The Path to Recovery from Childhood Abuse

November 9th, 2015

Dear Rabbi Jacobson,

What do you do when due to the irreversible fact that you have not been given these tools to begin with, you have not been able to build that strong and fortifying inner core needed to provide you with the security and confidence to handle life’s ups and downs????

 Do you turn to Ha-Shem and ask Him why He permitted that you endure abuse to such extent, that it made you grow up completely deprived of these life-saving tools???

 I guess these too are the real questions in life; the kind nobody really has an answer to, right? So far no professional managed to come up with one explanation plausible enough for me to live with! Can you? All I want now is some peace of mind.

 I look forward to hearing from you.

 Thanks for your time.

 [name redacted]

Hi [name redacted],

Thank you for writing and raising perhaps one of the most important issues of our time. asking a question that MUST be asked—especially on behalf of all the suffering souls that are afraid or were never given the opportunity to ask.

I do not want to jump into a technical response without first making the following disclaimers:

1) The abuse you refer to is intensely personal in nature, and must be addressed with the appropriate sensitivity affording you the dignity you deserve. Email is not nearly adequate as a medium to address such a sensitive issue and I would prefer to discuss it in person – face to face, but the question you ask is of profound importance and I don’t want to delay until we can meet.  I will therefore try to share a few thoughts and feelings, as best as I possibly can given the limitations of words as tools and writing as a vehicle.

2) I have not personally endured (thank G-d) the level of abuse that you describe—abuse that I have painfully come to learn has so badly hurt many beautiful souls. I therefore can not truly “put myself in the shoes” of someone who has experienced such agony, nor will I ever be able to truly relate to the associated challenges.

But, I can say — as one Rebbe told a traumatized Chassid who had endured a terrible tragedy: I don’t have answers for you, but I can cry with you…

Your question is one for which we will never have a sufficient answer; nothing we can comprehend could possibly justify “why” terrible things happen to innocent children.

With that being said and my inadequacy acknowledged, what I can share with you are the words of the Torah, what I have heard from spiritual giants who did go through tremendous trauma, and what I have learned from people I have met in the course of my personal journey who have applied Torah’s infinite wisdom to their personal “holocausts” and have come out empowered, becoming more refined in the process.

While nothing could ever explain or justify the abuse of innocent children, this does not mean that they can not learn and develop new tools to rebuild their lives. It is a bedrock fundamental principle in Torah is that G-d gives each person an indispensable soul with a unique mission and provides all the necessary resources to fulfill their personal calling. No matter what obstacles we encounter or what abuse we endure, we do have the resources we need to survive and excel.

There is no such thing as someone that does not have a “strong inner core.” Every one of us has a unique Divine soul, and that can never be taken from us by anyone, including abusive parents—just as it was not given to us by them.  Abuse has the ability to tragically damage and even sever the channels that connect our consciousness to our souls (like nerve pathways that can be damaged or blocked), but even then, the soul remains complete and intact, waiting to be accessed.  Sometimes we are able to clear the blocks, and sometimes we need to create “bypass surgery”, creating new connecting channels.

For someone whose parents did not provide the proper nurturing and validation to encourage the child’s soul to shine with confidence and be armed with the tools to securely face life’s challenges, the only solution is to connect directly to G-d Himself; to realize that “birth is G-d saying that you matter”, and that you have all the necessary resources to awaken this awareness and to actualize it in your life. (Please read this link about an amazing story with a woman who was severely abused and lost her reason to live).

This is the Torah’s premise — the life-affirming message that each of us was created in the Divine Image, and there is no challenge in life that we cannot overcome.

People who have suffered and are hurt, are as “smoldering embers” waiting to burst into a roaring fire.  They have a distinct level of sanctity that places them in a unique relationship with Hashem, affording them opportunities that others simply do not have.  Children deprived of a particular faculty who would commonly be called “handicapped”, are referred to by the Torah as “special children,” because they are uniquely blessed with other faculties, tools and resources to compensate for their lack in that particular area.

The greatest challenge on the road toward recovery from abuse is to feel emotionally that this is true, because after all, the deepest effect of abuse is that it strips away personal dignity and self-confidence, often leaving the victim feeling worthless, aimless, and powerless. For this reason, it is vital to hang on with your very life to the life-line called Torah, to allow it to breathe fresh air into your asphyxiated spiritual lungs, and to reconnect your conscious self  with your majestic soul.  Obviously, all of this is easier said (and typed) than done, and as I mentioned earlier, e-mail is by no means the appropriate medium to fully address such life-defining issues.  My hope is that these words will act as a catalyst that can help begin the process of healing.

To be able to truly overcome the challenges you describe and build new “channels” to access the “inner core,” I urge you to speak with a competent, trustworthy and sensitive Torah spiritual authority or friend (I know that’s a mouthful and hard to find), who can help with objective advice and support.

Here are some more links to articles in which I addressed the issue in further detail. Reeh: Child Abuse, The Talking Donkey.

I hope this is helpful, and I welcome any further discussion on the “topic.”

Please see me as a friend, offering my hand to help in any way I can.

Blessings and best wishes.

Sincerely,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: psychology, soul, abused children, inner self, confidence, purpose, nurture, life tools, abuse
Posted in Abuse, Personal Life, Social, Emotions & Psychology, Pain & Suffering | 2 Comments »

Reclaiming Femininity in Adulthood

November 8th, 2015

Dear Rabbi Jacobson,

I came to your website by chance and was deeply moved by the “Birth is God saying you matter”. Thank you so much for putting this letter on the net. Maybe you will find time to answer my question or to just refer me to an article that tackles this problem.

I read the second broadcast “The battle of the sexes”. Very valuable. Sue and Cindy asked some questions which were too complex to be answered in full. Is there a chance you could mail me your answers? I have exactly the same problem. I know intellectually, that we are equal, but growing up with a dominant father, I grew dominant as well and I would so much like to embrace my female values but that is extremely difficult. Are there any “exercises”?
And I still fear inferior when I hear that a woman cannot become priest or rabbi, although your explanation of a seeing a rabbi as a role is really good. How can I overcome these mental conflicts?

