How much do humans need—and how much can we do for—each other? An over 2500-year-old prophecy teaches us a timeless lesson in the power we have to help heal one another.

Allow me to share with you two stories, defining episodes about human dignity that left an indelible impression on me.

Quite a few years ago I was giving a class on the topic of unconditional love. Conditional love is driven by ulterior motives, and is therefore subject to change: If the motive is no longer fulfilled, the love wanes in direct proportion. Unconditional love, by contrast, is unwavering because it is not determined by mercurial factors.

As I was speaking, a gentleman sitting to my right began to mutter. “Absolutely right,” he said. “The only unconditional love is the love you get from your pet dog.” His voice got louder and more aggressive.

“Human love can never be trusted. People will always disappoint you, but your dog will always love you, unconditionally. When you come home after a hard day, your dog will greet you at the door, lick you and always accept you. Human love is unpredictable, always changing, always with strings attached.”

The man became increasingly passionate, to the point that he was almost frothing at the mouth. “Yes,” he raved on, “humans can never be trusted. The only love that is unconditional is the one from your pet.” Clearly, the issue touched a deep chord in this gentleman.

The rest of the class, however, was quite annoyed. People tried to silence him. Some snickered, others laughed, while others got angry. One woman spoke out at him, with a dismissive voice, “We didn’t come to hear you talk about your dog. We came to hear the Rabbi. Why don’t you just shut up with this dog nonsense. Stop raving like a lunatic.”

I’ll never forget the look in his eyes, as he glared at her and hissed with an anguished, trembling voice: “You… You are so shallow…”

The entire class looked at me waiting, watching how I would respond. I could have easily dismissed the individual. It would even have been possible to get a good laugh at his expense. But I instantly remembered something that took place many years ago, when I wore a younger (and slimmer) man’s clothes.

A man came to see me and told me his life story, which included the horrible abuse that his alcoholic father would subject him to. To avoid the blows of a baseball bat, the young boy would run outside and sleep near the doghouse, where he would be comforted by the love of his pet dog…

The man told me, “I learned love from… a dog. That was the first true love I ever experienced.”

I was utterly stunned. It was the first time I had ever heard about real abuse. I just couldn’t believe it. But I never forgot the story. So now, when this gentleman was carrying on about the unconditional love of a dog, I said to myself, “you never know where people find love. Never, ever judge anyone especially when it comes to the emotional realm.”

So I calmly said to the man at the class: “Listen, this week we’re talking about human love. We’ll designate another time to discuss canine love.” Everyone was surprised that the man responded with respect, “Thank you. I understand.”

After the class, another attendee, slipped me a handwritten note, which I read after I returned home. “I have been coming to your class for two years,” she wrote. “I have learned many things and been very inspired. But tonight I learned the most important lesson of all: The respect one must show to other people, no matter how strange they may behave. You have healed me tonight from my greatest wound: The lack of trust in human dignity.”

A few months later, the gentleman called me as well, and said that he wants to thank me for not dismissing him.

“Your validation of me has given me strength to deal with some very difficult challenges I am facing. Over the years, I have always been dismissed as weird when I would strongly react, in my own bizarre way, to issues around love. That night something changed. The fact that you did not invalidate me, that you actually allowed me to be strange, opened some significant doors. I now believe in some new possibilities.”

Story number two.

At our weekend retreat on Shabbat Nachamu several years ago, one woman was clearly unhappy about almost everything. She didn’t like the lodging, the food, the wash stations, the people, the kiddush, etc. etc. None of the staff were able to appease her, so the challenge was delivered to me. I tried to speak with her, to no avail. What I did recognize, however, was that something else was bothering her. So I simply allowed her space and didn’t argue.

Next morning before the Torah reading I spoke about Nachamu. “Nachamu” is the name of the Shabbat, based on the opening of the Haftorah read on the Shabbat that follows Tisha B’Av, the saddest day of the Jewish calendar, which commemorates the destruction of the Two Holy Temples. The word means “comfort.” G-d tells the prophet, “Nachamu Nachamu Ami, – Comfort, comfort my people… speak to the heart of Jerusalem.”

