punished for their deeds. When I divorced a man who abused our children, I was told by two supposedly Torah-observant guardians ad litem (my childrens attorneys) that I should not say anything negative to the children about their father. My response was that when they themselves allowed their children to play in traffic, I would then stop telling the truth about this abusive person. Shame on those women who saw my children as lesser than their own and deserving of less security and peace.

The way to eliminate child abuse is to have integrity, speak out about it, be as vigilant and as observant as we can about publicly shaming the perpetrator, even more so than we stand in front of the house of a mesarev to get him to give a much needed get. For this we do not need a movement to spearhead. For this we need only integrity.

Becoming involved when one has the opportunity to do so is ever so important. I hope to see more of us standing in front of the home of a child abuser and chanting shame, shame.

broken reader
13 years ago

1. That bad person who is doing such filthy and destructive actions that anger us so much (and rightly so) used to be a child victim.
2. That bad person knows how to pick his victims. They are children so broken that they will feel validated and appreciated because they can make someone happy if i may use this word. Needless to say, the guilt of these children is guarantee that they will never say a word.
3. Such a person is branded for life and is ready both to become a predator and to become the victim of a series of other predators, and even if this person succeeds in picking up the pieces and marrying, their children will be targeted as well, it is a wound that to a certain kind of people is very obvious. We must very carefully and very discreetly support the victims and the victims children, lest we perpetuate this horror.
4. Sometimes the best way to proceed is just to tell the children never to be in yechidut with anyone and certainly not with people about whom we have the tiniest suspicion. There are no real reason that teachers or rabbis should see in private a very young student. Of course if a student is adult, it is still despicable to try to extort their consent, but it is an entirely different problem.

Rivka Cohen
13 years ago

Isnt it important to warn someone even if were not 100% sure that this person is an abuser?If the potential victim may be in a situation where abuse could occur, shouldnt we advise them to take someone else along and avoid being alone with this person?

Rabbi jds belguim
13 years ago

Dear Rabbi Jacobson
regarding all types of abuse and especially the abuse in your articalls,i think we need to warn all children about the possibility of abuse, ofcourse Rabbonim and Educaters need to be asked as to the correct way to convey the message to children.

Shoshana Yosepha Bat Dovid Eleazer
13 years ago

Beautifully said, Rabbi. It makes me love you all the more because your words are so far-reaching. Please speak out more.

13 years ago

I believe that lashon hora would be implemented in the case of
exposing a child abuser if the accusations were in fact untrue. If it
is known by two or more witnesses then the rest of the community must
> know otherwise you allow an evil to fester and spread. It is known
that many , not all who are subjected to abuse, will in their young adult and adult life issue forth upon others the same experience, like
> a cancer of the soul and spirit, it will darken the light within the minds of those who must endure this, even worse if their abuser goes
without punishment. Punishment and caring for the victim is the only, and righteous
> remedy in this case. I cannot see lashon hora in this. I see a mitzvot
to the victim, and perhaps to the abuser if he or she can be guided to
repentance , true repentance. Robert K.

Z. Sasson
13 years ago

Dear Rabbi shyi:
I was so disturbed(and still am)by the last comment that was posted last week. I discussed this with my mother who is a mental health professional for the last 4 decades and she too was disturbed, if not saddened. The woman who wrote had been abused as a child and unfortunately that led to a chain of attacks throughout her life until towards middle-age things started to look up for her and she started to heal.my heart goes out to her and I be-cry this bitter golus (exile) we are all in. What was so upsetting to me though , was that she felt that it was right that her first attack, by the respectable (i.e. despicable) family friend was kept a secret. She says noone

Joseph Lerman
13 years ago

If a person is acused of child abuse and runs away from justice hides in Monsey and is not turned in because some Jews dont belive in the Israeli courts should his name be published?

11 years ago

It doesnt get more destructive for a child than to be subjected to sexual abuse. A problem that has to be faced by the community however is the possibility of false allegations, which can utterly destroy and wreck an individuals life. That this is a real possibility and not a fantasy is evident by the large number of unfounded allegations that occur everywhere throughout the U.S. each year, as testified by child welfare agencies throughout our country.

Perhaps the most common occurences are in marital/divorce disputes where one spouse – almost invariably the wife – brings such charges against the husband to blow up their marriage and force him out of their home. This is often done by persuading a child to make false statements against the father, something that is not too difficult in a contentious family situation where there are young children and the mother is the principal caregiver. Such false charges have become sufficiently commonplace that experts in the field have come to realize that great care must be taken when accusations of this sort are made in the context of marital strife. And has been shown through repeated case studies and investigations, children can be taught to lie – and even become persuaded of their own lies – when they are convinced to repeat them often enough.

