Pre-Marital Marriage

February 25th, 2015

The following is a freely translated excerpt from a talk the Rebbe gave to women’s gathering on Iyar 25, 5744 (May 27, 1984):

The Torah assigns different roles to men and women. Obviously, this does not imply the superiority or inferiority of either sex, only that, in addition to their common mission in life, each has its unique function and role in creation. This can be compared to the human body, which is comprised of various limbs and organs: on the one hand, there are the needs and features that are common to each of the body’s cells; on the other hand, each organ and limb has its distinct needs and features that derive of its specific role within the greater function of the body.

Thus, there are mitzvot–such as the mitzvah to “Love your fellow as yourself”[1] or “To know that there exists a First Existence, who brings every existence into being”[2] –that apply equally to both sexes, as the blood that circulates throughout the body providing nourishment to each of its diverse organs and limbs. But there are also mitzvot that have been commanded only to men, as well as mitzvot that have been delegated specifically to women, in keeping with their specific divinely-ordained roles.

However, G-d is the ultimate perfection, and He has imbued of His perfection in the Torah and mitzvot—the avenue of our relationship with Him. So although there are mitzvot that have been commanded only to men, this does not preclude women from attaining the full spectrum of perfection that is realized by the fulfillment of all the divine commandments of the Torah.

In the words of the Holy Ari, Rabbi Isaac Luria: “When the male does the mitzvah [that is commanded specifically to men], there is no need for the woman to do it on her own, since she is included in his performance of the mitzvah… this is the deeper significance of what our sages have said,[3] ‘A person’s wife is as his own body.’”[4] As the Zohar states, man alone, or woman alone, is but “half a body.”[5]

In other words, the Torah’s exemption of the woman from certain mitzvot pertains only to her obligation to perform them. As for the attainment of the specific aspects of our relationship with G-d that is realized through these mitzvot, the woman is equal to the man, attaining them through her husband’s performance of the mitzvah.

Furthermore, also an unmarried woman enjoys the rewards generated by the “male” mitzvot, through their performance by the one who is destined to be her husband.

As the Zohar explains, man and woman, comprising the two halves of a single body, likewise share a single soul.[6] It is only that G-d desired that for a certain portion of its life on earth, the soul should be divided in two–half of it in a male body and its other half in a female body–and that each half should perform its mission in life separately, until such time that G-d unites them in marriage.

This explains the tremendous joy that accompanies a marriage, a joy that has no parallel in any other joyful occasion. For when two half-souls, separated at birth and raised in different homes, different communities, perhaps even different countries, are reunited by the power of He who “sits and matches couples,”[7]—what greater joy can there be?!

Thus, when a young man observes a mitzvah that has been commanded solely to men, the young woman in whom the other half of his soul resides shares in the fulfillment and perfection that this mitzvah achieves, although neither might be aware of the other’s existence at the time.

Adapted from the teachings of the Rebbe by Yanki Tauber

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Tags: marriage, Jewish law
Posted in Religion, Personal Life, Love & Marriage, Social, Women & Men, Spiritual | No Comments »

Means of Marriage

February 25th, 2015

Many claim to intuitively know what is right in life. They reject the notion that one must transcend a subjective self to achieve harmony between body and soul. They argue that the body and the soul are complementary parts of an integral self, requiring no external laws and rituals to govern their relationship and define a particular path through life.

In essence, of course, they are right. The soul of man is “literally a part of G-d above”[1] and his body is an expression of the divine quintessence.[2] So the marriage of matter and spirit that is man is not a superimposed coalition of strangers, but the fusion of kindred beings and—on the deepest level—the reunion of the parted parts of a cloven singularity.

In practice, however, this intrinsic harmony is notoriously difficult to achieve. When a person looks only to himself and his instincts to guide him through life, the result is a marriage characterized by dissension and conflict, a life plagued by a perpetual dissonance between body and soul.

The Outlawed Method

Like everything else in creation, this phenomenon has a model in Torah law.[3] So if human life is the marriage of an active (“male”) spirit and its receptive (“female”) vessel, the clue to their relationship lies in the laws that legislate the inter-personal marriage between man and woman.

How do a man and woman become husband and wife according to Torah law? The Talmud[4] derives from Scripture three methods by which the consecration (kiddushin) of their union can be effected. The first is kessef (lit. “silver” or “money”), by which the man gives the woman an object of value and says to her: “You are hereby consecrated to me with this [….]”; by accepting the gift and his words, she becomes his wife. (This is the method commonly employed today, with a ring serving as the kessef that effects the marriage.) A second method is the shetar, or writ of marriage[5]: the husband gives the wife a document in which he (or his appointed agent) has written, “You are hereby consecrated to me with this writ.” The third method of kiddushin is bi’ah, or actual consummation of the marriage: if a man and woman live together as husband and wife, and do so with the express intention of marrying each other, the act of bi’ah sanctifies their union as a marriage.

The Talmud adds that while all three methods achieve kiddushin, only the first two may be used. The method of marriage by bi’ah might have been legitimate in earlier, purer times, but with the moral regression of later generations came the danger of its misuse and profanation. Thus, the Talmudic sage Rav outlawed marriage by bi’ah, decreeing severe penalties for those who do so.[6]

Man and woman, who originated as “a single being with two faces,”[7] remain intrinsically one, even after their division into two genders. In essence, they require nothing extrinsic to themselves to effect their marriage; they need only to delve into their deepest selves for their act of union to render them “one flesh.” But this is an ideal, realizable only in an ideal world. In a world in which a veneer of corporeality adheres to all things physical, the union of man and woman is too plastic and too vulnerable to corruption to define itself. It must therefore be sanctified by a formalized commitment, buttressed by the external scaffolding of kessef or shetar.

Marriage in the Future

The same applies to the internal marriage of body and soul. While the key to their integration lies in their deepest self, this is a self inaccessible by a life adrift in a corporeal world. So man’s attempts at self-definition, self-guidance and self-regulation in his body/soul relationship are doomed to failure and corruption. To consecrate their marriage, one requires the kessef (yearning[8]) of prayer, the soul’s self-transcendence in its striving toward G-d; one requires the shetar of Torah, the “writ of marriage” that documents the union and legislates its laws.

There will come a time, however, when “no longer shall a man teach his fellow… for all shall know Me, from the smallest to the greatest.”[9] A time when we will no longer require instruction and guidance from without, for the illumination will come from within, from the spark of G-dliness at our core. A time when the material world we inhabit will no longer distort our intrinsic perfection but facilitate it and bring it to light.[10] A time when the body and soul will autonomously achieve their deepest union—a union deeper than anything the most profound law book and the most transcendent prayer can generate.

Based on an entry in the Rebbe’s journal dated “Lag B’Omer, 5702” (1942)[11]

Adapted from the teachings of the Rebbe by Yanki Tauber

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Tags: marriage, Jewish law
Posted in Religion, Personal Life, Love & Marriage, Spiritual | 1 Comment »

Ring, Round & Roof: Three Mysteries of Marriage

February 25th, 2015

In the teachings of Kabbalah, the circle represents the “encompassing light” that frames our reality. Kabbalah differentiates between two types of divine “light”: a pervading “inner light” (ohr penimi), and a transcendent “encompassing light” (ohr makif).

“Inner light” describes a flow of divine energy that conforms to the parameters of our lives. The workings of nature, for example, or the processes of history, are, in truth, divine influences upon our existence—but these are divine influences that have assumed a form and “nature” that we can comprehend, relate to and internalize. The Torah, which is the divine wisdom and will made palpable to the human mind and implementable by human behavior, is another (albeit loftier) example of “inner light.”

But then there are the supra-natural, supra-rational manifestations of divine light. We call these “miracles,” “existential mysteries,” and “mind-blowing experiences”; we cannot understand them or assimilate them, only accept them and submit to them. This is not to say that the “encompassing light” is something that is “outside” of our being. It penetrates our reality “from head to foot, to its innerness and the inside of its innerness”[1]—it is as basic (indeed, more basic) to our existence as the “inner light.” Yet even as it suffuses our being, it remains aloof from us and beyond us, holding us in its embrace while eluding our attempts to grasp it and define it.[2]

The soul of man, which was created in the image of G-d, also emits both an “inner” and an “encompassing light.” It manifests itself via finite and definitive faculties, such as its senses, talents, intellect and feelings. But it also exhibits “encompassing” powers such as will, desire, faith, and the capacity for self-sacrifice. These are supra-rational and supra-natural powers which defy the constraints of physics and reason and even the axioms of self-interest and self-preservation.

Three Circles

Marriage is the most supra-rational and supra-natural endeavor undertaken by man. For two individuals to become “one flesh” is to violate all the laws of ego and identity, to overcome the basic existential rule that one and one makes two. Thus, it is in marriage that we most emulate G-d, creating life and eternalizing the temporal (by reproducing, man and woman not only create a child but also that child’s potential to have children, and for his children to have children, ad infinitum). When two become one, they transcend the finite and the mortal, unleashing the single human faculty that is infinite and divine.

Marriage thus requires the activation of the “encompassing” powers of all those involved. There are three partners to a marriage—man, woman and G-d[3]—and each party contributes the supra-existential dimension of its existence.

A marriage therefore consists of three circles: the feminine circle, the masculine circle and the divine circle. The wedding ceremony begins with the bride’s encircling of the groom. Seven times she walks around her husband-to-be, enveloping him in the encompassing light of her soul, committing herself to a bond that transcends reason and ego. The groom then does the same by encircling her finger with a ring, thereby consecrating her as his wife.[4] And all this occurs under the chupah (wedding canopy) which represents G-d’s embrace of the couple with His encompassing light, empowering them to transcend the confines of self and unite in the “eternal edifice” of marriage.

Based on a talk delivered by the Rebbe at a wedding reception, Elul 10, 5711 (September 11, 1951)[5]

Adapted from the teachings of the Rebbe by Yanki Tauber

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Tags: marriage, kabbalah
Posted in Soul & Mystical, Personal Life, Love & Marriage, Spiritual | No Comments »

Is There Such a Thing as Forever?

February 25th, 2015

Toward a Meaningful Life with Simon Jacobson
Radio Show Transcript – June 4, 2000

Rabbi Simon Jacobson: Welcome back to “Toward a Meaningful Life” and yours truly, Simon Jacobson. We’re on every Sunday from 6-7pm, 1050AM WEVD in New York. We’ve been getting great emails from listeners who’ve written to me about past shows, future ideas, and in general, following the philosophy of this show, come together in a grassroots type of search for a meaningful life.

We’ve all been inundated with so many different gurus and religious systems dogmatically presenting their style and approach. The philosophy and the theme of this show and of the Meaningful Life Center is that you and I and everyone out there has a G-d-given divine soul that gives you legitimacy and makes you indispensable—therefore you have all the resources you need in your life to be able to find the deepest form of meaning, growth, and developing meaningful relationships, and in a sense feeling like we make an impact, an imprint on this world that changes it in one way or another.

At the same time, the traditional system of Torah and Judaism offers us that power, not by giving us something from outside but something that comes from within. It’s part of the inherent approach of our radio show and of our website and all the other activities of the Meaningful Life Center that each of us has something unique to contribute and that you have it within you—you just have to cut away the impediments.

It’s your comments and feedback that help me decide the topics of future shows. In that context, the “grassroots” have stated that since the holiday of Shavuot is coming up (some of you may not be familiar with this holiday, the holiday 49-50 days after Passover), we should do something on that theme. Shavuot is essentially the holiday of the marriage between heaven and earth. It’s the day when G-d gave the Torah to the human race, to mankind; and it’s compared to a marriage.

So someone suggested that we do something on the cosmic marriage; its parallels with life down on earth, and the issue of marriage in general: of how we, in our personal lives, can find a relationship that’s eternal.

The reason I connect it to the cosmic level is that there is so much disillusionment in relationships, especially with the crisis of intimacy that we go through in our day and time with the high divorce rate, and an erosion of confidence, so that many people feel that there’s no hope. When they enter into a relationship, they wonder what the odds are that anything will be maintained and wonder how long it will last. Is there such a thing as a marriage the lasts forever? Is there such a thing as forever? Of anything eternal?

I also want to address the questions: Is there a spiritual root to the discord in relationships? Is there a secret to an eternal union? How can we heal marriage and introduce some form of eternity into our lives?

These are really large, million dollar questions, particularly living as we do in an age of cynicism. I was invited to speak once somewhere and the host asked me, “So tell me, what is the main topic that people are mostly interested in hearing?”