The Midrash explains (Pesikta Rabsi, 30) that the Haftorahs in the coming weeks follow one sequence. G-d first sent His messengers, the prophets, to console Jerusalem and the people. “But Zion said (in next week’s Haftorah): G-d has forsaken me; My G-d has forgotten me.” Zion is not comforted by the consolation of the prophets. The messengers returned and told G-d (in the Haftorah of week three): “Afflicted, storm tossed, one is not consoled” by our comforting words. G-d then replied (in week four): “Anochi nochi hu menachem’chem, – I, I am He who comforts you.” Not messengers, but I – yes I myself – comfort you. Why? Because the law is, “if a fire gets out of control…the one who started the fire must make restitution” (Exodus 22:5). Since G-d is the one that “started the fire” that destroyed the Temple, G-d Himself comes to comfort on the loss (Pesikta Rabsi, 30).

The question I posed was this: If the people were right in being dissatisfied with the consolation of the messengers, why didn’t G-d Himself come to console the people in the first place, and instead sent messengers?

I suggested that perhaps the reason for this is because in sending human messengers to console the people (Nachamu Nachamu Ami) G-d instilled in humans the power to console each other. G-d obviously has the power to console us, and He does so later. But the big question is whether we have the power to console and give strength to each other? Nachamu Nachamu Ami clearly states that we were given this power.

This may be compared to the Talmudic statement regarding healing: A specific verse in the Torah (“”v’rapeh ye’rapeh lo”) declares that G-d has given humans (doctors) the Divine permission and power to heal.

Perhaps this was a necessary step to begin healing and repairing the baseless hatred, which was the cause of the destruction of the second Temple. [Though Nachamu was said by Isaiah in connection with the first Temple, yet Nachamu remains the Haftorah recited after the destruction of the second Temple as well].

After my short talk on the topic, the unhappy woman called me over to the side, and told me, that this is the first yahrzeit of her son, whose Bar-mitzvah was on Shabbat Nachamu. She had come to this weekend to try to get away from the pain. She acknowledged that her distress was the cause of all her complaints. After hearing my words, she felt consoled. She believed that we indeed do have the power to comfort each other, and as such she would like me to dedicate the Haftorah reading in honor of her son.

Yes, my friends, we have the power to console and strengthen each other. We should not take this lightly; it is a Divine power given to us as a great gift. Obviously, this gift also comes with its alter ego: the ability to hurt each other. But the focus must be on our ability to choose the path of empowering each other.

This may also explain the great power in human touch. We know today—something that was always emphasized in Torah tradition—the profound effects of a mother’s cradling her newborn child. We have yet to fully appreciate the impact of nine months of pregnancy, when the fetus is completely submerged in its mother’s womb, on a child’s development and sense of security in this world. But is abundantly clear that the loving touch of parents helps a child develop safety and confidence, and the ability to in turn love and touch others.

G-d could have created us to be completely self-dependent, without the need for human affirmation, but then we humans would not be part of creating the magic of love. So G-d did take a risk—as He did with all the powers bestowed on humans—but a risk that was well worth the benefits: The great power we generate when we synergize, love and empower each other.

It is true that Hillel the sage says, “If I am not for myself who will be for me?” But he also continues, “If I am only for myself, what am I?” The second phrase does not contradict the first, because first and foremost, each of us is an individual that has the power to stand on his own feet. Even if we do not receive the proper love (G-d forbid), we are not doomed and we have the ability to compensate by nurturing our selves, through connecting to our Divine souls. In other words, we are self-standing individuals; our inherent value is not determined by other people.

But once we have established the sense of self (“If I am not for myself who will be for me?”), one can reach great heights only with the support and complementation of others (“If I am only for myself, what am I?”).

So, remember that every time you interact with another person: You have the unique ability to empower him or her. Every time.

It’s all about human dignity. To respect another’s dignity is the same as respecting your own. If one is compromised the other will quickly follow.  Furthermore, each of us is a microcosm of the whole. When you touch one person you touch a universe. And finally, to touch another is to touch G-d.

Conversely, even if you have lost trust in people due to disappointing experiences, always know that there remain special individuals out there that have the ability to help us. So never give up hope. Reach and you will find.

May we take that responsibility seriously, and live up to its full power.

Is there such a thing as objective elitism or is it only an illusion of the elite? Are all people equal or are some more equal than others? Is enlightenment exclusive only to a select few?

Think of all the strangers you have encountered along your life’s journey. Isn’t it fascinating to study the faces of thousands of random people? What are the ultimate aspirations of all these people? (Are they thinking the same thing about me?). Are they independent thinkers, following their own paths? Or are they all being manipulated by the few people with power and wealth?

This week’s Torah portion provide some interesting insights.

*****

One of the themes in this week’s Torah portion is yichus.