Thanks in advance.

Have a sunny day,

[name redacted]

Dear [name redacted],

Thank you for writing and for your very kind words. Your sincere wish to embrace your femininity moved me deeply.

The difficulty in answering your questions is precisely because — as you write, it is an emotional issue not an intellectual one.

It’s interesting that you were drawn to the words “Birth is God saying that you matter,” because in truth that also lies at the heart of the masculine/feminine issue.

Insecurity is the predominant inhibiting force in many people’s lives. Healthy parents do not impede the growth of their children, and allow them to develop individually as they are supposed to.  When we are nurtured in such an environment, we grow secure and become confident in ourselves and our possibilities, and in the fact that we matter. When we are not allowed that opportunity to develop, we become fearful and insecure, in search of our identity; it affects our entire life, and particularly our relationships. Unfortunately, you grew up surrounded by a dominant father who overshadowed you and hindered the development of your individual identity.

Having already grown into an independent adult how does one reverse the process? How can you reclaim that which was taken from you?

The first step is awareness. It is important to develop an awareness of the symptoms as opposed to focusing on what caused them, cultivating a conscious mindfulness of your identity.  “I am truly a woman and want to get beyond any superimposed masculine characteristics.”  The second step is making friends with positive role models; developing relationships with women who are secure and confident in their femininity. Being around such people can have a very powerful effect.

So, that’s the first exercise I would suggest. Find a female friend/mentor that you can trust and interact with. If you tell me where you live, I may be able to recommend someone.

An additional ‘exercise’ that you can do individually is to study and empower yourself with a personal understanding of the feminine and masculine energies within us.  As you learn you will notice that certain truths resonate, and that resonance will make it easier for you to embrace your true feelings and to act upon them.  There are also behavioral activities that you should begin implementing even before you start to feel the resonance, but in order for me to make more specific suggestions I need to hear more about you, because the issue is highly personal and cannot be addressed with general platitudes.

If you feel comfortable sharing more about yourself and your life situation, religious attitudes etc. I would be happy to offer more suggestions.

Regarding studying more about the female/male identity, I would strongly suggest that you listen to a series of classes that I gave in this topic. To obtain the recordings, please contact my office at this e-mail address or via phone, 718-774-6448.

This issue is a very difficult one to address in writing because it touches upon your essential personality and deep rooted attitudes that go back to childhood, but I hope that what I wrote serves as a helpful beginning to assist you in your journey toward discovering and actualizing your true self in the fullest way possible.

Thank you again for writing, and please let me know your thoughts and feelings.

Blessings and best wishes,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: gender roles, parenting, personal growth, insecurity, individuality, gender identity
Posted in Personal Life, Home & Family, Women & Men, Social | No Comments »

Standards of Expectation

November 8th, 2015

Rabbi Jacobson,

I have just finished reading Toward a Meaningful Life, a brilliantly-written book of tremendous timeless wisdom.  I am a 27-year old secular, “Conservative” Jew engaged to be married in October.  I attended the University of Maryland and was a regular in the Orthodox minyan on Shabbat, though my observance has steadily waned over the past six years.  Nevertheless, I still have that “spark” and hope to find a prominent place for G-d and Judaism in my life.

 My question concerns the expectations that G-d has for each of us.  It stands to reason that in His Divine Plan, G-d allocated certain roles to certain people. For example, the expectation of the eldest son in a family of rabbis is to someday become a great rabbi. The bar of expectation seems to be higher for this person than, say, the son of a railroad worker with no formal education. 

 Surely, in G-d’s plan—if our lives are not pre-ordained and we are granted free will—there is a reason that Jewish children are born to secular, or even Jewishly-disconnected, parents.  Therefore, what do you believe are G-d’s expectations for a person born in such a situation? Simply to make some effort? To have a complete spiritual awakening and to change his life completely?

 I am sure there are more pressing issues than my question, however if you could spare a few moments of thought to help me I would be most appreciative.  Thank you very much.

 Best regards,

[name redacted]

Dear [name redacted],

First of all, thank you for your kind words about my book Toward A Meaningful Life. It is indeed gratifying to hear that these teachings have touched you as they have touched me.

Your question about G-d’s expectations of us raises a very complex issue, and I will address it with a metaphor.

A team of diamond miners was sent on a mission deep beneath the ground to extract diamonds. Each miner was designated a different area or cave, some descending into deeper caves than others. Of course, the deeper the cave the more risk involved, but with the increased risk came the potential for the greatest return: discovering the most precious stones.

Each miner on the team excavated diligently unaware of the activities of his fellow miners digging in other separate caves, and occasionally the miners would come out of their respective caves and meet at some junction. Though they shared a common job description, each had a unique personality and unique challenges, and those coming out from deeper caves were covered in more layers of dust and less recognizable to their peers. Then there were those miners that were sent so deep that they rarely came up. When their peers would come down for a visit to see what they were finding in the fertile depths of the earth, they found them so covered in dust that they were completely unrecognizable.

It was these— the most heavily dust covered, unrecognizable—miners that held the keys to the most precious discoveries. Early on in the mission the more superficial caves were explored, and after all the stones in the outer layers of the earth were uncovered the miners were sent deeper and deeper into the earth, where the darkness, the dust, and the challenges were far greater, as were the treasures that were to be found.

When the miners that were sent out early into the superficial caves met the miners deep beneath the ground unrecognizable and completely covered in dust they rejoiced, for it was specifically they that uncovered the greatest treasures.

This tale of the miners is an analogy for our lives. We—all human beings from the beginning of time—are sent on a mission into this material world to excavate it, to discover and unearth the divine “sparks” that lie beneath the surface of existence. In earlier generations, the “sparks” at the outer layers were uncovered, and as the mission progressed, each successive generation was charged with traveling deeper into the material and to uncover greater “sparks.” Our highly assimilated generation—with unprecedented levels of intermarriage, and when “Jewish children are born to secular, or even Jewishly-disconnected, parents” (as you write)—are the “miners” sent to the (spiritually) deepest recesses of the universe to uncover the greatest, most precious “sparks” of them all.