And I said, “Well, the number one topic that everything is interested in hearing about is relationships, marriage, sexuality, intimacy. And topic number two, in that list of the top ten, at least in my experience, is pain and suffering.”

So the host, without missing a beat, said, “Those aren’t two topics. Those are exactly the same topic.” For him, relationships and pain and suffering are one and the same.

In a way they are two sides of one coin, because if there’s no love there’s no pain and if there’s no connection, there’s no disconnection. Obviously when we stand as observers on the sidelines, we don’t allow ourselves the risk of being hurt, but we also don’t allow ourselves to benefit from the beauty of gaining something in a relationship either.

That’s why I think—particularly in the spirit of Torah thought in general—that every liability can be transformed into an asset; that even those of us who have gone through situations of either divorce or a breakdown of a relationship or who have in some way suffered in relationships (and who has not today?), that, too, can be converted and transformed into something positive because it can teach us what doesn’t work.

You see, in Kabbalistic thought, Jewish mystical thought, the idea of pain, on all levels, has a metaphor in the field of medicine. Pain, per se, may be something that is unwanted in our lives. We don’t like pain, which is why we take pain killers. But if there were no pain, if we did not have the nerves that were sensitive enough to feel pain, we would not be able to grow.

If a person is insensitive and bites his tongue and doesn’t feel it, he can end up G-d forbid hurting himself.

So pain is really a sign that something is wrong. It’s a wake-up call, a reminder that you should do something about it. Obviously if it’s very superficial pain we can solve it either by ignoring it or by taking an aspirin or some other type of intervention. But if it’s an enduring pain, it’s a wake-up call telling us that something’s out of sync.

The same is true in relationships. Healthy people who have gone through a break in relationships learn to grow from it—in essence, what it teaches them is that what doesn’t work often is a reminder and a type of an illumination which shows what does work.

That’s why I find that oftentimes people who have suffered in relationships or who have gone through a divorce can often teach us about the light itself. Many people who are in marriages are often complacent—a certain taking it for granted—where they just go through the motions. Some people just stay in a relationship because of their children.

There’s the famous Yiddish joke where the 103-year-old man and the 101-year-old woman come to rabbi after living together for 80 years and they say, “Rabbi, we want an immediate divorce. We can’t wait another minute.”

He says, “You’ve been married for 80 years! Why can’t you wait another minute?”

They said, “We just have to get out of this thing.”

The rabbi said, “So why did you wait until now?”

And they answered, “We waited for the children to die.”

It’s a classic joke, but at the same time a painful joke to tell, because often relationships, due to other circumstances that keep people together, are not necessarily due to their own compatibility and their own shared vision and joy. Many people see it as a minefield that they navigate: that no relationship is perfect but “we’re trying to work it out.”

However, the Torah tells us that it is expected of us that we can live up to a much higher standard. We don’t have to write them off or live a resigned type of approach to relationships. It has a lot to do with how we see ourselves. Often, people who have suffered and who have allowed themselves to grow through it—not to become bitter and choose not to go through it again because of the pain they endured—can teach us much, because it’s the eclipse of the sun that teaches us dimensions and illuminates elements of the sunlight that even regular daylight cannot teach us.

It’s often the edges of light, the shadows of light that can teach us about the light.

The reason I connected the topic of this show to a cosmic level is that one of the problems with dealing with relationships and its problems—marriage and divorce—is that each of us is subjective. When you’re in it, you can’t really look at it from the outside. And when you do look at it from the outside, you’re either too young or, if you’re too much on the outside, you don’t really appreciate what it means to be in a relationship.

So is there any way to find some type of objective quintessential relationship? That’s where, I believe, parallels to marriage on the cosmic level can help us understand marriage on a human level.

Humans are not perfect and therefore there is no such thing as a perfect union. However, when you have a backdrop of some type of quintessential or more perfect picture, you can look at what makes that work, and perhaps glean and learn messages on how to apply that to your own personal life.

With that being said, let me give you a little background. The Talmud describes the holiday of Shavuot as a marriage, a marriage between G-d and mankind—you could say a marriage between heaven and earth, between that which is above and that which is below, our material lives and our spiritual lives. When the people left Egypt, the Midrash tells that they turned to G-d and said, “You redeemed us from this bondage. We’d now like to commit to You. We’re ready to commit to what You want of us, to live our lives according to Your mandate.”

And interestingly, G-d stopped them and said, “Before you accept My mandate, before you accept My commandments, my laws, my mitzvot, accept My sovereignty, kablu malchusi. Accept Me.”

And the question is a very obvious one. What was G-d saying exactly by telling them that? And what message does it have? Clearly, when you think about it, it really gives us a very powerful message.

What is it about a relationship that creates a commitment? The usual commitments in our lives are contractual commitments. Two people make a contract, or two businesses make a deal, a partnership, and the contract binds them together. They state in the contract in the fine print in the regular print, “Here are the terms. This is what I do for you and this is what you do for me.” And that’s their commitment.

If they’re people of their word, they’ll honor their commitment. There are also I’m sure many doors or loopholes, circumstances where if they want to get out of their relationship, there are ways to do that.

However, the basis of the relationship is a contractual one. It’s not necessarily based on mutual love; it’s based on mutual interests, which is not the same thing. As a fellow once told me, the reason you take a partner in business is not necessarily because you like the person, but because you can’t do it without him or her.

So in a way it’s simply a way of creating a collaboration to be able to achieve a goal that is mutually beneficial.

Is a marriage that type of contractual arrangement, or is there more to it? Of course on a more romantic, idealistic level we can say that there’s much more to it—there’s a certain beauty to it called love. But yet, many people do treat a marriage relationship as a contractual agreement.

Obviously it’s based on some type of emotional connection, but it’s also about mutual benefit. What G-d was telling the people was, “I don’t only want a contractual relationship with you. I want you to accept Me, My entity, My existence.”

“When you accept the entity of G-d, I know, and I can rest assured that you will follow My edicts, my requests, my commandments.”

So what G-d was saying is that the first thing in a true relationship is not about the details. It’s not about what you do for me and what I do for you. And it’s not that you promise me that whatever you ask me I’ll do for you.

A relationship is about embracing the sacred space of another. In the case of G-d, it was the sacred existence of G-d. And it was also necessary, interestingly, that G-d embrace the sacred existence of mankind, or else there’s no true partnership, which we’ll talk about soon.

What we can learn from that is that the basis and foundation of a true relationship is the respect of the sacred space of the other person—not what they ask of you, not the details, not when they’re in a time of need you’re there for them. That all follows and is all necessary, but it’s not the foundation.

In every building you have a foundation that is invisible, and you have the structure itself, the floors. No building can withstand pressures if it doesn’t have the foundation, even though that foundation is not seen. But it is the basis of a true relationship that there’s a mutual and common respect for each other, that “you embrace me,” as G-d said to the people, “Accept me and then accept My laws.”

Once there’s an acceptance of the essence of the person him or herself, then you can be confident and comfortable that when there’ll be a problem or needs, they will be fulfilled.

That respect is one the crucial things missing in relationships today. Often there are other factors that keep people together, it may even be different levels of compatibility, but it’s not necessarily respect for the individual.

Now if the truth be told, I have to qualify that by saying that our relationship with G-d is also quite a rocky relationship. We have many difficulties. We’ve had many periods of separation and it’s not easy because a relationship with G-d requires also personal responsibility. We don’t always like the way G-d is running the show. We have many grievances and complaints about different issues or our needs not being met or seeing innocent people suffer and so on.

So it’s not exactly a simple relationship. However, at the same time, it can teach us about what it means to really embrace an entity outside of yourself, because that’s ultimately what it comes down to.

Let me take a break here to tell you about our new newsletter, “Meanings,” which has a lot of content and a lot of good information. We’re offering it to our listeners (and readers) free by writing to us at wisdomreb@meaningfullife.com or calling us at 1-800-3MEANING (1-800-363-2646) or at the Meaningful Life Center, Suite 303, 788 Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11213. If you give us your email address, we’ll send you our inspiring Thought of the Week that comes from myself and we have great comments and feedback on them. They’re something that you can share with others.

When people speak to me about relationships, I usually hear some type of resignation, or some are just completely confused about the matter. We do live in New York, sometimes called “the mecca of singles,” but it’s clearly not a place where marriage and an eternal relationship is the number one thing on people’s minds. On the other hand, people do aspire to it, and there’s no question that love is something that each of us needs and we’d like to be able to find some type of love that is consistent and at the same time exciting.

For many, that’s become the conflict. Can something consistent also be exciting, because if it’s too consistent you get bored with it, and if it’s too exciting, it doesn’t last.

That’s how it’s become polarized and in a way what makes it very difficult to commit. I recently spoke at a singles weekend, and someone asked the question, “What’s the ‘clickability’ factor: what makes people click into each other and what makes people not click into each other?”

To go to another point, there’s something I once heard that was quite moving—that there are three types of love in commitment. There’s one type where you really love someone and when they ask you to do something for them, even if you’re uncomfortable with it or it takes some exertion or effort, you still go ahead and do it.

Now one would think that that’s the deepest type of love. It’s not. There’s a deeper love where your partner, your beloved, doesn’t have to ask directly, but even if they allude to you that that’s what they want, you pick up the hint and you do it as well. That’s a deeper form of love because you go beyond the immediate request.

That too is not the deepest form of love. The deepest form of love is when you anticipate what your beloved would enjoy. What would they like? And without them even alluding to it or speaking about it directly, completely unexpectedly, you go ahead and do it. That’s the deepest type of love, because that means it’s not about a contractual relationship; it’s not just about needs, it’s about the true acceptance of the other person.

And you think about it to the point that you go beyond the letter of the law. That’s the deepest type of love because it’s self-generated. It’s not because of expectations. You may not get anything for it. It’s not done for a reward. It’s a form of something that’s self-generated from within.

To find a person like that is, of course, the greatest gift in life—to have someone that you feel that way towards consistently. But that is another reason why G-d said to the people, “I want you to accept Me. Because when you accept Me, I know that you’re in it for the long haul. You’re committed.”

And that requires an understanding of spiritual compatibility, which leads me to the second point in relationship.

At Mattan Torah, when the Torah was given at the revelation at Sinai, what took place was—and this is why it’s called a marriage—not just a revelation, not just some type of miracle, but actually the formation of a partnership.

The Talmud compares G-d and the human being as partners, and as we know in a true partnership, two equals each bring something to the relationship. True partners. That partnership is a second critical component in any healthy relationship. So number one is the unconditional acceptance of the individual. And number two is partnership, where each brings something to the relationship that creates a give and take dynamic, which of course means that it’s not based on some type of unhealthy balance where often you find one person more demanding or one person less demanding; one person more aggressive and the other more passive.

Obviously, we need both things in a relationship, but there’s also the issue of having a situation where two partners rely on each other not to compensate for their own lack but to complement each other—each one has something unique to bring.

I often come across relationships where people find a partner where one is completely dominant and one is completely passive. That’s usually a sign that something’s out of sync. But that can often be replaying a similar relationship between parent and child.

The partnership element is a critical one. Even with G-d, it’s a partnership. That’s the beauty of it. One of the philosophers asked Rabbi Akiva, “If G-d wanted you to circumcise your children, we didn’t He create you circumcised? Why aren’t you born circumcised?”

And he replied, “If G-d wanted us to have bread, why didn’t He give us bread? Instead He gave us the ability to plant seeds that turn into grain that we need to harvest and finally thresh into flour, mix with water and then bake.”

In other words, there’s a partnership. G-d provides the resources but we stand behind the counter. We are the ones who are actually processing this world and turning it into a civilized one, without which the world would remain unrealized.

Look today at all the technology that human beings have developed; that they’re able to take a world, created by G-d, with all the resources and the unbelievable amount of forces at work (of which we’re just beginning to touch the surface) and manipulate them into a world that’s a more civilized world, a better world, a world that can join together and transcend time and space which we do through communications. Just being here on the radio is a perfect example of that.

We have Vladimir on the line.

Caller: Hi Rabbi. It’s my second time calling you. I called you last time when the topic was abortion.

I want to talk about friendship and companionship. What does the Torah say about that? A lot of times in today’s world people get lonely. What about friendship and simple companionship?

Jacobson: Thanks, Vladimir. It’s a good question. We have different stages in our life as we develop, and companionship is something that’s critical from the minute you’re born. I will go beyond that and say from the moment of conception.