You don’t know what yichus is? Let me tell you. Yichus is what Tevye the milkman could have complained about to G-d. As in:

“Dear G-d, you made many, many poor people. I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be poor. But it’s no great honor either! So, what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?” Tevye could have added: “Ok, so if you didn’t bless me with wealth, why didn’t you at least give me yichus?”

Literally, yichus means lineage, distinguished birth, pedigree. But it means much more in Yiddish culture, as a proud Yiddishe grandmother exclaiming at the wedding of her grandchild: “oy! You should see how handsome is the choson of my einekel (the groom of my granddaughter)! And yichus—gevald, such yichus; don’t ask…”

Or when someone proposes a shidduch (match), and the question is asked: “And what about her yichus?”… “Is she tall?” to which the matchmaker replies: “She has money.” “Is she beautiful?” “She has yichus.”

You get the idea.

Yichus is that intangible which many people value for no other reason than image, often used to evaluate the merit of a potential matrimonial candidate. Yet, on a serious note, yichus also demonstrates “good blood,” cherished genes.

But what exactly is this yichus thing. On one hand, the Torah values yichus. At the same time, the controversy remains how much significance should yichus bear when we live in a world where some of the most unrefined people have great yichus and some the most refined people may not have the greatest yichus. After all, even Abraham was not blessed with great yichus.

This week’s Torah portion can help us unravel the yichus dilemma.

The great Torah commentator Rashi explains why the verse emphasizes the lineage of Pinchas in the opening of this week’s portion:

“Because the tribes would humiliate Pinchas by saying that he stems (on his mother’s side) from an idol worshiper and he murdered a Jewish leader. The verse therefore comes to establish his yichus (on his father’s side) to Aaron the High Priest, brother of Moses.”

However this Rashi requires explanation. Is yichus a game of “eenie meenie mini moe”—randomly choosing the positive pedigree? Either or: If Pinchas’ lineage stemmed from an idol worshipper (as the tribes argued), how does it help us to emphasize that Pinchas also had good genes?

Rashi teaches us the dual nature of yichus. As one humble grandson of a great Rebbe once told me, in response to my asking him why he doesn’t live up to his great yichus:

“I heard from my father that yichus is like a bunch of zeroes.  If they follow a number then each 0 multiplies the number by ten. If no number precedes them, a bunch of 0’s add up to one big zero.”

In other words yichus does not compensate for one’s deficiencies. Great yichus without one’s own virtues and efforts can be quite empty.

True, that good lineage can often “carry” or “redeem” a person in difficult situations – hence the concept of “zechut avot,” the merit of our ancestors, which is never eradicated – yet, that merit is a blessing from above. We on our part cannot simply depend on yichus; we must do our part in living up to our lineage.

Like Pinchas, each of us has two sides. We have great lineage traced directly to our ancestors, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.  Yet, we also have other “blood.” It is our choice to determine which one will control our lives; what direction our actions will take.

Free will remains the unwavering foundation of life. Nothing—neither good nor bad pedigree—impedes our free choice. True, yichus can help a person, just as other personality traits may create more conducive conditions; but we all have our strengths and our challenges to overcome.

After all, a person may have excellent yichus, even have grown up in a home that provided a strong education, yet still make terrible choices that hardly reflect his yichus. Conversely there are those that have reached great spiritual heights through their efforts, without any obvious and immediate positive pedigree.

Because, every person has great yichus, even if it may stem from many generations back; and every person has unique challenges.

So though it was true, as the tribes claimed, that Pinchas descended from an idol worshipper, yet through his selfless and courageous actions in taking the initiative, Pinchas earned his right to be identified with his distinguished grandfather Aaron the High Priest.

The mistake of the tribes was the sin of elitism: They felt that lineage alone determines one’s destiny. Pinchas, originating from a pagan was doomed to an inferior position, regardless of his behavior; Zimri, leader of the Tribe of Shimeon, was blessed with leadership, regardless of his disgusting actions.

The Torah tells us that it does not work that way. Take the great Moses: Notwithstanding their great pedigree, it was not Moses’ children but Joshua who succeeded him.

Which really brings us to the topic of elitism. The debate continues to rage whether all people are actually equal, or are some more equal than others. The argument goes that the “masses are…,” most people are followers, interested primarily in their own survival and pleasures, and are in need of the few gifted individuals that are blessed with the vision and wisdom of leadership (“yodei makirei” in the language of Tanya).

Even America, which cherishes the freedom of the individual and declares, “all men are created equal,” established the Electoral College, feeling that individuals would be too partisan and limited to directly elect the President. Instead, Electors, who are the most knowledgeable and informed individuals from each State, represent the general population and they select the president based solely on merit and without regard to State of origin or political party.