People today may be born to intermarried couples devoid of any affiliation to Jewish tradition, completely covered in dust and barely recognizable as Jews; all complements of G-d’s choice, not their own. We may never understand why some Jews are born into traditional and spiritual homes and others into assimilated and unaffiliated ones, just as we may never understand why some children are born to healthy loving parents and others to abusive ones. However it is absolutely clear that wherever each and every child is sent there is a purpose, and that purpose is for him/her to discover the “sparks” in his/her environment. The unrecognizable miners remind us that the child born into an assimilated home can uncover the greatest “sparks.”

It is neither our job, nor our right right to judge anyone for their given situation—which is divinely ordained. What is our job, is to do everything possible to make people aware of their purpose and mission and to encourage them to discover the “sparks” in their lives. Their destiny is between them and G-d. We are not in as position to measure how much they do—only G-d know show much effort they are investing and the personal progress they are making.

Each of us must use all our resources and presenting opportunities to be the best we can be and to realize our greatest potential. Particularly for individuals who grew up religiously unaffiliated, the yard-stick is not how much one does, but how much effort they invest. The most important thing is the direction and the current. Even if our earlier years did not allow us the opportunity to access our Judaism—for instance, when the time comes and Judaism offers us spiritual inspiration, it is our responsibility and blessing to fully exploit our newfound interest, and to inquire, become informed, and grow—each person at his/her own pace. Some may suffice with making the best effort possible under the circumstances, others may respond with a complete epiphany and life change.

In addition, we must remember that we are all “miners” of the same world.  We are all part of one team and we need and complement each other. Indeed, our generation is linked in an unbroken chain to generations before us, and all the good deeds and mitzvahs of our parents and ancestors are accumulative, meaning that we may come to finish gathering the remaining “last sparks” after all the less deeply hidden sparks were gathered in generations past. We are like midgets standing on the shoulders of giants. When we stand and connect to the giants (and their deeds) who preced us, we can see farther than they, precisely because we stand on their shoulders.

Obviously, this is an intricate and complicated issue, which needs to be addressed case by case. However, I hope that my brief comments will help clarify some of the issues.

I encourage you to share the wisdom and inspiration you have received from the words in Toward A Meaningful Life with others. Like a flame, we each have the power and the responsibility to light another flame and yet another, forever and ever, with the knowledge we acquire. This responsibility is underscored more than ever in these challenging times. The world is searching—never have people been so thirsty for knowledge or so receptive to spirituality—and we are all partners in this effort.

If you would be so kind as to send me your mailing address, I will have my office send you some information about other materials we offer which I hope can be of help to you on your spiritual journey. If I can be of any further assistance, please don’t hesitate to call.

Blessings and best wishes,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: purpose of life, sparks, elevate, assimilation, intermarriage, expectations
Posted in Soul & Mystical, Religion, Spiritual | No Comments »

The Soul of Religious Bigotry

November 8th, 2015

Dear Simon,

Why is it that the more religious / observant many Jewish people become, the more bigoted they become? I grew up in Johannesburg, South Africa where the orthodox Jewish community was shameful in its treatment of black people and generally in its attitudes towards them. It exposed an unacceptable face of religion which has made me skeptical to this day. I see similar attitudes in the orthodox Jews of London and New York. If religion is about making people so narrow, it makes we want no part of it. I know you will say “we have to distinguish between the system and the people”, but I think the problem cannot so easily be brushed aside. For me it raises a number of problematic questions, such as: Is the system being taught/ interpreted in such a way as to produce bigoted and racist Jews? Are the majority of the Jews who are attracted to the orthodox way of life conservative in their outlook in the first place and so bring all this “baggage” with them?

 [name redacted]

Dear [name redacted],

I know this is not what you want to hear, but hard as it may seem, we must distinguish between the system and the people. The bigotry you speak of is an unfortunate result of a globally perceived dichotomy between G-d and the universe, and between the soul and the body. It is because the world collectively separates between our existence and its purpose, between our inner selves and our outer selves, between who we (really) are and what we do.

I should also add, that distorted “religion” can — in a perverse way — cause one to become more corrupt and bigoted than a faithless person, when the “religion” is utilized to subjectively justify one’s behavior and to allow one to feel that G-d is condoning and even encouraging bigotry. No greater distortion is possible in my eyes, and it is the sad result of a soulless “religion” that has become relegated to a technical, dogmatic bureaucracy, rather than a G-dly, divine and sacred experience.

There is however a light at the end of the tunnel, because this isn’t merely a tragic end in itself. When we recognize this dichotomy and schism for what it is, we have the opportunity to begin the healing process through unconditional love. This is the challenge of our times. For those of us that can see it — and clearly you see it with your sensitivity to the bigotry — we must deal not only with the symptoms but also with the causes. We must get to the root of the issue by reintroducing a spirit of soul — and the resulting unconditional love — into our society.

Now, your challenge is to not remain angry or bitter and skeptical; we must do something constructive with this recognition of the tragedy of so much bigotry even amongst our brethren. We only have a limited number of years to live and would be a crying shame to live them in skepticism and filled with negative feelings that just perpetuate resignation. We must generate positive energy, by taking strong and productive measures to introduce a sense of purpose and spiritual focus in our lives.

This is the only approach — the only positive way I know of to channel disappointment in the people we know and expect more from. We can either remain detached and skeptical, which is really a form of “victimization,” or we can take the initiative — take the bull by the horns — and make a change. Let us not be intimidated by the number of people who we see clouded by bigotry and racism. Each one of us can make a difference and change the tide, and especially when we join together.

You may want to check out the transcript of my last radio show on racism on the Meaningful Life Center’s website, you can find it by clicking on this link.

I welcome all your continuing questions, and look forward to seeing you at the next class.

