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Mistaken As Gay

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A viewer asked: “I am a man who often gets called gay. I have never had a gay relationship. I actually do like women, and hope to meet the right woman one day. It gets hard to always be perceived as gay. Women don’t even consider me as a potential date. How can I meet the right woman under these circumstances?”

Rabbi Jacobson answered: “This is not even in the category of someone who actually is gay and is dealing with either homophobia or other factors. This is about how people identify this person. Clearly you’re writing this in the context that you see yourself as straight and yet you’re being perceived as gay. And women see you that way as well. The question is why. Why are they perceiving you this way? is it physical tendencies? Is it body language? Is it people you hang around with? Do you have effeminate qualities? Do women see you more like a friend and they can’t see you as a man? They may see you as asexual. Some people are very much pleasers. I know an individual who was having difficulty getting married because women didn’t see him as sexual. They saw him as a nice guy. They saw him as neutral. They didn’t see any spark in him, no sense of adventure, always pleasing, saying always the right thing. I remember one woman asked me about him and she said, ‘When I dated him I go away feeling he’s only a nice guy.’ These are issues that have to be address and have very little to do with the actual gay issue. They have to do with what you project. Now if it is something you are projecting that is just natural to you, that just appears as gay tendencies, there may be people who are superficial and they may not be able to handle that. Maybe you need a woman that’s a deeper woman, a person who is a little more sophisticated that can look at who you really are.”

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