In a way, when a child is in its mother’s womb, it’s a form of companionship, a form of nurturing, but at birth you bond with your mother; you bond with your father. It’s been demonstrated that in the early stages of life, companionship is critical. We’re probably just beginning to scratch the surface of the importance of friendship, not just with your parents and immediate family, but peers.

People learn things from strangers. There’s a need for companionship. Now, I’m not sure what your question was addressing—companionship of a man and a woman, or general companionship of the same gender—but since I’m addressing companionship, I might as well address it in a fuller context. And I will address it also in the context of complete union through marriage, which is the ultimate companionship.

The Bible puts it this way: G-d created a man and a woman as one entity and then separated them into two, and that is why they’re drawn to each other.

The reason that human beings need companionship is not only for support and for nurturing, but it’s also that we become greater through it. We unite with G-d, with a larger picture, through other people, because each of us has our own unique, individual talents. Like a musical composition, there’s no musical note that can function on its own in order to create beautiful music.

Beauty does not mean one-dimensional. Beauty is not cloning and it’s not sameness. Beauty is harmony within diversity; that there are many forces at work, each contributing a certain component and together they create beautiful music.

This is the secret of all growth and all beauty and all unity in life, whether it’s a business project or a film or some other form of collaboration. It’s all about bringing different forces and great talent together: that’s when we see great creations are achieved.

On a personal level, this is human beings working with each other. So companionship is not just about making you less lonely, it’s the other way around. The reason you’re lonely is that you don’t feel complete without other people contributing something to your life.

Often people confuse loneliness with some type of need. But loneliness is really a symptom of something: a reminder that you’re not complete on your own. So if you’re lonely, it may sometimes be that because of the selfish space you’re stuck in, where you’re in a self-contained or self-protective space, you search for a companion.

Now companionship is on many levels. There’s a companion on a very basic, non-sexual level, a platonic companionship which would consist of having someone to speak to even at a young age, someone to share with, someone to do something exciting with.

The quintessential or the epitome of companionship is a man finding a woman and a woman finding a man and joining together in a union that isn’t just intellectual, emotional, and psychological, but also physical—of intimacy that ripples through the entire system.

And it’s not just sexual either. Unfortunately, we live in a society—I believe I’ve done a show on this—where sexuality has become divorced of intimacy. Sexuality is a quick-fix for some, which in a way tries to compensate for loneliness.

But anyone knows that if you reach pure hedonistic sexuality, it never, never resolves the loneliness issue. In a way, it makes you even lonelier—because for the moment it may distract you, but after a while you begin to see that it doesn’t spill over into the rest of your life. It becomes like an addiction, a drug, that for the moment gives you some type of high but then you need more of it.

Intimacy is much more than sexuality. Intimacy is companionship, where two people can spend time speaking to each other. Two people can spend time enjoying each other’s company, and it’s not only about sexual release.

In that context, marriage is the epitome of companionship. Often the way we bond with friends helps us understand who we are, and helps us develop to find a soul partner in marriage.

The truth is, it’s very hard to talk to an audience out there because all of you are in a different place. Some of you may be young listeners who are not yet at the age of finding an eternal partner. Others may be in marriages, others may be out of marriages, others may be looking to find the right soul mate.

So each of us is in a different type of place. It’s hard to answer Vladimir’s question about finding a companion because ultimately it’s about where you are in your life. You may need a companion on a very basic level.

But then there’s the ultimate, which is to try to find something that is all encompassing. I should add, by the way, that marriage should never preclude all other companionships, having friends in many different areas. Ultimately, a healthy union should actually cultivate and inspire relationships that extend into all of our activities.

Marriages where two people are just with each other and there’s nothing else going on may sound very beautiful, and there are times where it has to be that way, but a true relationship also has to spill over and create a balance where there’s more going on: having guests at your table, and in other ways that create that type of union.

So far I’ve addressed two parallels to the cosmic marriage with G-d: the issue of unconditional acceptance of the necessity of a partnership.

Ultimately, to address the issue of resignation and pain and all that comes with that is not an easy one, because as I said, when you’re in that situation, you don’t really feel that there’s a way out. But I believe that it comes down to not just the issue of whether the divorce rate is high and marriage rate is low, but how we see ourselves.

I would even be bold enough to put it this way. If you can’t learn to marry yourself, you will have great difficulties marrying another. What I mean by marrying yourself, I don’t mean falling in love with yourself—that doesn’t require too much effort. Most of us have some type of self-love. What I mean by marrying yourself is integration. Integrating the different parts inside of you.

I can’t help but cite the line that I often do, from Reb Mendel of Kotzk who put it this way when he talked about relationships—“If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not and you are not. If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am and you are.”

In simple words that means that if you define yourself by your proximity in relation to another person instead of defining yourself from within, if it’s not self-generated identity, ultimately you will not be able to have a relationship with another person.

That, I believe, is the real issue at hand when you talk about the crisis today. It’s self-discovery. The reason that we don’t marry at age one but wait is, as the Kabbalah puts it, that we need those years of developing a sense of self—what do I want? I don’t mean a sense of self to the point of arrogance, where there’s no room for anyone else, but a sense of confidence in yourself.

Healthy parents help us develop that sense of confidence. When you’re confident, you more or less know what you want, what you really want from deep within.

Often, relationships are compensators in that we try to use them to help us find ourselves. That is an error. Sometimes it may work, but often it can create more problems because it’s bound to lead to frustration because it’s impossible that another person give you an identity. No one can give you yourself. Only you can give you yourself, or in different words, G-d can give you yourself. A certain type of being in touch with your soul.

And that leads me to a third component in a successful relationship (and the converse is true, that when you go through a divorce you often can tell and teach this to others) which is the issue of spiritual compatibility.

You hear a lot of people asking, “How do I find my partner? What makes us compatible?” So of course there’s the basic, the obvious reasons, ingredients, like intellectual or emotional or psychological compatibility—we can have a good conversation, we enjoy the same things.

Just look at the singles ads and you can see how people identify themselves. You try to find somebody who enjoys what you do.

There’s one important component missing in all of that. Spiritual compatibility. So you may wonder, what does that mean exactly? What is spiritual compatibility? Does that mean religion—that you go to the same synagogue, the same church?

No. Spiritual compatibility has to do with vision, with the vision of what you really want with your life. Your mission statement.

Imagine two companies trying to merge, and one or both of them don’t have a mission statement. What kind of company will that turn into? It will be a disaster.

A mission statement means that you have a higher objective of what you want to achieve in your life. Spiritual compatibility means finding someone who shares a vision with you. What happened at Sinai was that there was a vision shared by G-d with mankind. A vision of how this world can be a better place.

G-d said, “I will provide the resources and you have to utilize them to make this world a better place, a G-dlier, holier place.”

Without getting into how to do that, the idea is that there was a vision that was shared. There’s no greater gift in life than having a vision because without vision everything else becomes details.

Now we can get caught up in an objective, like making a lot of money, being happy, entertaining ourselves, but don’t confuse that with vision. Vision means the ability to see, the ability to go beyond yourself and have a deeper vision.

In a way, what looking for a partner entails is not just the desire to build a home and family together, but a spiritual vision of who we are together as a family, how we want to impact the world, how you envision your unique contribution to others, how you intend to build something that is greater than both of you, greater than the sum of the parts. What is the music that you want to play? What legacy do you want to provide?

And that’s something that obviously is not emphasized enough. Not in school and definitely not later in life. Once we get caught up in the details of making a living and making ends meet, it gets increasingly difficult to do so.

The equivalent would be that when you build a building, you need to have a blueprint. And the blueprint consists of a vision. What is this thing that we want to build together? That’s spelled out and then you go ahead and build.

But imagine you already have all the builders there: you have the electricians and the plumbers and the air conditioning people and the bricklayers—they’re all there building, but no one has really defined what this building is supposed to look like.

That’s often what a relationship really looks like. So it’s important to have a shared vision. But before you can have a shared vision, you need to develop your own vision. And that’s why “if I am I because I am I,” has to be the basis of how we begin; a certain sense of self-discovery, because you embark on this journey called marriage.

Okay, we have Marvin on the air.

Caller: I think the more you give of yourself, the more self you feel. In other words, the more you share with others (it’s like a contradiction but it really isn’t), the more you share of what you know and what you feel with others, the more sense of self you get.

How would you comment on that?

Jacobson: I can’t agree more and I think it’s an extremely important point. You see, we live in a world, Marvin, where many people are insecure, and they think that the only way they can maintain security and confidence is to hold on to what they have, so they’re afraid to give, because by giving they feel that they may be giving away a part of themselves.

Caller: But like I said, the more you give of yourself, the greater the sense of self, because it’s unlimited.

Jacobson: I agree and I think that that’s a message that can’t be announced and can’t be reiterated more … and as much as you say it’s not enough. When people come to me with an issue in their relationship, usually you hear about the needs that people have, and they list all their needs. The question is, what do you bring to the relationship, what do you give? That is really a major issue.

But I believe that giving has a lot to do with your own sense of confidence. I find that many people don’t want to give, not because they’re selfish or narcissistic. That’s just a symptom. It’s usually a result of living in a world where dog eats dog. We’ve been trained that if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. So we don’t trust.

Giving requires trust. It’s a trust of being vulnerable because you’re in a position to give.

How many people do you know who will take that first leap and be the first one to give? Or do they wait until someone else takes the first step? That person who’s willing to take that risk, and I don’t mean a child who is juvenile or some type of immature folly, I mean that person who has that strength, a true leader, is someone who’s ready to give even before he or she receives.

That is the person who you know has a certain confidence level, who doesn’t need to wait and see who else is going to do the same that I’m doing. In relationships, it’s equally that way. That confidence is what ultimately fuels the security in any enduring relationship.

So is there such a thing as forever? No. Human beings, mortals, can’t create something that’s forever. But G-d is forever. Spirituality is forever. Bodies die. The soul does not. If your relationship is driven by mortal forces, it can never be forever. However, if it’s driven by a common vision, by something that’s beyond you, by a confidence in yourself that comes from your own soul that’s self generated, that you matter and you are indispensable, then you are introduced forever into your life and into your relationships.

That’s what it comes down to, that in any type of union it is the ability to give and the ability to be able to transcend your own self that makes something eternal.

We go to A.J. on the line.

Caller: Good evening Rabbi. I guess we could spend from now until midnight on this subject and I have a comment, but first, are you acquainted with the fact that the Reverend Bishop Sheen—remember him?—wrote a book called Three to Get Married; of course, the third entity being G-d.

What I wanted to comment on is that you mentioned something about anticipating somebody’s needs and providing for needs, however, I think that the greatest love is when we reject what are beloved wants at times even though it evokes their disfavor. And when you do that, because you want the best for the person, they may ask for all kinds of things but he knows it’s not good for their soul and sometimes people have to reject children’s requests or a spouse’s request because it’s not good for the family or it may not be good for that particular party, and that can be a very hard thing to do at times, but it has to be done for the best interests of the parties involved.

Jacobson: I think that’s a point very well taken and I appreciate it. There’s no question that in any type of relationship—there’s an expression that I use in my book Toward a Meaningful Life about love, which is “If you’re close when you should be distant, you’ll end up being distant when you should be close.”

I think love, like a dance, requires a to and fro type of motion, it requires giving and taking, it requires restraint and extension, and like a heartbeat, it has contraction and expansion, like when it breathe, we exhale and inhale.

I think that’s very important because no relationship can endure with just a motion forward, it has to have a motion back. And there are times where we do need to reject. I have to say, that when it comes out of love, a loving person usually can make that decision in a healthier way. I often find that people reject the requests of their children or of their spouses, not necessarily for healthy reasons. Often it’s out of greed or discomfort or your own personal selfishness.

But when it’s coming from a loving place, when you know that that person can give, and then there are times when they choose not to, then you can trust that to some extent. So thank you A.J. for that call.

You now can hear these shows on our website at www.meaningfullife.com. You’ll soon be able to hear this show wherever you are, even if it’s on Antarctica or the moon—if you have a line you’ll be able to hear this radio show live. This show is brought to you by the Meaningful Life Center, and we have many programs and activities besides this radio show. If you’d like to hear more about the topic of living a meaningful life, and particularly, the issue of marriage and relationships, please join us for our weekly spiritual journey. I say “our” because it includes mine, which is the Wednesday Night Class live at 346 W. 89^th St. in Manhattan, corner of Riverside Drive every Wednesday at 8pm. Please bring yourself and a friend.