Simon

Tags: religion, racism, matter and spirit, soul, body and soul, bigotry
Posted in Religion, Personal Life, Social, Spiritual, Emotions & Psychology, Racism | No Comments »

Separating the Sexes

November 7th, 2015

Hi,

This might be a blunt question but I have never heard a good enough answer that explains why ultra-orthodox Jewish boys and girls can’t speak to each other. Other religious people are allowed to go to mix schools and are still orthodox. So is this an ultra-orthodox made thing? And if someone doesn’t keep to this way does that make them less orthodox? If it is wrong how could rabbis allow people to go to mixed schoools?? I am really confused.

Although I have heard the same answers many times I am not satisfied because I still am not able to understand it myself.

An answer would be appreciated

Thanx,

[teenage girl – name redacted]

Dear [name redacted],

Before I address the issue you raise, I would like to preface it with a thought. Often, questions have intellectual answers that are rational and reasonable, but if we are asking a question emotionally, then what really needs to be addressed are our feelings, and they may not be satisfied by the intellectual answer.

So, let me ask you something first: are you asking this question theoretically, because you just want to know, or do you ask because you have an interest in speaking to a particular boy, or to boys in general?

You see, the way G-d created us, it is perfectly natural and healthy for boys and girls to be attracted to each other. There is nothing wrong with that. However, precisely because of this attraction, the Torah way has been to encourage separate education of boys and girls, and a minimum contact to allow for each individual boy and girl to concentrate fully on their education and personal growth, until the time when he or she is ready to begin dating and appreciating romance.

Look, the fact is — and let’s be blunt about it — in co-ed schools a big part of life is the boys pursuing the girls and vice versa. In today’s open society this often leads to more than just pursuit, and unfortunately  you do not need to take my word for it.

I have friends who tell me how difficult it is for them to find an appropriate spouse because they were introduced to dating too early, before they were mature enough to appreciate what a relationship really is. Even if your relationship is just friendly, a friendship with a boy — even a casual one — can escalate very easily without either of you even realizing it, and become something altogether different that neither of you ever intended. And not necessarily because of you. It could be that the boy has feelings toward you possibly without even realizing it, and it can happen simply as a result of human nature.

As I said, this is an answer for the mind. The fact that we know something in our mind doesn’t mean that it is easy for our feelings to accept. That is why we believe in the Torah that is time tested over the generations as the healthiest approach to education and to the personal growth and development — including sexual development. The fact that some yeshivas are co-ed is their issue and I do not need to justify them. I believe that those schools are the way they are as a result of being influenced by secular culture, because from the beginning of time that was never how yeshivas were run.

On a personal note, I want to add that I don’t know how you got my e-mail address, but everything is divine providence. I do not know who you are but I still feel for you and am sensitive to your question and feelings and I am honored by your confidence in writing to me. You may not have anyone with whom to discuss an issue like this, but I would personally encourage you to do your best to find a wise person you can trust and discuss this issue (and any other you may have) with them in person. If you can’t find such a person, feel free to write to me and I will try to be of any help I can, but it is important for your own good to have a personal friend that can be there with you working through any questions you may have.

Be well, and do not hesitate to write again,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: youth, gender segregation, relationships, teenagers
Posted in Personal Life, Social, Women & Men, Sexuality, Emotions & Psychology | No Comments »

Chayei Sarah: Ishmael – How Does it End?

November 6th, 2015

Ishmael did teshuvah (Rashi Chayei Sarah, Genesis 25:9)

They [Ishmael’s descendants] overran all their brethren (25:18)

On the face of all his brethren he will dwell (16:12)

On the face of all his brethren he fell (25:18)

While Abraham was alive he [Ishmael] dwelled; after Abraham’s death he fell (Rashi)

‘On the face of all his brethren he fell’ is followed immediately by ‘and these are the children of Isaac,’ to teach us that the son of David, who stems from the children of Isaac will sprout when Ishmael will fall at the end of days, then will sprout the son of David, who stems from the children of Isaac (Baal HaTurim end of Chayei Sarah)

He [Ishmael] will be a wild man. His hand will be against everyone, and everyone’s hand will be against him (Genesis 16:12)

Abraham 1948-2123
Ishmael 2034-2171
Isaac 2048-2228
Jacob 2108-2255

And so the story continues…

Following the events of Abraham and Sarah’s lives – the birth of Isaac, the expulsion of Ishmael at Sarah’s behest, Abraham offering Isaac to G-d (the Akeidah) – this week’s Torah portion (Chayei Sarah) brings this chapter of history to a close.

Sarah passes away at the age of 127 and is buried in the Machpeilah Cave in Hebron, which Abraham purchases from Ephron. Abraham sends his servant Eliezer to find a bride for his son Isaac. Eliezer returns with Rebecca and she marries Isaac. Abraham passes away at the age of 175, and is buried beside Sarah by both his sons, Isaac and Ishmael.

The portion concludes with the chronicles of Ishmael. It delineates his twelve children, who become twelve princes that establish the Arabian nations. Ishmael dies at the age of 137.

The final verse of this week’s portion is: “[Ishmael’s descendants] lived in the area from Havilah to Shur, which borders on Egypt, all the way to Assyria. They overran all their brethren.”

Thus ends the story of Ishmael son of Abraham. In each of the last three Torah portions Ishmael plays a prominent role: in Lech Lecho Ishmael is born, with the promise to Abraham that he would be a great nation. In Vayeira, Sarah insists that Abraham send him away. Finally in Chayei Sarah, his life ends and his progeny documented.

Interesting to note that the concluding chapter of Ishmael is included in the portion called Chayei Sarah, the life of Sarah. Sarah was not Ishmael’s mother; indeed, she actually caused Ishmael to be banished from Abraham’s home. Why then would the Torah place Ishmael’s final legacy in the chapter titled “the life of Sarah”?!

Was Ishmael a Tzaddik?

Rashi, the great classical Torah commentator, tells us that Ishmael did teshuvah (repented) before Abraham passed away.[1] Indeed, the expression “vayigveh” (he breathed his last) used to describe the death of Ishmael, is only used in regard to tzaddikim.[2] Some commentaries explain that through his teshuvah he transformed all his sins into virtues, thus his entire life was ultimately redeemed.[3]

Abraham felt that the best way to influence Ishmael was through love and kindness. However G-d tells Abraham that he should defer to Sarah and send Ishmael away. Because chesed (love) that is not balanced with gevurah (discipline) can ultimately turn destructive. Rain without discipline will flood the fields; rain must fall in drops so that the earth can absorb the moisture.