Throughout history this debate has manifested itself in many shapes and forms.

In the 60’s there was a debate amongst two enlightened individuals, whether a certain substance that induced a psychedelic state should be distributed to the masses or is it just for the elite, who will appreciate and not abuse it.

Monarchs and clergy through the centuries claimed that they were blessed with being chosen by G-d to lead—that they were more equal than others.

Even Maimonides wonders (introduction to the Mishne) what is the role of the masses who pursue their personal comforts and pleasures instead of an enlightened life of wisdom and virtue—the purpose for which man was created, but remains the path of the few. Maimonides goes on to explain that the role of the masses is to repair and civilize the world and thus serve the few enlightened people of wisdom and virtue, and to also serve as their company so the world not be desolate. Yet, clearly this is not the end of the discussion, especially taking into consideration that every human being has a Divine calling in the world.

Some argue that this was also the dispute (l’havdil) between the Chassidim and the Misnagdim back when Chassidus was first introduced by the Baal Shem Tov. The non-Chassidic leaders felt that mysticism was to be studied only by the elite few. Whereas the Chassidic masters felt that it is relevant and should be taught to the masses, to all people.

This debate around elitism has never been completely resolved. This week’s Pinchas story can help resolve the question by illuminating for us the delicate balance between the sanctity of the individual, the recognition of the limitations of the masses and the necessity for responsible leadership.

The first thing we must know is that every person was created in the Divine image, and thus has a unique and indispensable role to play. Even if one is not the “enlightened type,” his or her Divine contribution can manifest itself in other ways. All people are expected to live up to their destiny—to the utmost of their ability and opportunity—to live a life of wisdom and virtue.

In addition, each of us has been blessed with a powerful heritage and excellent pedigree. [Even if one cannot trace a lineage to special ancestors, Maimonides writes to Ovadiah the Ger, that his lineage goes directly to G-d, far superior to a lineage that stems from human beings, even great ones].

At the same time, we also face the challenges of survival, and the inclination to protect our own immediate interests—laced with narcissism and self-preservation, with the temptation to overlook our higher calling.

While it may be true that some people lean more toward the former and others toward the latter, yet all of us have elements of both: Enlightened leaders can be often quite selfish, and the simple masses can be often quite noble.

Indeed, the paradox is apparent in the following verse in Jeremiah regarding the Messianic age:

“I shall put my teaching in their inward parts and write it in their heart…They shall no longer teach one another… saying ‘know G-d,’ for they shall all know Me—from the least of them to the greatest of them” (Jeremiah 31:32-33).

If  “they shall no longer teach one another… for they shall all know me” why does the verse say that there will be a distinction between “the least of them” (“ketanom”) and the “greatest of them” (“gedolom”)? Because diversity will remain, there will be both young and old, smaller and greater, yet each will know Me; G-d’s Essence will permeate each according to his/her level.

We see here both elements: Equality yet distinction.

Given, that we are not yet in Messianic times and we still are challenged by our own narcissism, hence, a greater need for leadership today. However, individual responsibility—and human diversity—is still part of pour present reality.

So, despite the dual forces tugging at us in two opposite directions, the most important message of all is this:

The choice is yours.

I have a close friend whom I truly love. He has many beautiful qualities and virtues. Yet, at the same time he has certain blind spots and blockages in fundamental areas, which have a dramatic impact on his life and on his relationships, including with me. When it comes to these areas he is maddening – like a hard-headed stone, impossible to break through no matter what I say or do. He just doesn’t “get it.”

Can you please suggest ways that can help me get through to this dear person in my life when he seems so impenetrable?

M.

Dear M.

I always loathe advising someone about a third party whom I have not met and whose particulars I am not familiar with. Besides, there are no generalities and generic formulas when it comes to human beings. Every person is another story, every soul has his or her own unique issues, which must be addressed sensitively case by case.

Another factor that needs to be considered is your role in reaching your friend. What is your motivation to do so? Is it healthy or perhaps you may be crossing inappropriate boundaries? Perhaps you are too close to your friend, and you may not be the right person to challenge him. Even if someone is blocked – and who amongst us is not at times blocked? – we may not always have a right to “intrude” into a person’s psyche and try to “force” open doors, without the proper invitation. And even when we do, great care must be taken whether and how to challenge blind spots, with proper sensitivity to the reasons and causes for these blockages.