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Even though we live in a war-scarred generation, many of us experiencing divorce, many of us in situations where perhaps our first relationships was not perfect, at the same time that does not create a situation of resignation and lack of a hope.

On the contrary, it should teach us about what doesn’t work, and instead of addressing the symptoms, it should help us get to the root of things. I think it has a lot to do with discovering your own self, and discovering it within a relationship as well.

So what can a person do practically? In a relationship, let’s say, that’s in the doldrums, where the vicissitudes of life have taken over and either your children keep you together or it’s just inertia or the fear of finding it even worse if you get out of this relationship, there are things that can be done to infuse a relationship with certain vitality. The first and single most important thing of the points I made here tonight are the acceptance of the individual, stepping back and looking at that individual. Two, the partnership that you’re in, and three, the element of a vision.

But how do you do it practically? Here’s my suggestion. First of all, try to find something new to do with your partner, which means, perhaps beginning to go to a class together, studying something together, particularly something spiritual, something that you both find inspiring and warming. Reading together. Even if you haven’t done that in years, maybe it’s time to begin something on that level, designating a half hour or an hour a week to do something together in that fashion.

Summer’s here, and of course people are thinking about their travel plans: that’s part of the romantic journey, often people think that’s what will infuse a relationship with some new vitality. That may or may not work. It may be new and it may be a distraction. Try something new that when you go on vacation, maybe take along some type of book or invite guests to your table, or make sure that you’re a guest at someone’s table, or discuss things that are beyond the here and now. Not just the stock market, not just the Internet, but something spiritual.

I don’t think there’s a person out there who doesn’t have a spiritual self. For those of you who are terrified of the word, you can call it your transcendental self if you like. A need for something that is beyond the mortal, beyond the here and now, beyond the immediate needs of life, and that is a form of spiritual connection. That is what brings foreverness and eternity into otherwise temporary and transient lives.

That’s what it comes down to. It’s critical to emphasize that this is not just an issue of marriage, it’s an issue of how we see our lives in general. That the investments we make are not just for the here and now; that what you do today can have eternal impact. Interestingly, in the Kabbalah, when it talks about the concept of marriage, of union, (actually the word used is, yichud, union) is seen not just as something between two individuals, it’s between two phenomena, two experiences.

And when you meet someone, it’s not just a temporary meeting. You travel, you meet someone, you may be meeting them just for entertainment reasons, or business reasons, or in your mind, by accident. Every meeting, every encounter, every walk on the beach can be turned into something eternal if you allow it to have some spiritual value. If you allow it to be an opportunity that allows you to see yourself in a new way. Share a message with a person in a new way.

And many of us have experienced this. You go somewhere, you travel, you may think you’re going for one reason, and something unexpected happens. We have the power to transform temporary moments into eternal blessings. To take a seed and create an eternal flower out of it. But what that requires is that you utilize the moment not just for personal gain and benefit at that moment, but you allow it to be a stepping stone, a springboard for some type of spiritual growth, for some type of message that comes out of it.

It’s really looking at life in a new way. I don’t claim to say that this radio show and the Meaningful Life Center in general is here to teach anything radically new; on the contrary, I would be more than gratified if I could be a contributor, like a gardener, that just helps clear away some of the weeds so that the flowers can emerge.

And the flowers are inside of you, inside of each of you as a listener, whether you’re single, whether you’re married, whether you’re in a situation of despair, whether you’re lonely or whether you’re comfortable. Every one of us has a flower, and that flower, interestingly, is multi-dimensional, it continues to grow and grow.

Another way of putting it is that each of us is a musical note and you can learn to play that music. It requires confidence, it requires getting in touch with that part of yourself, it is in a way clearing away the noises and sounds of our distracting lives and this requires having some bittul, the Hebrew word which means having some type of humility, modesty, a certain suspension of self and allowing other things to emerge in your life.

That bittul should spill over not just in your personal life but also in how you deal with others and how you meet people and how you ultimately bring it to your relationships. So when you talk about how you heal from wounds, it comes down to the hope and understanding that we have that part of soul inside of us.

On a final note, I would like to say that the people who have touched us the most deeply in our lives are those who have a certain type of silent majesty. I don’t know if any of you have ever met someone like that, but I’m sure that throughout our lifetimes, each of us has a person that we can identify that has a certain silent majesty. What I mean by that is that it’s not just about how loud or aggressive or how flamboyant they are, but rather, that when you’re in their presence, it gives you a sense of security.

That security allows you to learn to trust. I often find that people look in relationships for some type of panacea, some type of perfect situation, something that will save them. But in truth, as someone once put it, “Trust is built not on perfection, but on accountability.” In other words, we can all make mistakes. The key is whether you cover up your mistakes, whether you ignore them or deny them, or whether you’re able to acknowledge and grow through them.

So we live in a world where we’ve all made our errors, our mistakes. The key is what you do with it. Trust is built on accountability. The ability to be accountable for a past error and do something about it. When you have that type of attitude, then there’s a certain security that can help us grow.

When it comes to our personal relationships this factor is critical, whether we see it in our partner or in ourselves. People with silent majesty, who have that ability to exude a certain confidence can help us greatly in this area. And that’s what I want to lead to as my second suggestion, besides finding a partner, a class, or a book or something spiritual in your life, introducing something eternal, is to find a person of that nature, someone whom you can trust, someone who’s friendly, who in a sense embodies the wisdom of ages and can give you that type of sage wisdom. Often it’s an older person who’s gone through the ego trips, has gone through the different ups and downs of life, and I want to wish you all that we should be able to find that type of person in our life, and be able to bring into our personal lives the ability to find eternity both in our marriages and our relationships and in everything that we do.

We thank you for listening and for being a partner in the Meaningful Life Center, and becoming a partner in creating a better world. This has been Simon Jacobson with Toward a Meaningful Life.

Tags: marriage
Posted in Personal Life, Love & Marriage | No Comments »

Why Get Married?

February 25th, 2015

A man shall leave his father and his mother and be united with his wife, and they shall become one flesh
— Genesis, 2:24

A successful marriage is dependent on bringing G-d into the relationship
— The Rebbe

A wedding ceremony is indeed a joyous occasion. We see family members and old friends, we eat and drink, we dance and rejoice. We share in the happiness of the man and the woman who are committing their lives to each other. But why are they getting married in the first place?

Some might answer that a marriage is a contract that binds two people. But we know that if two people don’t love each other, no contract is strong enough to hold them together. The real question comes one step before marriage: Why is there such a powerful attraction between man and woman?

Because G-d created them as one entity and then divided them into two. As it is written in the Bible – “G-d created man in His image … male and female He created them,”[1] as the sages explain, “a single individual with two faces,”[2]. As an independent individual, a person would be left without companionship, without challenge, without the potential for growth. Neither man nor woman would be able to transcend the individuality into which they were born. So G-d created them as one and clove them into two, two who can join with each other to become one. Man and woman are drawn to each other because individually, we feel incomplete; we are searching for our other half, searching to unite with G-d.

Two people may love and care for each other, but without a divine force, what is to bond temporal human beings eternally? Such a bond is necessary, for, besides being two strangers with different personalities and backgrounds, a man and a woman differ biologically, emotionally, and psychologically and will undergo many transitions in their lives.

What Makes a Marriage Work?

Many raw materials go into building a healthy marriage. Love, of course, is necessary, and so is a sense of awe – the awe that each spouse feels for the other, and the awe that both husband and wife feel for G-d. Such awe will weave itself through every aspect of their lives, from the way they keep their home to the way they educate their children.

A successful marriage must have vitality. A union between two living people means that the union itself is alive, and must constantly be nurtured and encouraged to grow. A marriage must also abound in trust. Trust does not come overnight; it takes years to build. But once it is in place, it serves as a solid foundation that will support a marriage through crisis.

Trust does not come from perfect behavior; it comes from accountability. No one can be expected to be perfect, but they can be expected to be accountable, to acknowledge an error. Trust means that your attitude and conduct over time have demonstrated that your spouse can depend on you, that you have the integrity to act properly even when no one but G-d is watching. Otherwise, there will always be doubt: How can I know that my spouse is truly committed to this marriage?

A healthy marriage also means building a healthy home together – a home not just for your personal comfort, but one that will be a light unto others. From the outset, the priorities in a marriage must not be on the amount of money spent – for the wedding, the honeymoon or expensive furnishings in a house – but on the commitment to building a home that is guided by the divine principles of morality and virtue.

A crucial and central element in achieving a loving marriage is learning to cultivate peace at home, learning to communicate and handle the variables that will arise in any marriage. Learning how to get around an argument, how to reconcile, how to cope when things aren’t going well. Whenever one spouse is having trouble, the other should remember that they are two halves of the same soul.  Neglecting your spouse is the same as neglecting yourself, or neglecting G-d.

There are no magic formulas in handling problems within a marriage, of course. First of all, both spouses must understand that preserving the marriage, a sanctified union, is an absolute necessity for which they carry equal responsibility. We must also understand that a happy marriage cannot be built on one person’s terms. Individuality is enhanced, not obliterated by true love. It may be tempting to always have things your way, but love and respect are nurtured by acknowledging the wants and needs of a spouse. Such selflessness can only come from recognizing G-d in your life, which enables you to think of your spouse’s space as sacred as your own.

Above all, a healthy marriage necessitates that the wife and husband must always remember their duty to their third partner, G-d.  This includes fulfilling the commandment and blessing that man was given upon his creation: “Be fertile and multiply.”[3]  This is a critical component in a successful marriage.

The ability to reproduce is part of our physiological and psychological makeup, and is necessary for our well-being. We should not tamper with or second-guess G-d, who blesses us with the ability to bear children; with every child to whom we give birth, G-d blesses us with the strength and resources to sustain, care for, and nurture this child. There may indeed be the fears that result from living in a dysfunctional environment, in which there are many ways for a child to be hurt. But one wrong does not justify another – the wrong of choosing not to bear children. Having children defines and crystallizes the priorities of a marriage – indeed, of life in general – and raising children is the most challenging, profound and gratifying goal that a man and woman can hope to achieve together. It eternally bonds them to each other, to their family, and above all, to G-d.

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Tags: marriage, Toward a Meaningful Life
Posted in Excerpts From Toward a Meaningful Life, Personal Life, Love & Marriage, The Book: Toward a Meaningful Life | 3 Comments »

A Business Proposal

February 25th, 2015

From the time that G-d said to our father Abraham, “Go from your land,” and “Abraham went on, journeying southward,”[10] began the process of birurim—the process of extracting the “sparks of holiness” that are scattered throughout the universe and buried within the material existence.

By the decree of divine providence, man wanders about in his travels to those places where the sparks that are to be extracted by him await their redemption.  The Cause of All Causes brings about the many circumstances and pretexts that bring a person to those places where his personal mission in life is to be acted out.

Rabbi Sholom DovBer of Lubavitch

The news passed swiftly through the city of Chernigov, leaving shock and sorrow in its wake. Reb Yekutiel, a wealthy businessman and pillar of the community, had been arrested on charges of tax evasion and misappropriation of government funds.

All who knew Reb Yekutiel had no doubt of his innocence. Reb Yekutiel was known for his honesty, charity and modesty. Despite his immense wealth and influential position, he regarded every man as his equal and was always ready to lend a helping hand and attentive ear. For this, he had earned the respect and trust of all Chernigov’s residents, Jew and non-Jew alike. But this was czarist Russia, where a man could be arrested on a bureaucratic caprice or by the stroke of a vengeful commissioner’s pen.

Inexplicably, Reb Yekutiel was convicted. Nothing—not his connections in the government, not the numerous appeals by his expensive lawyers, nor the prayers of the community—could stave off the fate ordained for him. Reb Yekutiel was sentenced to ten years of hard labor in distant Siberia.

On the day before Reb Yekutiel was sent east, a man knocked on the door of Rabbi Dovid Tzvi Chein, rabbi of Chernigov. “Rabbi,” said the visitor, who was none other than the warden of the local jail, “Reb Yekutiel requests that you come see him. Special permission has been granted for you to visit him in his cell, should you desire to come.”

“Certainly,” said the Rabbi, “of course I’ll come,” and hurried to get his coat.

Tears filled Rabbi Dovid Tzvi’s eyes at the sight that met him upon entering the cell. Reb Yekutiel, too, was overwhelmed with emotion. The two men embraced and wept silently for some time. Finally, the prisoner began to speak:

“I asked you to come, Rabbi, not because I have any personal request to make, but because I want to tell you why I am here. Perhaps others can learn a lesson from my story.