Ishmael “will be a wild man.” He inherited the passionate faith of Abraham. However passion must be tempered and channeled with gevurah lest it consume others, “his hand will be against everyone.” As it turns out (at the end of today’s Parsha), that Ishmael’s descendants “overran all their brethren,” “at the end of days the children of Ishmael will initiate wars in the world.”[4]

Thus G-d tells Abraham to heed Sarah’s gevurah approach, to send Ishmael away. This was not meant to destroy Ishmael, rather by banishing him he will become a great nation, as G-d promises Abraham. Ishmael cannot live in the same home with Isaac. Only with the appropriate measure of discipline can Ishmael grow. On the face of all his brethren he fell – Ishmael did teshuvah and was humbled (‘fell’), and that elevates him (his tikkun).[5]

Ishmael’s teshuvah and the summation of Ishmael’s life is therefore specifically placed in the portion of Chayei Sarah: Sarah’s life and influence, particularly in regard to disciplining Ishmael, was instrumental in Ishmael’s return to Abraham’s faith.[6]

The conclusion of Sarah’s life (the end of Parshat Chayei Sarah), the climax of her achievements, is her impact on Ishmael: Sarah’s gevurah approach causes that ‘on the face of all his brethren he fell.’ And from Ishmael’s fall at the end of days will sprout Moshiach, who stems from the ‘children of Isaac.’

Thus concludes the story of Ishmael son of Abraham – a story of aggression, banishment, but also a story that concludes with hope and redemption.

*

Our hearts, condolences and prayers go out to all thoise that have suffered recent losses, and to all our brethren in Israel. .

WHAT IS THE MOST POWERFUL THING YOU CAN DO TO HELP THE SITUATION IN ISRAEL?

Create a passionate spiritual revolution for the good.

As passions of violence have been released on us, against humanity, our most powerful response is to counter with a passionate revolution of purpose, with no less passion and drive than the evil being waged against us.

Please see War in Israel: What We Must Do for a list of practical suggestions.

For an elaborate related discussion on this topic, please go here to view Rabbi Jacobson’s latest class: The Mysterious City of Chevron.

Tags: teshuvah, Islamism, chesed, gevurah, teshuva, Hebron
Posted in Biblical, Weekly Parsha, Bereishit, Abraham, Sarah, Torah Personalities, Ishmael, Chayei Sarah, Torah | 1 Comment »

Respectful Honesty, Even When it Hurts

November 3rd, 2015

Dear Rabbi Jacobson,

 There is a particular statement in Torah which bothers me somewhat and I hope you can clarify it for me.

The Talmud says that the blind, the poor, and the childless as considered as dead.  I happen to be childless and find this statement very hurtful.

 My question actually applies equally to the other conditions that thank G-d are not relevant to me in particular, although childlessness is obviously hits closer to home for me. It seems to be quite insensitive, but I know that this would not be consistent with the character of the Torah, and there must be more to it. I hope you will be able to clarify this for me.

 Thanks,

 [name redacted]

Dear [name redacted],

I appreciate your writing and am humbled by your confidence in me, writing about such a sensitive issue. Before getting to the academic response to your question, I want to express the pain I feel hearing about your predicament.  My heart goes out to you, and I extend all my blessings for happiness — whether it be through having a child (if G-d so wishes) and/or in other ways.

I will answer your question by first prefacing that the Torah — which is a Torah of love and compassion — does not speak in derogatory terms about anyone or anything (indeed, Torah is so sensitive that it does not even describe an impure animal with a negative adjective and describes it as the “animal that is not pure”). You are right when you say that that the Torah’s description of certain types of people as “considered dead” is obviously not simply there to be derogatory or hurtful.

While the Torah is the ultimate example of sensitivity and compassion, it is also the quintessential teacher of all that we need to know in order to navigate life. When addressing things that are important for practical purposes, the Torah does not mince its words, and expresses things in the way that they need to be expressed in order to makes things as clear as necessary. The Zohar teaches that the Torah is the blueprint for the creation of the universe and for human life, and as the divine blueprint for life, the Torah defines life in a way that can help us understand all our experiences — both joyous and painful — and learn to grow through them. The statement you are asking about can help us understand experiences and states of being, and empower us with the knowledge we need to be able to grow through them.

Whenever you discuss something with someone that you truly love and care about, you want to be able to trust that s/he is not being condescending or patronizing. That s/he tells you — with compassion and sensitivity — the way things are, and does not distort reality in order to make you feel good. This direct honesty is called respect.

Describing certain people as “considered dead” is not an insult. It is the Torah living up to its standard as Toras chesed and Toras emes (Torah of love and truth) telling us that a person who is in this situation (poor, blind, childless, or a leper) is lacking something that is as important as life itself. It teaches us that having a child gives one life, and the opposite deprives us of life, to the point that being childless is like a form of death.

This explains how Rachel felt when she said to Jacob “Give me children. If not let me die.” And this is from where the Talmud (Nedarim 64b) derives that a childless person is “considered dead.”

The Talmud is telling us that if you or someone you know is in one of these situations, that person is “considered dead,” so that we should  both pray for the person and beseech G-d for compassion and blessings (Tosfos Nedarim ibid), and not go into denial — minimizing the pain of the situation, or become complacent. The Torah emphasizes how important it is that we always challenge G-d and demand that He bless the person so that they can get out of that state.

Even in the event that one remains in that state (G-d forbid), we must see it as a challenge to grow and become greater than we already are. “Death” is at times used in Torah to describe a state of shedding one layer in order to assume another that is far superior and incompatible with the previous layer which had to be shed. “One who descends a level is called dead.” As explained in the Chinuch Kattan by the Alter Rebbe in Tanya, before ascending to a higher level the previous level has to ‘die.’ Death, therefore also describes a progressive transition from one state/stage to another.