Other such situations can also arise when there is great resentment and/or hositility toward an individual, and false charges of sexual abuse are used as a way to get even or profit financially. So it is not all one sided.

It is horrific for a child to be sexually abused, but it is also horrific for an innocent individual to have their life ruined by despicable false allegations. Our courts have devised a system to try and parse these situations by appointing a validator to investigate the circumstances behind such charges, but unfortunately, these are far from foolproof. People who are truly pedophiles are usually exposed when their acts have a compulsive character, leading to multiple instances where they act out their compulsions. But the cases where there is no history of prior abuse and the accusers have personal reasons to make mailicious charges are far more difficult to adjudicate. The point here is that these issues are not all black and white, and the possibility of false charges should be born in mind before jumping to conclusions. Adults can have their lives destroyed as well as children.

Shirley Lowenstein
11 years ago

Some of our sons are being incarcerated for long periods of time because of hysteria on this issue. While viewing images of child abuse is not condoned and is harmful to the viewer, viewing is different from abusing. Ten years in prison is a cruel punishment for this that has become part of U.S. law because of hysteria and because it is easier to apprehend a viewer than the real abuser or a producer of the images and leads people to think they are making the community safer, when they are not.

Allan Morton
11 years ago

Dear Rabbi: I greatly respect and value you views. As always you balance justice and compassion and properly direct both. However, I would appreciate it if you would address our duties as citizens of a free country with a judicial system to obey the law and to report its violation to civil authority, i.e., the police, whose responsibility and expertise is to investigate crime. The law of the state is the law. Greetings from Santa Barbara, C.A.

Gitel Chana Levin
11 years ago

As a psychiatrist, I hear way too many stories of abuse. While its good that these people are finally getting help, it is too late – the life-altering deed was already done. I feel we should implement some sort of public education to let people know that if they are having thoughts or urges to abuse others they should call a hotline number or tell another person (e.g. parent or teacher) who will assist them to connect with the proper help. Imagine a teenage boy with thoughts of touching his sister. Who is he going to tell about his struggle to not act on these feelings? Chances are if he told his parents, they would tell him how disgusting those thoughts are and he would not mention them again. An opportunity to stop abuse before it happens was just missed.

If somebody wants to spearhead a campaign, this is an important part of it. Otherwise, we are forever closing the barn door after the horse got out.

We need to: 1) treat those who have been damaged, 2) identify perpetrators to protect future victims, ensure justice is done, and get them appropriate help, and 3) we need to provide the potential abuser with the opportunity to receive discrete, non-judgmental help.

Miri Spalter
11 years ago

While I agree people should be warned of a dangerous person, the problem is identifying and not mis-identifying who such people are. There are lawyers who will encourage the wife who is seeking divorce or to stop husbands seeing children to make up lies, which ruin the life of the father of their own children and can even cause prosecution. The children lose a father whether he is damaging or not. While psychological testing of children may be helpful in identifying cases which are true, brain washing by the mom may cloud the issue.
Is someone accused of such misconduct entitled to be tested with lie detectors, or other means, or are they to be shunned, put in cheyrem along with anyone they may know or be living with or what are people supposed to do with them, if there is no conviction even after investigation? Does such a person who is accused and never convicted ever get freed of the label? What do their children do with this? Pofessionals are very gullible and believe any story anyone comes up with and act upon it- Rabbonim are a little more careful. Perhaps there should be special committees to evaluate each case in each neighborhood?

11 years ago

What you havent spoken about is abuse that happened a long time ago where no consequences were ever meted out.

My father was an abuser to both me and my brother. Because his abuse to me was not acknowledged or confirmed until I was an older adult, he never experienced public or penal consequences. Only a few people know. He has said he has regrets, but as a narcissist, he is more concerned that his current wife might find out what he did more than he is concerned with the damage he caused.

As it concerns my sons and their grandfather, it was fairly easy to protect them from him, since he was a disinterested grandfather and there were 3000 miles distance between us. I didnt cut him out of our life, but I also didnt promote or encourage a relationship, and visits were rare. Now my father is old and ill, my sons are adults, and they are curious and reflective enough to ask pointed questions about what they perceive as an odd and distant father-daughter relationship. I try to get off the subject quickly and usually say that even though he is a very intelligent man, we had a dysfunctional family and he moved away. I have no intention of publicly exposing him, since it happened so long ago, and I dont see what purpose or good it would serve, yet I am at a loss for words as to how to handled the questions.