Above all, we must always ensure that the objective of freeing a person of his or her impediments is for that person’s benefit.

Obviously, all these qualifications do not preclude the possibility that people can just be stubborn in their own limited perspective and if we care, we should do everything in our power to challenge that person and help unlock their closed mind or heart. Sometimes, when trust and love are in place, we do need to be strong and aggressive in unblocking obstructions.

After stating these disclaimers, and assuming that there is a productive goal in opening up a blocked person, allow me to say that there are some guiding principles that can be applied to every given situation, with due consideration to each individual’s particular issues.

Indeed, an episode in this week’s Torah portion (Chukat) illuminates for us the difficulty, the challenge and the proper method to be employed when wanting to pierce a… “stone.”

During the 40 years of wandering in the wilderness the people had a fresh supply of water from “Miriam’s well.” But after Miriam’s passing, the water stopped flowing. Once “the people had no water…they assembled against Moses and Aaron,” and quarrelled with Moses, saying,

“If only we had died with the death of our brothers before G-d. Why have you brought the congregation of the Lord to this desert so that we and our livestock should die there?  Why have you taken us out of Egypt to bring us to this bad place; it is not a place for seeds, or for fig trees, grapevines or pomegranate trees, and there is no water to drink.”

G-d then told Moses to

“take the staff and assemble the congregation…and speak to the rock in their presence so that it will give forth its water. You shall bring forth water for them from the rock, and give the congregation and their livestock to drink.”

But then Moses, the great Moses, made a fatal mistake. “Moses raised his hand and struck the rock with his staff twice. An abundance of water gushed forth, and the congregation and their livestock drank.”

Instead of speaking to the rock, Moses struck it. Resultantly,

“G-d said to Moses and Aaron, ‘Since you did not have faith in Me, to sanctify Me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly to the Land which I have given them.’”

This episode was forever coined “mei merivah,” the waters of dispute.

What is the meaning behind this story? Why did Moses alter G-d’s command and instead of speaking he struck the rock? Indeed, forty years earlier G-d actually instructed Moses to draw water by striking the rock, which would explain why Moses did not hesitate to strike the rock now as well. But why then did G-d actually change His instructions?

The biggest question of all is this: Drawing water from a rock – whether through speaking to it or striking it – is equally miraculous. So what true difference is there whether Moses spoke to the rock or struck it? Both are acts of faith. Why then did Moses’ alteration demonstrate a lack of faith in G-d?!

And why would this seemingly subtle change prevent Moses and Aaron from entering the Promised Land?! Is seems like a disproportionate penalty for a relatively minor alteration?

This story teaches us a vital lesson in communication and education, and in the respect we have for the human spirit.

As they were concluding their arduous journey and about to enter the Promised Land G-d wanted to convey a critical message in the ultimate way to deal with the rock-like resistance that we would face in all generations to come.

The rock represents the hard coat of armor that we so often surround ourselves with for protection. We all have various defense mechanisms that we develop to protect our own vulnerability. Especially people who have been hurt or abused will hide behind layers of smokescreens. A continuous onslaught of broken promises and disappointments, betrayals and boundary breaches, especially at a young, formative age, erodes trust.

What is the ultimate way to pierce a rock; to produce water from a hard stone?

The answer lies in how we look at the “rock.” If we see the hard armor as the natural state of the human being, then the only way in is through aggressive means: Break the shell and enter. Strike the rock.

But if we recognize that the pure soul within each of us retains its majesty, no matter what harsh experiences happen to us in life, then ultimately the soul can be reached through speaking to it, with sincerity and love. Even the hardest “rock” contains a soft center, a moist core that may lay dormant, but remains alive.

Initially, striking the rock may produce some results. Indeed, at times it is necessary to use force to break down resistance and develop behavioral discipline. But the aggressive approach alone will only produce temporary results. It may force the armored psyche to open up a bit, but it will not last and it will not truly open up the person. The psyche within will remain open only if it feels safe and nurtured.

Observe a child. Unjaded, an innocent young one will be receptive to those that love that child. But after repeated broken promises and disillusionments, the child will begin closing up. Sulking in silence, locking him or herself into a secret corner. As the years pass the “shrouds” harden and it becomes increasingly difficult to penetrate the tough exterior.

Speaking to the individual, gently, with words from the heart – will ultimately enter the heart, and affect true change.

This distinction between an aggressive strike and a subtle word is not a trivial one. It is the difference between life and death: Do we see a person, even a very blocked one, as an impenetrable “rock?” Do we see a person whose trust has been lost and betrayed as irreparable “damaged goods?” Or does every soul retain its purity, even as it may lay hidden and silent beneath layers of armor?