Torah clearly sees children as a blessing, but by no means does this mean that a childless person is in any way lesser or second class. On the contrary, every challenge in life also gives us strengths that we would not have without the challenge, and the people with the most difficult challenges are always the ones that have the greatest powers.

I have been honored to know people — before whom I stand in awe — who have transformed their liabilities to unbelievable assets and strengths. They used the “death” they experienced to give birth to life beyond what others — without facing their challenges — could achieve.

Incidentally, the Zohar explains that even if a child is not born out of the union between husband and wife, a spiritual child is always born. If one merits, the child will also manifest physically. The fact that every act of intimacy within marriage generates a new soul, lends a new perspective on the significance of intimacy for couples who are unable or beyond the age to have children.

I hope this is helpful. And I extend all my blessings and best wishes to you.

Warmest wishes,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: pragmatism, sensitivity, childlessness, childless, children, Torah
Posted in Faith, Beliefs & Concepts, Personal Life, Home & Family, Torah, Pain & Suffering | No Comments »

Taking Experiences Personally

October 31st, 2015

Dear Rabbi Jacobson,

A friend and I are studying your book “A Spiritual Guide to The Counting of the Omer” which we are finding to be tremendously powerful, thank you!

On day 41 you mention “bond with . . . experiences” and we found it difficult to understand. Would you mind to explain what you mean by ‘bonding with an experience’? 

Thank you kindly,

[name redacted]

Dear [name redacted],

Thank you for your feedback about the book, I am happy to hear that you and your friend are finding it helpful.

In response to your question; bonding is an act of becoming intimately connected.

Every event in our lives can be experienced either superficially or intimately. Divine providence dictates that in truth nothing is circumstantial, and every event in our lives is a deliberately calculated opportunity to increase our connection to G-d. When we live life with this perspective, every event is something that we can bond with, forming a meaningful and intimate personal connection with each opportunity to become united with G-d.
Picture a farbrengen (Chassidic fraternal gathering) for example. When we gather together in a show of love and unity, it is a deeply personal experience, and we bond with the event as we do with the people with whom we are sharing company. A breathtaking sunrise, a spectacular sunset, the birth of a child, are all events with an inherent awe-inspiring power that is almost tangible, and we are naturally drawn to take such events personally, bonding with them and making them an intimate part of our lives.

While many — probably most — of the events in our lives do not lend themselves to being taken so personally so easily, each and every one is a deliberate element in our individual purpose and in the collective purpose of the universe. When we keep this in mind, we can bond with everything that happens in our lives, because it is all quite personal.

I hope this helps clarify things.

Blessings and best wishes,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: bonding, mindfulness, experience, personal growth, connection, meaning
Posted in Personal Life, Emotions & Psychology | No Comments »

The Value of Beauty

October 31st, 2015

Rabbi Jacobson,

I listened to your tapes and I liked them. One question that I would appreciate if you could address is: “Why did G-d make women so beautiful to men?”

Why should such a trivial and silly thing determine whether someone should marry that person? The Talmud forbids one to marry one who is not attractive to them.

But why did G-d make it so that looks should play such an important part in the life of a man? Is visuality holy and man corrupted it and that is why they are punished, or is it that this sense is bad like king Solomon said that beauty is false and charm deceptive but a woman  who fears………. ?

[name redacted] 

Dear [name redacted],

Everything in this physical world evolves from the spiritual counterpart that is its origin. Harmony in the physical world is a manifestation of spiritual harmony and the same is true of love and beauty.

It is for this reason that the Torah puts an emphasis on performing mitzvot in a beautiful way — “zeh E-li v’anveihu — This is my God and I will beautify Him [Exodus 15:2]”, because even though physical beauty on its own is superficial, when we recognize that it is an extension and manifestation of spiritual beauty, it carries great power. Indeed, the purpose of creation is that we express inner beauty outwardly; that we integrate the inner and outer parallel dimensions into one seamless whole, so that true inner beauty doesn’t remain locked inside, but is expressed outwardly in the domain of the material. The outer should not be severed from the inner, but rather reflect it.

Judaism bridges the gap between the soul and its outward material expression. The ultimate expression is when we serve G-d in a way that is beautiful and appealing, attractive even on the external level, so that we sanctify the physical world and recognize the beauty of G-dliness even visually.

Asking “why did G-d make it so that looks should play such an important part in the life of a man” is essentially asking why G-d created a physical universe where we measure things and base our value on our sensory tools, sound, sight, taste, touch and smell. The answer is that that is the challenge of life. The entire purpose of creation is that we should “make a home for G-d in the lowliest of worlds,” by sanctifying the external, sensory, visual world by making it one with G-dliness.

The same holds true regarding the beauty of women. Mystical texts explain that the beauty of a woman is the result of the root of her soul.  Feminine energy originates in the spiritual realm of “Malchut” (queen) which is connected with “Kesser” (the supernal crown), hence the power of the woman’s beauty

Indeed, the verse you cite, “Charm is deceptive and beauty is naught, a G-d fearing woman is to be praised. [Proverb 31,30]” is explained this way: charm and beauty are deceptive and naught when they are seen as an end unto themselves. But when one is G-d fearing and G-dliness permeates the charm and beauty, then they become sacred, and couldn’t be further from naught.

I hope this was helpful.

Blessings and best wishes,

Simon Jacobson

Can I ask why the spelling for ‘demon’ and the spelling for a woman’s breast are the same in Hebrew? Is this anything to be concerned about?

 [name redacted]

While an unhealthy attitude or obsession to sexuality is demonic, healthy sexuality is sacred. Hence the connection also with the Divine name “Sha-ddai.”

I hope this was helpful.

Simon Jacobson.

Rabbi Jacobson,

King Solomon says to intoxicate yourself with the breasts of your wife’s youth.  Are you allowed to forego having kids if you are not ready for them, but at the same time wish to get married to avoid being pulled into sin?