“Several months ago, I was traveling to Petersburg for a series of meetings regarding my dealings with the government. As usual, I obtained a compartment in the first-class section of the train—a crucial necessity for any businessman seeking potential contacts among government officials and fellow merchants. It was then that I learned that the Lubavitcher Rebbe[11] was on the train.

“I passed by the Rebbe’s compartment, hoping to catch a glimpse of his holy face. The door was ajar, and suddenly I found myself gazing into his eyes—eyes that looked deeply into mine and seemed to know the innermost reaches of my soul. For a long moment I stood there, rooted to the spot. It was a while before I realized that the Rebbe was motioning to me to enter.

“With awe and trepidation I entered the Rebbe’s compartment. But the Rebbe soon put me at ease, inviting me to sit and offering me a cigarette. He expressed great interest in our community, as well as in my personal life and business dealings. In parting, the Rebbe said to me: ‘I’m sure you’ve heard of the railway that the government is planning to build across Siberia. I think this is a perfect business opportunity for you. As one who has close connections with Minister Potysukshnikov, you should be able to obtain a sizable contract as a lumber supplier.’

“I returned to my compartment in a state of confusion. The last thing I expected from the Rebbe was a business tip. On the one hand, I felt that the advice of a tzaddik should be followed. On the other hand, the proposal held no attraction for me, despite its great financial potential. My business affairs were going well, thanks to G-d; why should I leave my family and community and spend many long months, if not years, in far-off Siberia? At the end, I hesitated long enough for others to avail themselves of the opportunity—to my considerable relief, I must confess.

“And so, now I’m on my way to Siberia. I thought that the Rebbe was dispensing business advice, but he must have seen that there is something there, in Siberia, that I must achieve—some part of my mission in life that must be played out in the frozen east. I could have gone in comfort, as a wealthy businessman and government contractor. Now I am going in chains.”

Adapted from the teachings of the Rebbe by Yanki Tauber.

Tags: business, money, purpose of life, Chassidic stories
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Personal Life, Re'eh, Devarim, Torah, Business, Work & Money | No Comments »

Gender Differences: The Better Half?

February 12th, 2015

The Feminine Revolution

— Honoring Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka —

Most of history testifies to a male dominated hierarchy, with women, especially in the last generation, trying to level the playing field, with questionable results. But recent studies are making the case that women are actually more significant than men, if not outright superior. Articles and books titled “Are Fathers Necessary?” and “The End of Men” argue that the human race is dependent on women and not on men.

Fascinatingly, these latest findings confirm an age-old truth of the Torah that feminine energy is indeed more evolved than its masculine counterpart. Furthermore, the Kabbalah states that we are now on the verge of a new feminine revolution. So who is in control: men or women?

*

A man wears the pants, but the woman tells him what pants to wear — Old saying. Source unknown

Woman to man: What do you think about women’s intuition?
Man: Hogwash!
Woman: How did I know you were going to say that…

The feminine mystique has, well, mystified humans from the beginning of time. Just read the Biblical verses about the original woman and man in the Garden of Eden.

Most of history testifies to a male dominated hierarchy, with women, especially in the last generation, trying to level the playing field, with questionable results. But — listen to this surprise: recent studies are making the case that women are actually more significant than men, if not outright superior. Articles and books titled “Are Fathers Necessary?” and “The End of Men” argue that the human race is dependent on women and not on men.

Greg Hampikian, biology professor at Boise State University, puts it bluntly: “Women are both necessary and sufficient for reproduction, and men are neither. The father contributes an infinitesimally small packet of DNA, less than one-millionth of the embryo’s mass. And by the time the baby is born, it is the mother who has contributed all its weight. In contrast, the father’s 3.3 pico-grams of DNA comes out to less than one pound of male contribution, counting from the creation of Adam and Eve and the birth of some 100 billion babies since then.” He concludes: “If a woman wants to have a baby without a man, she just needs to secure sperm (fresh or frozen) from a donor (living or dead) … If all the men on earth died tonight, the species could continue on frozen sperm. If the women disappear, it’s extinction.”

To thicken the plot, there are recent studies finding that all fetuses begin as females, and then the male chromosome kicks in, which some see as a mutation…

The Female Brain, a book by neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, sums up hundreds of studies on the neurological differences between men and women. All human beings, she writes, start out with a brain that looks female. But around the eighth week in the womb, testosterone surges through male brains, killing cells in some regions (communications) and growing cells in others (sex and aggression).

By the time they are three months old, girls are, on average, much better at making eye contact with other people and picking up information from faces. During play, girls look back at their mothers, on average, 10 to 20 times more than boys, to check for emotional signals. Girls can also, on average, hear a broader range of sounds in the human voice, and can better discern changes in tone.

Later, girls are much more likely to use sentences that begin with “Let’s …” while playing: Let’s do this or Let’s do that. They are more likely to take turns. As a result girls are inclined to pursue certain goals: for example, to forge connection and to create community. In other words, to build a home.

Pretty strong words. Turning on its head the long-held notion that men are superior to women. Can that perhaps be the deeper reason that men always needed to demonstrate their dominance — due to their unconscious fear that they may be negligible?

What does the Torah have to say about this? And what then is the role of men in what appears to be a predominant female world? And above all, what truly defines us as women and men? If you are not aware of your true identity how can you expect to be acting on it, or even worse — how do you know if you not undermining it?

Fascinatingly, these latest findings about the power of women confirm an age-old truth of the Torah that feminine energy is indeed more evolved than its masculine counterpart. Furthermore, the Kabbalah states that we are now on the verge of a new feminine revolution.

Here’s the story — in brief:

In order to understand the essential nature of man and woman, we must do away with human subjectivity and look through G-d’s eyes.

In truth, since G-d created both men and women, it should be clear that both are absolutely necessary and indispensable. Yet, due to the many myths and stereotypes mentioned earlier – and the long history of male domination – our perspective has been distorted. It is time to get beyond that and to set the record straight.

Man and woman represent two forms of divine energy; they are the male and female elements of a single soul.

G-d is neither masculine nor feminine, but has two forms of emanation: the masculine form, which is more aggressive, and the feminine form, which is more subtle.

The female side is more of an inward energy – we could call it the majestic element of humanity, for it projects an inner dignity, an inner force (“The dignity of the king’s daughter is within” – Psalms 45:14). The male side is more of an outer force, more expressive, more aggressive.

Men are physically stronger. By nature, they are usually more externally oriented. In contrast, a woman usually embodies the ideal of nurturing and gentleness. Some people confuse such subtlety with weakness; in truth, it is stronger than the most aggressive physical force imaginable. True human dignity does not shout; it is a strong, steady voice that speaks from within. The nature of a woman, while subtle, is not weak. And the nature of a man, while aggressive, is not brutish.

In some ways the manifestation of inward energy is about the power to listen, the power to step back from your own ego, the ability to receive, to take in something greater than yourself. While the manifestation of the outward energy is about giving.

But receptivity is not a passive state at all, in a way it’s a very aggressive state, except it’s aggressive silence. It’s like we are intentionally willing to absorb at this point. That is a feminine energy in its quintessential form.

All this is discussed at length in Kabbalah and other spiritual traditions, as well as in psychology. It is called yin and yang, it is called male and female, it is called receptive and communicative.

For man and woman to be complete and lead a total life, they must each possess both energies: the power of strength and the power of subtlety; the power of giving and the power of receiving. Ideally, these energies are merged seamlessly.

Both the male and the female were created for the same purpose – to make themselves and their world better and holier. In their service of G-d, there is absolutely no difference between a man and a woman; the only difference is in the way that this service manifests itself.

In short, it is not about the male being superior nor of the female being superior. It’s about the whole, neither dominant, neither superior or inferior, both together as one.

The answer to the male/female battle then is not for men and women to try to be alike. All men and women must be themselves, realizing that G-d has given each of us unique abilities with which to pursue our goals, and that our primary responsibility is to take full advantage of those abilities.

Today’s reality is that we live in a male dominated hierarchy, and women are trying to achieve equal respect and status, and rightly so.

Men, simply because of their physical position and physical strength have had the upper hand for too long. And that is not at all healthy.

Indeed, according to Genesis (3:16).male dominance is actually a “curse,” an aberration – which resulted from the sin of the Tree of Knowledge This is the root of the distortion in our society, which worships physical strength and aggression – and one of the many terrible repercussions of that first sin.

It is our mission to correct this imbalance by realigning the material world with its spiritual purpose, and reconciling the divine roles and powers of both men and women.

We stand at the threshold of a new age. As the Rebbe says:: “After thousands of years of male dominance, we now stand at the beginning of the feminine era, when women will rise to their appropriate prominence, and the entire world will recognize the harmony between man and woman.”

Living in a materially aggressive society – one overly dominated by male energy – we need today more than ever to reintroduce and appreciate anew the inner feminine mystique, the subtle spiritual energy of the woman.

What does this mean practically? It means that – just as G-d told Moses to speak to the women at Sinai first (as we read in last week’s Torah portion) – we too must speak first to the feminine energy within us all (women and men). For by so doing, we will awaken the spiritual (feminine) revolution – a new appreciation of subtlety, dignity, of listening and absorbing, of inwardness and intimacy.

So, what about all the studies about the disappearance of men and their power? Frankly, if the material world insists on dominating with sheer aggression and brute power (male energy), instead of through love and sensitivity (feminine energy), then it has written its own obituary, as the studies show. Rule by the sword; fall by the sword.

But when we embrace the feminine approach – when the power of love will be stronger than the love of power – then both energies together, feminine strength coupled with the harnessed male power, will transform the world and each one of us into perpetual forces of light and warmth.

An Exercise

Let’s all separate these two forms of energy from the ideas of man and woman that we are familiar with. Let’s look at them objectively.

And now let’s look at ourselves and compare, asking ourselves the following:

“Where do I stand in my ability to receive? Where is my inner dignity? Am I overly dominant and aggressive? Am I inward and quiet. Is that healthy?”

Having analyzed ourselves, let’s recognize the necessity for a balance. The imbalance that exists in society today is a direct result, in a subtle form, from the misalignment that happened when Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge.

Since that time, humanity no longer had mutual respect – the feminine and the masculine acted like separate entities, each on its own.

But the fact is that men and women need each other. We were created that way, and it’s high time we recognize the need for more harmony between the sexes.

Let us commit to investing all we have in building healthy and nurturing homes permeated with domestic harmony (sholom bayit), and to improving our relationship with our spouses, so that together – as partners – we will turn our homes into beacons of light that will illuminate all our surroundings and all whom we touch.

A closing story about the great 16th century master of Kabbalah, the Arizal (related in Shivchei HaArizal):.

It was late in the afternoon, just before Shabbat, and – as was their custom – the Ari and his disciples went out to the outskirts of Tzfat (Safed) to greet the Shabbat Queen. In the midst of their singing, the Ari turned to them and said, “My friends, would you like to go to Jerusalem now so we can spend Shabbat there?”

Some of the students said yes, while others wanted to go home first and inform their wives.

When the Ari heard this, he trembled greatly and struck his hands together in anguish. He said, “Woe is us, that we did not have the merit to be redeemed. Had you all replied that you wanted to go, unanimously and joyfully, the entire Jewish people would have been redeemed, as it is now an auspicious time for the redemption. Since you refused, the exile has been re-imposed because of our many sins.”

The Rebbe once cited this story and concluded that when the Messiah is ready to come in our days, he will notify the women first, just as G-d instructed Moses to do at Sinai.

And the women will surely respond immediately, without waiting to consult their husbands. And their husbands will surely come scrambling after them..

Women today ought to lead the way in building a divine home in this universe, and use their unique skills and talents to inspire others in the same direction.

We are on the threshold of a new age — the feminine era. For millennia we valued brute strength over subtlety, quantity over quality. Today we are learning to appreciate the invisible — the cellular, the sub-atomic, the supramolecular, DNA, energy, nanotechnology.

The ultimate is the fusion between the internal, intimate an the external, expressive. The union between the microscopic quantum state and the macroscopic classic state. The joining of the inner feminine and the outer masculine; the gentle and the aggressive, the nurturer and the warrior.

And we — we have the power to shape the future destiny of the world by embracing this fusion.

What an honor? What a time to be alive?

