The Art of Boundaries: Rabbi Simon Jacobson’s Guide to Setting Limits for Growth and Connection
What defines the difference between a warm, vibrant relationship and one that drains your spirit? Why do even the most caring people struggle to set healthy boundaries—at home, at work, and within themselves? In a world that often blurs the lines between selflessness and self-destruction, the ability to say no with compassion is an act of spiritual strength, not selfishness. Rabbi Simon Jacobson offers a refreshing look at how boundaries aren’t just about keeping others out—they’re about unlocking deeper love, authentic growth, and harmony.
The Paradox of True Connection
Picture a bridge: its strength lies not only in the road that connects, but in the foundations that anchor it on each side. Rabbi Jacobson teaches that boundaries are the foundations of every healthy connection. Just as rivers and fences define and protect beautiful gardens, personal limits create the conditions for relationships—and our own growth—to flourish. Without boundaries, love can spill into chaos; with them, intimacy and respect blossom.
Why Saying No Is an Act of Kindness
Imagine a friend calling every night, unloading their troubles until you’re left feeling depleted. Your heart wants to help, but your energy dwindles. According to Rabbi Jacobson, saying yes to everything eventually leads to resentment or burnout. Instead, he suggests the wisdom of the ‘oxygen mask’ rule—just as flight attendants advise putting on your own mask before helping others, you must honor your own needs to be truly present for others. Healthy boundaries are a kindness to both yourself and those you love.
Boundaries in Jewish Wisdom
Jewish tradition is rich with laws and rituals that serve as spiritual boundaries—from the separation of work and rest on Shabbat, to the concept of kosher, to the rhythm of daily practices. These aren’t meant to restrict, but to elevate. They teach us that boundaries are not walls, but frames that give life structure, clarity, and meaning.
Practical Steps for Setting Compassionate Boundaries
- Notice where you feel drained. Keep a brief journal for a week, jotting down moments when you feel depleted after certain conversations or activities. Identifying these emotional ‘leaks’ is the first step in setting boundaries with others—and yourself.
- Use the language of care. Practice saying, ‘I want to support you, but I also need time to recharge myself.’ This phrase expresses empathy and clarity, turning a potential conflict into a shared goal of wellbeing.
- Create sacred spaces. Carve out specific times in your day—whether for prayer, reflection, or simple solitude—where you are off-limits to external demands. Dedicate this time in the same spirit that Shabbat creates a boundary in the week.
- Check your motives. Before saying yes or no, pause and ask: Am I acting out of genuine desire, or from guilt or fear of disappointing someone? Authentic boundaries come from self-awareness, not avoidance.
- Respect the boundaries of others. Honor when a friend or colleague needs space or says no. By respecting limits, you build trust and invite the same respect in return.
Bridging the Gap: Boundaries as a Pathway to Growth
Setting healthy limits is not about shutting people out. It’s about giving yourself the space to flourish and, by example, helping others do the same. Rabbi Jacobson’s teachings invite us to stop seeing boundaries as barriers and start seeing them as bridges—forging relationships that stand strong because they are defined by love, not dependence or obligation. Whether in family, work, or spiritual life, the courage to set limits is the bedrock of authentic connection.
Ready to bring this wisdom to life in your relationships and personal journey? Watch the full class for more insight: Do You Have Boundary Issues?