What do you do if beauty is so important to you, and your wife will lose beauty by being pregnant? Why did G-d make it so that physical beauty is diminished with time and through pregnancy? I know that it is obviously not such an important component, but unfortunately beauty is very important to men. I wish that man was blind to looks, but that is not the case.

Dear [name redacted],

As I wrote to you in my previous letter, sexuality and more generally, human beauty, can be directed and channeled to the divine, or they can be abused and be — G-d forbid — destructive.

Beauty and sexuality are divine instruments — G-dly energy, which is why they have so much power. When we channel them in a healthy way, they can change worlds and lift a person to the greatest heights. Conversely, when not appreciated for its true value, this same energy can completely consume and destroy a person, lowering him/her to the depths of misery.

It is a great blessing to be able to see beauty. We need to be wise and see the inner soul of beauty — a reflection of divine harmony. As the verse states: “Deceptive is charm and naught is beauty, a G-d fearing woman — she should be praised. [Proverbs 31:30]” We must realize that the true value of a woman’s outer beauty is only when it is a reflection and expression of her inner beauty and dignity. This also makes the beauty eternal, not transient and temporary — subject to the changes of age and other factors.

When you have the balance between inner and outer beauty, then you can recognize the beauty in your wife both when she is pregnant and once she has borne children.

Yes, you should do everything possible to find a woman who is beautiful — both physically and spiritually — to marry. Once you marry someone you love, you and her will work out the issue of children.  And remember, G-d will send you the appropriate person when you are ready for her.

May G-d bless you with the wisdom to appreciate both inner and outer beauty. You can help the process along by studying about spiritual beauty, which will make you more sensitive to it, helping you to find your soul mate and recognize the beauty and great blessing of transcendent, eternal love, and the beauty of a relationship that perpetuates itself through the bearing of fruit — an eternal love that is manifested and perpetuated through children. And children who will one day have their own children, that will continue your legacy for generations to come.

Blessings and best wishes for a joyous year,

Simon Jacobson

P.S. For more on the topic of beauty and sexuality, you can read the chapter on Intimacy in my book, Toward A Meaningful Life.

If you don’t have a copy of the book, you can obtain it in any bookstore, at amazon.com, or if you like you can also order it from the Meaningful Life Center online store.

So can I ask, if a woman is not attractive or has flaws, does that mean she is spiritually impure or ugly?

Aren’t there so many women who are so ugly on the inside yet so beautiful on the outside?

Then why are we so attracted to false beauty?

[Name redacted],

No, you cannot say that a woman who is not pretty is spiritually impure, just as you can’t say that the fact that a woman is physically beautiful means that she is spiritually pure. Every person has spiritual purity by virtue of their soul which is essentially pure, and it is up to each of us to recognize that purity within ourselves and allow it to shine through to the physical level. We each have free will to choose whether to be superficial and surface oriented, or to look a little deeper, and not judge based merely on externals. A physically beautiful person can choose to be unrefined, and a not so pretty person can choose to be very refined within.

For reasons often unknown to us, sometimes in this imperfect and distorted world it is possible that there be an inconsistency between inner and outer beauty. G-d in His mysterious ways can allow a situation where the outer does not reflect the inner beauty, and the challenge that behooves us is to look beyond the surface to what lies inside, not being influenced only by the external.  A handicapped or otherwise challenged person has inner strengths and beauty that we must recognize and bring to the surface.

Indeed, this is the purpose of creation: to recognize and reveal G-dliness and holiness even in an imperfect world. G-d deliberately took our souls from a pure spiritual environment where there was no inconsistency, no dichotomy between the inner and the outer, and where inner and outer beauty were a seamless continuum, and placed us into a world where there is this dichotomy. He did this in order for us to bridge the gap. We must not allow ourselves to be deceived by the allure of the external, but discover the beauty within and then allow it to shine outward until we create a world where the outer reflects the inner.

This is why we are challenged with a world that can distract us, and we are commanded (as we say in the Shema): “do not stray after your hearts and your eyes” [Num. 15:39].

I hope this dialogue has brought you some degree of clarity.

Sincerely,

Simon Jacobson

Tags: spiritual and material, attraction, marriage, intimacy, perspective, body and soul
Posted in Personal Life, Love & Marriage, Social, Women & Men, Sexuality | No Comments »

Vayeira: How to Treat Infidels

October 30th, 2015

Abraham was very troubled over his son [Ishmael] – Genesis 21:11

Why is he called Ishmael? Because in the future G-d will listen to the cry of the nation for what the children of Ishmael will do in the future, at the end of days… as it says (Psalms 55:20) ‘G-d will listen and answer’ (Midrash Pirkei d’Rabbi Eliezer ch. 32. Yalkut Mechiri Psalms 177)

The continuing saga of Abraham, Sarah, Ishmael and Isaac in this week’s Torah chapter reflects the ongoing events of our times, and provides us with clarity and direction as we face the volatile winds blowing in the plains of thr Middle East.

In this week’s portion Isaac is born. Later, when Isaac’s mother Sarah sees Ishmael’s behavior she insists that Abraham send him away from their home. Abraham is very troubled by the prospect of sending his son away but G-d tells Abraham to not be distressed.

“Do everything that Sarah tells you,” send away your son, “I will make him into a nation for he is your son.”

The chapter details Ishmael and Hagar’s exile and how G-d hears their prayer and promises Hagar: “do not be afraid…I will make of him a great nation.” The Torah relates that “G-d was with the boy. He grew and lived in the desert, where he became an expert archer.” Ishmael finally settles in the Paran Desert and marries a woman from Egypt.

Many contemporary lessons can be derived from this story. I would strongly suggest that we all read these chapters very closely, as they can help open up for us some of the mysteries shrouding today’s events.

Interestingly the section about Isaac’s birth and Ishmael’s exile is read in its entirety on the first day of Rosh Hashanah. This clearly demonstrates the centrality of the story, not just the birth of Isaac but also Ishmael’s journey and G-d’s promise to him.

Allow me to share some thoughts that come to mind upon reading this Torah portion.