Tags: Divine feminine, gender segregation, Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka, gender roles, Moshiach, Rebbe, kabbalah, redemption, Divine energy
Posted in Personal Life, Love & Marriage, Social, Women & Men | 2 Comments »

Yitro: Beauty or the Beast?

February 5th, 2015

Reality Check: After 3336 Years How Far Are We from Sinai?

With the war in Israel and Gaza escalating and anti-Semitism rearing its ugly head, we are reminded in this week’s Torah portion of events that shaped our civilized world, helping us reclaim our human mandate, and wage war against those forces that wish to defile the dignity of our sacred lives, and destroy the fabric of our society and the values we cherish.

3336 years ago Sinai introduced civilization to this world. It took over three millennia for that mandate to spread across the globe. Today humanity stands at a crossroads: Will we embrace the beauty of Sinai or the beast that is borne from distorted faith?

*

As gruesome attacks continue on innocent men, women and children, all in the name of religion, we humans — the human race — ought, nay, must, look at ourselves and ask: how have we come to this? And what can we do to change the state of affairs?

As decent people we are obligated to get to the bottom of this cancer, and do whatever it takes to eradicate it. Our generation will be judged by what we did or did not do at this critical juncture in history.

The assault of militant Islam on the collective human race — by now everyone recognizes that it has clearly crossed all boundaries, targeting everyone from American, Japanese, Jordanian, Muslim, Christian, Russian, Chinese — is nothing less than a declaration of war on mankind. Why should it not be considered World War III?

Though it is being fought in very different ways, often without a defined battlefield, with no clear front lines and boundaries, without the attack on entire cities or countries and thousands of people at a time, it nonetheless is an attack on entire civilization and way of life. And in many ways far more challenging than the Axis in the previous World Wars, where the enemy and its objectives were defined, their location was clear; we knew whom to target. Those wars were fought in particular locations, not directly affecting, for example, the US mainland.

Today on the other hand, the enemy is concealed, and its threat crosses all boundaries. Terrorist attacks have happened across the globe, and in random fashion. And the threat of terrorism has disrupted life. Just take air flight as an example.

Today’s war is having a slow bleeding impact and insidiously eroding the security and confidence of the free world.

Complicating matters further — far far further — is the religious crusade behind today’s war. Religion frightens most of the Western world, and certainly confuses even the faithful. How could anyone behave so savagely in the name of their God?! How could anyone so mercilessly take the life of G-d’s children, people created by G-d?! Where is the compassion and the kindness faith advocates?!

What is even more disconcerting is that with every atrocity the ante is lowered and we become more desensitized to the harsh realities occurring around us. And that may be the worst consequence — and conquest — of modern-day terrorism: It has lowered our standard for civility. We have begun to find terrorism “acceptable.” Like an abused wife who becomes so detached that she denies (or minimizes) her husband’s beatings, the carnage has tragically become so routine, so common, that we just dismiss it. Instead of outrage and anger, we chalk it up to just “another day” in the Middle East.

Only problem is that it no longer is isolated to the Middle East. It began in Israel. As in so many historical battles, Israel and the Jewish People — like a lightning rod or the proverbial miner’s canary — seem to always be at “center stage.” But unlike Vegas — where “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” — nothing that happens in Israel stays in Israel. An attack on Jews has always ended up in being an attack on all people. Case in point: Hitler and the Nazis.

This is far beyond double standard. And that standard keeps dropping, like a horror movie that ceases to horrify.

Just imagine what would happen if a group of Jews would have beheaded a Muslim, and publicized a videotape of the event. Would the world be quiet?! If a group of Americans would do that would everyone be silent?!

Every Tom, Dick and Harry – in Europe and beyond – would be clamoring for denials and protests from the Jewish community, to disavow any connection, any endorsement of such a horrendous act, and to investigate the atrocity and punish those responsible.

That is why it is so disturbing to witness a world so surprisingly silent in face of these Muslim crimes against humanity. Where is the natural public outcry you would expect when seeing such an assault on the sanctity of life and all that we value?

How laughable is it that instead of taking on the greatest challenge of our times — World War III — the headlines are questioning Israel and its right to defend itself?

Why is the world not joining together, looking at this siege straight in the eyes, and waging full scale war?

How many beheadings, burnings, shootings, massacres, have to take place (G -d forbid) for us to wake up and take on the enemy?

* * *

What do we do?

What do wise people do at times like this, when our very humanity is under attack with no public uproar, and our “leaders” seem lost — and especially when all this is happening in the name of religion?

They go back to the drawing board for a reality check.

At times like this the first step we must take is to return to our point of departure, to our collective “mission statement:” to define the very core of our humanity and freedom, what makes us human in the first place and what is our mandate and purpose in life.

When a world has gone crazy, and fires are burning out of control, when people are wantonly killing other in the name of faith, the logical and vital thing to do is to retrace our steps to the roots and origins of faith in the first place, as well as the roots of our freedoms and inalienable human rights. And then, by studying the contrast between the roots of faith and how it devolved into distorted faith, we come to understand what needs correction and how to correct it.

Those roots go back 3336 years ago to Sinai. The single most important event in history occurred at Sinai: the human race received its mandate how to build a civilized world.

This great gift was given for all of mankind, however at the time the nations of the world rejected it. As our sages tell us that the children of Esau and the children of Ishmael both were offered the Torah and they rejected it after seeing that they could not live up to its laws, namely the prohibition on murder, theft and sexual transgressions.

It would take over 1000 years for the children of Esau – the Roman/Western/Christian world – to begin embracing the Sinai principles. It would take another 700 years for the children of Ishmael – the Muslim/Arab world – to do the same.

Yet, even after the birth of Christianity and Islam both would struggle with these principles and wreak global havoc in the process. For centuries Christians terrorized the world in the name of their religion. The Crusades, the Inquisitions, the pogroms are a few examples of the awful horror the Christians inflicted in their search to eradicate so-called heresy. Only in the last few hundred years has Christianity been tamed.

Islam too has had periods of aggression, now rearing its ugly head and terrorizing the world.

The bottom line is that the children of Ishmael are still struggling with the message given at Sinai.

What was it at Sinai that the children of Esau and Ishmael rejected, and what is its message today that they need to embrace?

Two major revolutions took place at Sinai.

First and foremost Sinai declared that G-d gave us freedom. The Ten Commandments begin with the statement: “I am your G-d who delivered you from [the bondage in] Egypt.” The sages explain that Egypt in Hebrew (Mitzrayim) refers to all forms of slavery and confinement, anything that inhibits human freedom.

Then the remaining nine Commandments declared at Sinai define the system that we must build to maintain our freedom and construct a civilized universe (“Thou shall not murder,” “Thou shall not steal,” etc.)

The opening of the Bible (Torah) formalized at Sinai states that the human being was created in the Divine Image. By this virtue each of us has unalienable rights. Once that axiom is in place then we have the solid foundation upon which all law and order stands: The Divine authority that has endowed us all with fundamental freedom and with a moral system by which to live.

Take away the bedrock of the first commandment, all else inevitably falls. With no Creator imbuing us with absolute freedom and defining for us a blueprint for life, all morality becomes arbitrary and relative. Case in point: The Nazis defied “though shall not murder” only because they first defied the first commandment of accepting G-d Who gave us all life and freedom. Instead, they chose to “play G-d” and arbitrarily decide who has a right to live and who not.

That is the first Sinai revolution: The bestowal of freedom on all human beings.

To appreciate this revolutionary message one need only look at human history: Until a few hundred years ago basic human rights that we take today for granted simply were not respected in virtually every country in the world! Monarchs, despots, religious authorities ruled in totalitarian regimes that controlled every aspect of their subjects’ lives.

Notwithstanding all history’s “growing pains,” at Sinai the universe received the mandate of freedom and the blueprint of civilization. 3336 years ago Sinai set in motion a series of events that would change the world forever, and continues to impact our lives today.

It would take three millennia before Sinai would begin to breed countries that would embrace its message in their system of government. In the 18^th century, the United States as well as many European countries, began to champion the fundamental principles of Sinai: All people are created equal with inalienable rights and freedoms.

In the last three centuries freedom has continued to spread, to the point that Freedom House, which ranks countries on a scale of free and unfree, places 144 of the world’s 195 countries (74%) in the free or partially free category, with 51 (26%t) rated not free.

The second revolution that took place at Sinai was even greater than the first:

Before Sinai there was an impenetrable rift between heaven and earth, between matter and spirit. An invisible wall separated between the transcendental and the material. A decree, a schism separated between above and below. “That which was above could not descend below, and that which was below could not ascend above.”

At Sinai the world changed. Heaven was unplugged. Sinai opened a door, never again to be closed, that allows mortals in a material world to become Divine. For the first time the human race was given the opportunity to bridge heaven and earth – to fuse spirit and matter. It gave us the power to spiritualize the material, and to make our lives sacred, not just ethical.

This was no small event.

Philosophers, thinkers, theologians and lay people have all always asked the eternal question: How high can a human being reach? Are we humans just sophisticated beasts, with limited potential? Can we ever reach heaven and beyond or bring heaven down to earth? Can we integrate spirituality into our material lives? Can we fuse the finite and the infinite?

The fact is that matter and spirit are in a perpetual struggle. Narcissism, greed, corruption are staples of life. When we look at ourselves each of us knows that we often feel that “I exist and nothing else,” to the detriment of others. When this feeling becomes extreme it can destroy lives of those around us. On the other hand, we also have a spirit inside of us. We have the power to live noble lives, filled with dignity and selflessness.

So we have an inevitable clash. Matter by its very nature is selfish. Spirit is selfless. No wonder that people have always speculated whether these two worlds can meet, let alone merge.

In general we find two approaches evolving in history: Asceticism and immersion. One states that in order to experience spirit we must separate ourselves from the material tentacles of life, and “climb the mountain” to meditate and become absorbed in a higher reality. Basically, one must deny the material life. An extreme version of this would be the ascetic life. To achieve the sacred the material life must be compromised. The infinite may be reached, but only by denying the finite.

The other extreme is that we cannot really reach heaven. We must live ethically, build healthy homes and workplaces, and find spirit in limited ways within our limited lives. Because we are essentially mortal creatures, with inherent selfishness or even evil, we cannot expect anything more than the best an earthy creature can achieve. A variation of this includes the ability of achieving salvation but not through our own efforts but by embracing something beyond us. The infinite is not integrated into our own personal lives.

Sinai opened the door of a third option. Sinai created an interface that bridged heaven and earth, giving us the power to integrate matter and spirit, utterly and completely, without compromising one or the other. The finite can become one with the infinite; matter one with spirit; the sacred one with the secular. Briefly, because G-d is neither spirit nor matter, He gave us the power to completely integrate the two.

This third Sinai option, however, did not come easily. The nations of the world could not accept – nor understand – how one can bridge the two worlds. As limiting as the first two options may be, they seem simpler, while the Sinai option requires a continual straddling of the thin line between matter and spirit. They therefore rejected the Torah at the time. Even the Jewish people did not reach Sinai effortlessly. Twenty-six generations of hard work, culminating with the terrible Egyptian slavery, was necessary before the people would be ready for Sinai.

This struggle between heaven and earth has many manifestations, including the battle that we so often have witnessed between religion and secularism. If you are a firm believer how do you deal with the secular world? According to the two above-mentioned options you either have to wage a holy war against the secular, or your basically embrace the secular with limited sanctity.

That is why Sinai came after much hard work, and why it would take thousands of years to begin integrating Sinai’s power into global affairs.

Therein lies the essential root of the religious wars waged throughout history. Recognizing secular heresy as an enemy, the Christians and later the Muslims, engaged in aggressive battles with the forces they perceive as threatening.

These battles actually began in the home of Abraham. Abraham, father of all nations, was the one that began the process, which was consummated at Sinai, of discovering and embracing the method of integrating the Divine and the mundane. Yet this effort encountered many challenges, including the difficulties with his son Ishmael. “He [Ishmael] will be a wild man. His hand will be against everyone, and everyone’s hand will be against him” (Genesis 16:12). It came to a point that Ishmael had to be banished from Abraham’s home.

This battle only intensified in the home of Isaac, son of Abraham, in the struggle between the twin brothers, Esau and Jacob. “Two nations are in your womb. Two governments will separate from inside you. The upper hand will go from one nation to the other. The greater one will serve the younger.” The brothers are diametrically different characters. Esau is a “skilled hunter, a man of the field.” “Jacob was a wholesome man, who sat in the tents” – a scholar who dwelled in the tents of study.