I am struggling with a number of issues-I will enumerate two:

1-Benching: the section in benching about (bless my father…). Of course I am grateful for life; however, at the same time, I rarely bench because of this section. Is there alternative wording? I wish him no physical harm yet I also dont forgive him or his actions. In my opinion, there is no reason or excuse for abusive behavior (no spiritual rationalizations, karma, or other bs-people make choices). It is a lie when I say these words, since I dont mean them. Ive tried thinking of the words on a higher, broader level, but it hasnt worked.

2-I am not concerned with lashon hara where he is concerned-truth is truth and if there were any possibility that he could hurt another child, I would say something, but his time is almost over and I try to view his actions as an aberration and not his entire character. It is my concern for my sons mental, emotional and spiritual well being that keeps me from exposing my father. I do not want them to know about their grandfathers deviant behavior. This is not to protect him, but to protect them and their psyches. I dont want them to ever have even the slightest glimmer or notion that this kind of perversion is in their family. Once someone has knowledge of something, its in their memory. I deal with this memory daily, and G-d willing, they should never deal with this type of issue or memory. I pray that any and all perversion in the family dies with him.

I would love advice on how to handle the questions. Im open for suggestions-Im sure Im not alone with this dilemma.

Tamara (SA)
11 years ago

I was a victim of abuse by an uncle and 2 half brothers. I revealed this fact only at the age of 42, after my mothers, death, after I was told by the family to stop being nasty to my half brothers as I refused to be in a room with them. The reaction basically was at first stop making up stories then, yeah, okay, its done and dusted lets move on, It still impact on my life even at age 50+ and even after counselling it still effects me. Especially when Im intimate or when I see an older boy who loves playing with a younger child or hanging around the younger kids. I also found out a day after my revelation that my other sister had also been molested, she however refused to tell everyone and told me if I revealed it shell deny it. It seemed when they stopped with me they moved on to her. Had this all been made public then, it could have spared her.
I dont believe abusers can stop. I have since made contact with one of my nieces after many years not seeing them and was told that she suffered abuse by her father and that was why her mother divorced him. Yet this is not public knowledge.

10 years ago

I am so glad this is being discussed. I am the 3rd generation of abuse and now have a school aged child. In no way will I ever speak harshly to him, draw hand to him, or violate him. I wish this was discussed more… so that those who do perpetrate and perpetuate abuse can get help in a manner that removes the shame that is often associated with the action. I take time outs and G-d pauses. That is what works for me.

10 years ago

I am a married woman with a loving husband children and grandkids. I was beaten and molested. This resulted in addiction which I conquered and years of panic needing therapy. With G-ds help I am well today. My parents were upstanding members who even have a Jewish community building in their name.

10 years ago

I was taken with the psychotherapists comments about prevention. Are there not some Halachic recommendations of conduct preventing abusive situations? Maybe these could be brought back into education so people know their boundaries: victims may be given a sense of right or wrong (when abusers often claim their victims are the guilty ones, or complicit in some way) and potential abusers can try to reign in their negative impulses? In family situations, there may be a twisted sense of hierarchy.

10 years ago

I was abused too. For a long time I have had the following question. Surely, at least some abusers must hate the fact that they have such urges which they believe they cannot control, wishing they could break out the addiction. In the various articles I have read on this subject, I have yet to read something like, If you are a struggling abuser, here is a list of places where you can go for confidential, effective help. I have to suppose that if such help were made known, many lives could be spared from these horrors.

10 years ago

In the past Rabbis have given the benefit of the doubt to abusers and disbelieved the victims. They have put the reputation of their institutions before the safety of children. Such Rabbis have been complicit in crime. Only a very disturbed child will tell lies about an adult and a good psychiatrist would be able to ascertain this. If a child actually has the courage to come forward and parents who support him if the abuse happened at school then the child is to be believed. If the abuse happens in the family which apparently is quite common among gentiles and some Jewish families then how do we assist such a child to come forward. I applaud the idea of the psychiatrist to institute help lines for people to call to prevent them acting on unholy desires and to guide them towards help but the sad thing is that most predators have personality disorders, are amoral, incurable and do not understand that they are doing anything wrong. Thankyou for your column. At least all the publicity about this terrible darkness may lead to greater protection for innocent children.

The Meaningful Life Center