Abraham, the man of absolute faith, passes on his passionate faith and commitment to G-d to his children, Ishmael and Isaac – the respective fathers of the Arab/Muslim world and the Jewish nation. [The legacy will later be passed on to Isaac’s children, Jacob, father of the Jewish people and Esau, father of the Western/Roman/Christian world (Edom)].

The evolution of religion and all its manifestations and distortions can be traced back to Abraham’s passionate faith and what he taught his children, and what they did or did not do with these teachings.

The greatest challenge facing religious faith is how to coexist with people of other beliefs without compromising yourself or others. How do you balance your own absolute beliefs with compassion for those that may not share your beliefs? Do you destroy those that have no faith or are of another faith? Do you tolerate them?

History is fraught with religious battles that were harsher than any others ever fought. More people were probably killed in the name of faith than in any other way. Up until the middle of the second millennium the Church dominated and imposed its beliefs on the masses. The Crusades and the Inquisition are some of the most infamous examples of ‘holy wars’ fought in the name of God.

What did Abraham teach his children about faith and coexistence?

In this week’s Torah portion G-d informs Abraham that He is going to destroy the wicked city of Sodom. What does Abraham do? He beseeches G-d not to destroy them lest innocent people be killed together with the wicked. G-d tells Abraham that if he can find 50 innocent people in the city He will spare the entire city. Abraham continues to negotiate: what about if there are 45 innocent people. G-d agrees not to destroy them for the sake of the 45. What about, 40, 30, 20, 10? In each case G-d agrees not to destroy them for the sake of the few innocent. Abraham gets it down to 10 people. And then realizing that there are no innocent people in Sodom, Abraham finally relents.

Why did Abraham not take an approach that those that defy G-d need to be destroyed? After all, Abraham was not complacent about G-d. He paid heavy prices for his faith and beliefs. He dedicated his life for it and was ready to die for G-d. Why did he take upon himself the cause of saving Sodom? Because Abraham’s faith was not about himself, it was about G-d. All people are G-d’s children and Abraham could not tolerate the death of any of G-d’s creatures. When you love G-d, you love what your beloved loves, and G-d loves his creations.

Abraham was committed to G-d, and this commitment meant that he was committed to G-d’s children – to educate and inspire them to follow G-d’s law. And when someone was corrupt, Abraham taught him with compassion how to repair his ways.

Faith in G-d is faith in the human race created in the Image of G-d. Faith in the human spirit. Faith in G-d is about repair and transformation, not about destruction.

True, the end result was that Sodom had no redeeming factor and was so corrupt that they essentially destroyed themselves. Nevertheless, the Torah documents in protracted detail, Abraham’s attempt to save them. Why would the Torah tell us of this attempt if it was futile? To teach us the nature of true faith – the faith of Abraham – that you do not passively accept destruction even of the wicked. Your faith dictates that you pray and pray, you beseech and implore that G-d preserve your fellow man.

Abraham’s message of faith that includes love is demonstrated in another incident, at the beginning of this week’s chapter. G-d appears to Abraham. In middle of their discussion, Abraham suddenly sees three strangers approaching him. He turns away from G-d to greet the strangers… Isn’t that chutzpah? G-d makes a one time appearance to Abraham and Abraham does not hesitate to turn away from G-d to greet strangers and welcome them into his tent and feed them!

Indeed, Abraham thought that these three strangers were pagans, dust worshippers! Yet, he greets them knowing that is the greatest way to greet G-d. From this incident we derive the lesson that “greeting guests is greater than welcoming G-d.”  Had Abraham remained with G-d and ignored the strangers, he would have embraced G-d in a selfish way – only for himself. By greeting the guests he greeted G-d in a more powerful way – through greeting G-d’s creatures.

In a cold room you can warm yourself by donning a fur coat, which warms you but no one else. Or you can light a fireplace, and then warm everyone in the room. Faith is not about you alone, it is about everyone around you as well.

Abraham is the epitome of chesed (love) and the epitome of faith. Precisely because faith is so passionate and potent a force, it can be very destructive when not driven – and tempered – by love and compassion.

Ishmael was a ‘wild man,’ he inherited the wild and powerful passion of faith. And that’s exactly why, of all people, Ishmael is in such critical need of bittul – humility and suspension of self – to ensure that his passion is channeled in a G-dly and not in a destructive way.

Secure faith in G-d does not require you to destroy anyone that does not believe as you do. Secure faith in G-d is the absolute dedication to inspire.

G-d does not tell Abraham to destroy his son Ishmael. On the contrary, He promises him that he will be a nation – a great nation. Indeed, Ishmael’s journeys are documented in the Torah – how G-d is “with him,” protects and blesses him. Ishmael, being a son of the faithful Abraham, inherits Abraham’s faith. However, this is true only after Abraham listens to his wife Sarah and sends Ishmael away from their home. Ishmael will be a great nation under G-d, but only when he clearly recognizes his boundaries. Love also requires discipline – and only then is it true love, that brings humility instead of arrogance (see Tanya, Iggeret HaKodesh ch. 2). Sending Ishmael away from Isaac’s home was Abraham’s ultimate act of love, and one that would allow Ishmael to become a great nation.

Love is distorted when there are no boundaries. Faith is absolute, but that does not preclude diversity – different people, different nations, serving G-d each in their own way. Abraham taught faith and love, but he also taught that each person must serve G-d in his/her unique way, and that we inspire others to do so with compassion.

In a way, the need to separate between Isaac and Ishmael reflects the struggle between two approaches to faith and coexistence. Kabbalah and Chassidus teach that Ishmael is untempered chesed, while Isaac is gevurah (discipline), the antithesis of chesed, that balances and channels the chesed of Abraham.

Each of us – people of all faiths including Muslims – would do well to ask ourselves today: how my father Abraham would react to my attitudes and beliefs. Would he be proud of my behavior?

Suggested Actions

Tags: Islamism, tolerance, bittul, Edom, Sodom, faith, Islam
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Bereishit, Biblical, Abraham, Religion, Torah Personalities, Vayeira, Ishmael, Social, Spiritual, Torah, Terrorism, Current Events | No Comments »