The battle between Esau and Jacob represents the battle between the material and the spiritual, a struggle that would only be resolved at the end of times.

What was the core of Ishmael and Esau’s difficulties, one that would later cause their children to reject the Torah, while the children of Jacob were embracing it?

Chassidic texts explain that the problem was rooted in balance. Ishmael (son of Abraham) was an archetype of abundant chesed (love) without the discipline of gevurah (judgment and discretion). Esau (son of Isaac) was an extreme of gevurah without the sensitivity of chesed.

Jacob, by contrast, was tiferet. Tiferet is beauty – harmony within diversity. Tiferet has the power to fuse love and discipline into one symmetrical unit. Tiferet possesses this power by introducing a third dimension – the dimension of truth, which is neither love nor discipline and therefore can integrate the two. Truth is accessed through selflessness: rising above your ego and your predispositions, enabling you to realize truth. Truth gives you a clear and objective picture of yours and others’ needs.

Jacobs’ children were educated with this Tiferet balance. They thus were ready for Mattan Torah, to receive the Torah at Sinai, which is called Tiferet. This is why we don’t find the Jewish people embarking on any religious war against heretics, or converting the nations of the world to Judaism. Conversion is actually dissuaded in Jewish law. When you are a person of Tiferet – secure in your own beliefs; aware that all humans were created in the Divine image, and one need not be Jewish to serve G-d; maintain a perfect equilibrium between love and discipline; absolutely confident that the sacred and the secular can be integrated with the Divine, and that this integration will come to fruition; lacking any fear that evil may be more powerful than good – then you can maintain the highest standard of spiritual integrity without resorting to killing or terrorizing others to conform to your beliefs.

Ishmael and Esau lacked this balance. Unbridled love and untempered discipline, even if they are driven for a good cause, ultimately become aggressive forces of destruction. Too much undisciplined love spoils a child and can create a monster, like too much rain that floods and destroys the fields. Unlimited judgment and severity, without underlying love, becomes tyrannical.

Thus, at Sinai the children of Ishmael and Esau were not yet prepared to receive the Torah. But their time would come, and come it did. Maimonides writes that by the mysterious ways of Divine Providence, Christianity and Islam helped pave the way for the Messianic age by acquainting the world with the principle of Messiah, the Torah and mitzvot. As time would pass their beliefs would continue to refine and mature.

In the centuries that followed Esau and Ishmael’s descendants would go through their growing pains in learning how to balance religious beliefs and daily life. This would not be an easy process; history is witness to the devastation and bloodshed wreaked by this journey. But slowly, slowly, Sinai would seep into the fibers of all people. The process concludes with the refinement of the last two powers, Edom (Esau) and Ishmael, which leads to the Messianic age – a world where there is no more destruction and terror and all children of Abraham serve the One G-d of Abraham in peace and harmony.

After years of tyranny the Western/Christian world has finally bred countries like America that champion the fundamental principles of Sinai: All people are created equal with inalienable rights and freedoms. The children of Esau have come to embrace the teachings of Abraham, formalized at Sinai.

The time has come for the children of Ishmael to do the same. We need to look at the education system, the curricula that Muslim children are being taught, and analyze it with the same rigor that we do in the media with far more superficial issues.

The Middle East is a breeding ground – a platform – for terrorism, for genocide (I don’t even have the right word for it). The schools are educating the children with certain ideas that are allowing for mass terror as a viable option to be exercised – or tolerated – in order to advance a cause. That simply is unacceptable.

The time has come to finally call them on it.

And this may be the ultimate reason why we don’t hear outrage: It’s just simply too unsettling to realize that we are dealing with a confrontation with 1 billion Muslims. A clash of civilizations is the last thing that people want to hear about.

However there may be no choice. Just as over a billion Christians were tamed, the same goes for the Muslims. Humanity must live in a civilized way. Especially people claiming religious beliefs must comply with G-d’s universal laws.

I understand the risk of interfering in the sovereignty of another country’s education system. Yet, we must approach this with pure intentions, infused with humility, demanding of ourselves the same standards we expect of others. Then we have a right to demand of ourselves and others to live up to the standards that Abraham taught all his children and all of civilization.

America today plays a special role in this work. The foundations of this country are built on absolute principles of faith and trust in G-d. This is not just a country of economic opportunity. The success of corporate America and unprecedented prosperity is a result of an unwavering mission statement: All equal, in G-d we trust, diversity and individual, e pluribus unum — under one G-d.

This country must align itself with its mission – the business of this nation must reconnect to its higher calling. Then and only then does this country earn the right to hold itself up as an example to the world. Simply being a nation of great wealth and power does not by any means give it the moral high ground. Other nations, religions and peoples have much longer traditions and histories than the relatively new world of America. But America can demonstrate something unique to the world. As a country, it can rise above our own national issues and serve as a beacon of light teaching the world the universal principles of all humankind – the principle upon which this nation was founded – how to live in peace with G-d.

3336 years ago the children of Esau and Ishmael rejected the Torah. Perhaps G-d could not impose it on them. But we can.

Today we must call on them, and insist, that they finally accept what they rejected then – that they finally accept the Torah in its entirety.

After all we have endured in the last three millennia, and with the current state of atrocity in the Middle East, we can appreciate the need for all nations to embrace the mandate given to us at Sinai.

So, 3336 years later how far are we from Sinai? On one hand it seems quite far, but on the other Sinai may be just around the corner. It’s up to us to determine which one it will be.

Is there a more powerful challenge to us as we approach Sinai?

This is the call of the hour. The call of Sinai. The call that sounded 3336 years ago and resonated around the globe and throughout history. This call is still reverberating today, waiting for our response.

As we read this week about the story of Sinai, when we relive the revelation at Sinai, this may be the best time to demand accountability of the Arab/Muslim world for their actions, and to call the rest of the world to demand a response.

Just like there is a thin line between comedy and tragedy, there is a thin line between genius and madness, between faith and heresy and between beauty and beast.

At Sinai we were given beauty — a formula to eloquently bridge heaven and earth. When displaced and distorted the beauty of faith can become a savage beast, killing everything in its path.

Islam stands today at a crossroads: Will it embrace the beauty or the beast?

Tags: anti-semitism, Islam, Mt. Sinai, Islamism, war
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Shmot, Religion, Yitro, Social, Spiritual, Torah, Terrorism, Current Events | 7 Comments »

Yud Shevat: Meshuga: The Sanity of Insanity

January 30th, 2015

An Ode to the Absurd

Sixty five year ago today a great master ended his journey on earth and his leadership passed on to his son-in-law, the seventh generation of a distinguished line.

This transition was captured, as is the custom by masters and mystics, in an esoteric discourse (known as a Chassidic maamar), which was the last discourse he published and the first delivered by his successor.

Sixty five years ago today (the 10th day of the Hebrew month of Shevat 1950) my mentor’s mentor (Rebbe’s Rebbe) ascended on high. His name: Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneerson, the sixth Chabad Rebbe. The last discourse he published in his lifetime was issued for study that very day (in 1950). The Chassidic discourse, titled Basi L’Gani, Come to my Garden (a verse in Song of Songs), consists of twenty chapters.

When Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak’s son-in-law, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, assumed formal leadership of the movement (on this day one year later, in 1951), he began his first discourse with the same verse, and elucidated on the original discourse. Every year hence, on this day, Yud Shevat, the Rebbe would focus, in consecutive order, on another one of the twenty chapters of the discourse, in 1952 – chapter two, 1953 – chapter three, concluding with chapter twenty in 1970. Then he began the order again. Based on this cycle, this year, 2015 (5775), corresponds to the fifth chapter of Basi L’Gani.

During this time of year, and especially on this auspicious day, many people study the Basi L’Gani discourse and the specific chapter corresponding to this year – chapter five.

What is the theme of chapter five? Holy madness. Craziness. Meshugas.

And not just that. In a fascinating way the chapter provides us with a formula how to transform our own foolish “meshugassen” — all the mindless things we do on a daily basis — into supra-rational transcendence, divine in-sanity.

But before you get the impression that this writer has gone off his mind (which may be true regardless, but why allow that to impede the reader from reading on?), let us define what the word “crazy” actually means.

Many of us may be frightened by the word due to its connotations and stigmas. But consider the following 1997 ad from Apple (who has in the last quarter racked up $18 billion in sales — pretty crazy, no?):

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

Yes, indeed, “the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do,” as Steve Jobs dazzlingly showed.

Is there anyone that does not want a bit of such craziness?

OK, now that we have established that there is a positive and intriguing type of “craziness,” let us address what we consider to be “normal” and “sane.”

Do you consider yourself a rational or irrational person? Clearly that is a loaded question. Who in their right mind (no pun intended) — besides for a self-loathing individual — would describe themselves as irrational?!

One person I know answered: “Are you kidding me?! The question is the other way around: Do I ever behave rationally?” Indeed, though most people like to believe that their decisions are rational, studies show that many if not most major life choices are driven by non-rational forces — emotions, impulses, habits, desires, fears, pride, obstinance and so one. You don’t need studies; just observe what drives most of your decisions in life. How often do you act in a way that you know, even while doing it, that your behavior doesn’t make sense. How many times have you been consumed by desire and succumbed to temptation aware all the while that there would be long term consequences and you would regret your behavior, and yet, that was not enough to help you control yourself and your instant gratification?

And how many of our day-to-day activities are simply based on mindless routines, patterns and social norms?

Just because everyone is doing the same thing, just because a certain behavior has become a pattern and routine, or even a culture, that doesn’t make it “rational” or mindful. It just means that we can have collective insanity, mass madness, herd mentality.

But regardless whether you agree with the irrationality of most human decisions, and even if you consider yourself a mindful person, none of us are immune from having done something irrational and foolish once or twice in our lives, if not more often.

The question is this: What is the antidote to impulsive, senseless, moronic if not outright destructive behavior? Our intuitive reply would be to either initially avoid falling into the trap of folly, or if we did, simply move on and put it behind us, behaving rationally going forward, learning from the experience.

Enter chapter five of Basi L’Gani, offering us a novel and even revolutionary approach to the absurdity of our lives. Instead of just avoiding or ignoring the irrational, transform that mindless mindset into a supra-rational force of transcendence, creating something absolutely unusual — something absolutely crazy. Since you are already in a mad and wild state of mind — turn that wild energy into revolution, changing the status quo.

Thus “the accuser becomes the advocate,”“the knife which harms becomes the scalpel that heals — even plain foolish behavior becomes a springboard, a catalyst ans fuel for reaching heights that are beyond the sober mind and its rationalizations. Moving from the ordinary to the extraordinary.

Chapter 5 in Basi L’Gani goes on to challenge our very understanding of the mind and the rational, compelling us to enter the inner recesses of our minds and psyches, and ask the biggest question: Are we at heart people of the mind or of beyond the mind? What is consciousness? Is rational behavior more rational than madness? Is the rational rational? What lays beyond intelligence?

Reality — the Divine infinite — explains Basi L’Gani, is beyond anything a mind, let alone a mortal one, can grasp or understand. That may seem obvious. But the discourse takes it a step further: True reality is not simply beyond our intelligence, it is beyond the very structure and parameters of intelligence. Beyond our intelligence implies a relative distance — that it is beyond our present grasp, but with time and effort we can reach an understanding of that which is now beyond our intellect. But the true beyond is beyond the beyond — it is fundamentally and absolutely beyond the grasp of intelligence now and forever.

A very imperfect and limited example for this would be Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, which established that both the position and velocity of a sub-atomic particle is fundamentally unknowable (not simply due to our lack of data or understanding).

Awareness of these new horizons doesn’t close our minds. Quite the contrary, it opens us up to recognize that beyond the known knowns, the things we know we know, and beyond the known unknowns, the things we know that we do not know — there are the unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.

In other words (in the terms used in the 1955 discourse): There is what we directly know (through observation or deduction), what we interpolate (yediyas ha’chiyuv). Higher than that is what we extrapolate — we come to understand it through negating the opposite, process of elimination (yediyas hs’shelileh). Like saying about something beyond our comprehension: I know that whatever we know about this thing does not define it; it defies my definition. I can’t call it wisdom, but I can’t call it not wisdom, so I say that it is not not-wise. I know that’s its not like me or anything I can define.

Then we climb higher, and come to appreciate that Reality is not simply a negation of what we know, but utterly beyond even the beyond (shelileh b’hechlet).

And it doesn’t stop there. In the Rebbe’s 1955 analysis of chapter 5, and in a subsequent talk he delivered the following Shabbat, he takes us on a journey into an even higher level, where we cannot even negate the negative (shelileh muchletes, shelilas ha’shelilah). [See the discourse Ki Korov 5668 cited in the 1955 discourse].

Imagine you are marveling at an exquisite piece of art. From the masterpiece you can deduce to some extent what type of master artist must have created this work of art. Upon further contemplation, you come to realize that this artist is certainly capable of creating many other pieces of art, and of completely different genres and styles, winch you have no clue of. You only can extrapolate from this masterpiece that the creator can do a lot more, not just quantitatively but qualitatively.

Then you come to an even greater realization: Perhaps he is an artist of a different caliber that you cannot even fathom or imagine.

Furthermore: Is this creator only an artist? Can he even be defined as an artist? What else does his personality contain that is beyond artistry? Is he a father or a mother, for example? And then you realize that this piece of art, despite its beauty, can tell you nothing about the one who created it, except that he is a able to create such art. Not only do you know what type of artist he is, and whether he is even in the category of artists you are familiar with, but you don’t even know if “artist” defines him.

Finally, it dawns upon you, and you come to the awareness, that even saying that he beyond being an artist is limited. Perhaps he is both beyond the beyond being an artist, and at the same time also manifests as an artist.

Now apply this example infinitely times over to our relationship with Relaity — with the Creator of knowledge and all the ashtonishing beauty of our structured existence.

The more you cleanse your doors of perception, the higher you climb in your awareness of the Reaity beyond and beyond, the greater your holy insanity and divine madness grows. Not just a relative madness beyond your usual norms, but a fundamental and absolute madness. As demonstrated by the mad dance of the sages at the weddings they attended (as explained in chapter 5).

So if you thought you were crazy, think again. There is crazy and there is crazy. Do you want to dance, or DO YOU WANT TO DANCE?

But the objective is not to remain above and beyond, but to bring that awareness back into the “sane” and “limited” rational universe.

As we absorb Basi L’Gani — we indeed respond to the call: Come to my Garden — and discover how little our minds know and can contain. As we enter deeper into the garden we arrive at the secret of madness, and the mystery of our innermost souls.

When we access the true nature of our psyches we learn that the common mind touches only outer dimensions of the reality within, and when we travel inward we uncover new vistas, which when tapped, allow us to transform the irrational into the supra-rational, our stubborn foolishness into outrageous holiness, the energy of our irrational behaviors re-channeled into streams of insane goodness. — and the craziness of our impulsive lives into a holy craziness of utter transcendence.

And… to come back and tell the tale.

For an elaborate discussion on this topic, please go here to view Rabbi Jacobson’s latest class.

Tags: transcendence, Yud Shevat, Basi L'Gani, madness
Posted in Soul & Mystical, Months & Holidays, Personal Life, Torah Personalities, Modern, Shvat, Spiritual, Torah, Emotions & Psychology, Rebbe | No Comments »

Faith, Reason, and Predetermined Choice.

January 23rd, 2015

Dear [name redacted],

Let me begin with my feelings of appreciation for your letters (of Feb. 8th, March 8th and June 2nd). I am humbled and touched by your remarks regarding the book Toward A Meaningful Life, which I had the privilege of adapting from my great teacher’s works. Without even entering into a discussion of the presenting issues, the mere fact that this book provoked your thoughtful remarks and opened up a communication between our two “worlds,” is in itself a meaningful achievement.

If I understand you correctly, your struggle lies, in essence, in one all-encompassing dilemma or paradox. Namely: how can I suggest the reconciliation of a deterministic world of nature and the indeterminacy inherent in man’s free will, or in other words: the reconciliation of reason and faith? You see them as mutually exclusive, and even if they are both valid perspectives, they remain separated by an absolute divide.

To allow for a meaningful discussion, I would like to dissect the issues into separate items, which can then be reviewed point by point.

Every discourse needs to assume one or more axioms. In your letter it was unclear to me what points you are ready to accept (or at least concede). So, without assuming anything, allow me to build this from scratch.

Question number one: Do we accept that there are two legitimate and valid realms (albeit, at this point, mutually exclusive ones) – reason and faith, determinacy and indeterminacy (allowing for free will)? I’ll assume that we don’t accept this, thus the need to backtrack:

Do we accept the existence of G-d? And if yes, what type of G-d? You “grant the existence of G-d as a possibility,” but your “own faith is much more mundane, gleaned from admittedly finite experience and lodged finally in the concept of a unified deterministic universe; a universe which, for all practical purposes, operates without intent.” (In your updated version you write: “I believe that that the existence of both G-d and/or chaos are possible, my own faith, when I cannot keep it at bay leans more towards a deterministically unified existence…which operates like a machine”). My question to you then is: what kind of G-d would create a mechanical universe operating without intent? What need is there for G-d and what does a G-d contribute to a universe that functions like a wristwatch? You must be suggesting a G-d-engineer that basically set the wristwatch in motion, a G-d, as you put it, who is at best “a semantic question.”

May I offer another definition of G-d and existence. Our existence does not have to be. It came to be — created by G-d. G-d implies design and purpose. No engineer would create a machine — no matter how organized — for no purpose. Organization is not an end in itself. Design implies not just a systematic machine, but purpose; a raison d’être. We need to understand why the cosmic engineer created this organized, deterministic universe. It is insufficient to say that He created it just in order to demonstrate His grand power of design. G-d created this deterministic universe in order to accomplish some objective. A universe without purpose may as well not have a G-d; G-d then is only semantic.

I believe that you may have a problem with the notion of existence being created by a G-d. You would rather prefer defining existence (the universe) as one with no beginning and end, and G-d being the designer that wound up this wristwatch. However, my definition of G-d includes the possibility that our existence has a beginning — it is just a “tip of the iceberg” of reality, a part of a much greater whole, and this “whole” informs the “part” of its unique design and purpose, its reason for being.

What is G-d’s purpose in creation? That we humans contribute — as partners with G-d — in transforming our lives and the entire universe and reuniting its material side with its spiritual side, creating one integrated universe — as a G-dly place. G-d created grain seeds; humans plant the seeds, harvest the wheat, mix the flour with water and bake bread. We tap the infinite resources G-d instilled in this universe, and actualize their great potential by civilizing and refining the world in which we live.

In order for our lives to have any meaning and significance, we must have the ability to choose (with free will) whether or not to utilize our resources constructively.

You suggest that perhaps the meaning of life is to gain pleasure. However, this leads us back to our understanding of G-d. If G-d would be even half as sophisticated as a great writer, He would have greater intentions in creating a universe than just for pleasure.

But now we must address your question. You write “an inferential analysis of common experience suggests that existence is One (one universe under G-d…). If this is true, then free will is an illusion… for while we obviously can do as we please, we cannot exist apart from the laws of the universe and must be not only guided, but forced by them. That man alone should be granted the reprieve from physical law required by a doctrine of truly free will seems to me ludicrously anthrocentric, appropriate only for a superstitious and primitive people.” So, how do we reconcile the divine design of the universe and free will?

The answer goes back to how we interpret G-d. Is G-d Himself bound by the deterministic laws of the universe that He created? The answer is no. G-d transcends these laws, or better put, G-d could have created entirely different laws or no laws at all. Your questions are valid only in a world of our deterministic logic where everything is governed by deterministic laws and we have no reason to say that man is different. However, this is only from a human perspective that in itself is bound by laws. From G-d’s perspective, which is not bound by any of these laws, there always remains an element of indeterminism, and He chose to infuse a glimmer of this indeterminism into our existence by granting free will to man who G-d created in His own “image.” In other words, an indeterminate G-d (undefined even by the word “indeterminate” and “undefined”) chose to create a deterministic system, and bestow man with free will to transcend the determinism of nature and choose to lift the universe to a higher place than it could ever achieve on its own.

This presents an interesting paradox: since G-d is not bound by any laws and impositions, therefore when He chooses to create a deterministic universe, it become absolutely deterministic; because G-d did not have to do so, once he chooses to do so, the determinism is much more air-tight than if G-d Himself was deterministic and simply acting according to His “nature.” On the other hand, there always remains an element of indeterminism, because even after G-d created the universe, G-d still remains G-d. And this indeterminism is reflected in the universe, in the inherent uncertainty that exists on a quantum level, which is also beginning to be understood by scientists as having effects on our macroscopic universe.

I believe that as scientists discover more of the underlying unity in the universe, they may also come to discover, that the ultimate unity (the so-called “unified field theory”) can only be understood by including the “observer” — mankind — into the equation, and recognizing that this “observer” is no objective “observer” at all, but man’s moral behavior, resulting from exercising his indeterministic free will, has an impact on the universe.

By now you see that the issues you raise are all related to our definition of G-d. For more discussion on my description of G-d (being neither deterministic or indeterminstic) as opposed to other descriptions, please read the chapters “G-d” and “Unity” in Toward A Meaningful Life. I also have tapes of my classes on the topic of free will and determinism, where I discuss this issue at length. Should you be interested in them please contact my office at wisdomreb@meaningfullife.com.

Finally you ask me how did I come to my beliefs? Before I answer that I would like to take note with the final line of your last letter describing me as “Orthodox” and yourself as “Agnostic.” True faith, as I understand and experience it, is not some cop-out or crutch. Faith does not preclude doubts, questions and agnosticism, nor does it deny the paradoxes of life, of reconciling a good G-d with the pain of good people and the prosperity of the wicked, and other such contradictions. Faith is an all-encompassing experience that includes faith in logic, and respects all the realities of our common and empirical experiences. But it does not stop there; it also includes awareness of our sublime experiences, our feelings and intuitions, even our subconscious and beyond (or: within), regardless of whether or not we are comfortable with the consequences.

If you wish, I too can present a compelling argument for agnosticism. After all, G-d created an agnostic universe (as I discuss in the chapter on “G-d”). However my honesty and integrity dictate that I not allow myself to be trapped in my mind. Yes, my mind — as all minds — can explain the impossibility of proving whether or not G-d exists, whether we have free will, or, for that matter, whether we matter at all. But if I want to live life to its fullest, to experience a life that is not just relegated to my mind, and not just locked by my logic, but one that includes my feelings, all my innermost resources, a full-blooming life of love and intimacy, I must include faith in the equation. Not some blind faith in the unknown, but a deep sense of a greater presence, of a higher “It-ness.” Only logic and faith allow us to be most complete — to experience it all, not just part of it.

I have come to my beliefs in many ways. By process of elimination. By intuition. Through logic. And perhaps more than all, through love. That all-embracing feeling that also has no logical explanation, and yet it exists as the most powerful force in life. All these processes have helped eliminate some of the obstacles that obfuscated my inner voice and allowed the natural knowing of my soul to emerge. After taking into account everything I know and feel, I firmly believe that we are all people of faith (read: people who have an intimate relationship with G-d), which becomes increasingly obscured as we grow into “adults” with minds that help us obfuscate our inner voices and become ever more comfortable with the “here and now.”

[Name redacted], let me add this on a personal note. Faith, like any of our resources, needs to continuously be nourished. Indeed, if our bodies continuously need food for sustenance, how much more so does our faith — which can be so elusive — need “food.” The “food” that nourishes faith are the “mitzvot” — living our daily lives and behaving according to the divine laws of the Torah. Putting on tefillin, keeping the Sabbath, eating kosher food, study, prayer and charity. Though we may not fully understand the dynamic, these deeds are all different “vitamins” and “minerals” that feed and nourish our soul, our faith. They instill us with confidence in our inner voice, and allow it to be channeled into our conscious, material, “faithless” life. Faith is a continuous struggle, paralleling and reflecting the struggle of life itself. How often is our faith tested, how often does it waiver? However this struggle is our greatest challenge and gift: Will I rise to the occasion and allow my faith to fill me with passion, to lift me to the greatest heights in impacting this world in a G-dly way, or resign myself — as so many have — to the mediocrity of a meaningless existence, where my greatest passion is in the temporary and the mercurial?

G-d’s question to Adam, “Where are you?” is an eternal question asked of us all. It is a spiritual query not a spatial one: “Where are you” — what are you doing with your life? Where do you stand? Are you recognizable as one created in the Divine image?

I invite your response to this letter and any further dialogue. As you suggest, perhaps our discussion can be of assistance to others as well. Feel free to share these thoughts with anyone you choose.

All the best,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: creation, reconciliation, free choice, faith vs. reason, determinism, free will
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