G-d was telling Moses – speak to the stone, do not strike it. Have confidence that you can get through to the person. You may not see immediate results, you may not feel that you are getting through. But have faith. Believe in the person’s soul. Know that within the hardened shell lies a gentle soul, waiting to be released, waiting to be loved, waiting to be nurtured.

Witness those special parents that never give up on a seemingly unreachable child; those loving ones that continue to speak to their beloved even as s/he lies in a comatose state (G-d forbid); those indomitable spirits that refuse to succumb to suffering.

Moses obviously knew all this. Yet, he felt that the people in the wilderness, due to their incessant complaining and quarreling with G-d, still needed to learn the lesson through a tough approach – striking the rock. G-d, however, was telling him that the strong approach was needed at the outset of the journey, 40 years ago. Now as you enter the Promised Land and need to establish a long-term, sustainable system, you must learn the art of “speaking to the rock.”

As long as you do not know how to speak to the “rock,” you cannot lead the people into the Promised Land.

You may be tempted to just want to wring a resistant person’s neck. Often, a person’s blocks can indeed be maddening. You want to yell at them: “Open your … eyes! Can’t you see that you just are not where it’s at?” This can be particularly exasperating when the person is convinced, absolutely convinced, that “he gets it.”

Despite these feelings, we must always remember that beneath the rocky surface lays a gentle soul, “a still, soft voice,” that can be reached through gentleness.

Sometimes we need to apply “shock treatment” to shake up a person. But this needs to be done with discretion and sensitivity. Ultimately, even the strong approach needs to be coupled with “speaking” to the rock from the heart.

Trust – is the single most important ingredient in any true communication; it creates the fertile ground for all developing growth.

Speaking to a “hard rock” instead of striking it can be the difference between entering or not entering the Promised Land.

Where does confidence come from?

Is it inborn or acquired? Nature or nurture?

Experience definitely plays a critical role in gaining confidence. As the joke goes: When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the experience ends up with the money and the person with money ends up with the experience.

Through experience and training – trial and error and repeating patterns – you gain confidence in your respective field. Even when you are skilled in a given area, it is only with years of experience that you become confident in yourself and your accomplishments.

Peer support is also an important factor in gaining confidence. Beginning from early childhood, the support we get from our parents (and also the lack of it) directly affects our level of self-confidence. When a child is acknowledged and encouraged, assured and complimented, the child builds courage and learns to trust him/herself. As a child explores it’s surrounding, observe how s/he looks for affirmation from parents and adults.

Then of course, as we grow older, we look to our friends for support and confirmation. Even as experienced professionals, a compliment and endorsement helps build our self-confidence. It often helps us have the courage to make even bolder moves in our particular areas of expertise.

Yet, after all our experience and peer support, confidence remains somewhat of an elusive mystery. Consider the fact that many experienced people, who have all the support in the world, may still be insecure and lack self-confidence. Others, on the other hand, have deep self-confidence despite their lack of experience and affirmation. Many revolutionaries and inventors forged ahead with great confidence even as they were being dismissed and dissuaded by others.

Confidence must also not be confused with persistence or audacity, or with boldness and nerve, just as it shouldn’t be confused with cockiness or arrogance. Many bold actions can be driven by forces other than self-confidence. Indeed, many an insecure person will often compensate for his/her lack of self-confidence by acting audaciously. As a friend once told me about a certain arrogant individual: “He hides his ignorance with his arrogance.”

Some people seem to be born with an inherent self-confidence, others not.

So what lies at the heart of confidence?

Perhaps the question can be answered by asking conversely: Is there such a thing as absolute confidence? An even bigger question: How is confidence possible in a mortal world in which every thing is temporary? Every entity we know erodes. Nothing in the material world is forever. So how can we ever be secure and confident in a world in which everything is always shifting, changing or dying?!

Confidence, in other words, if it’s not superficial or artificial, must be connected with permanence.

The only permanent thing in your life is your soul. Everything else in this world – your body, your material possessions – is transitory and ever-changing. Your soul, by contrast, is Divine; permanent and indispensable. “Soul” in this context means both your personal soul and all your “soul” activities, like love, children and all the eternal things that you create in your lifetime.

Thus, true confidence is rooted in the soul.

But all people have souls, so why are some more confident than others?

Because the soul is very elusive in this material world. The soul is trapped in a very powerful physical body, which never ceases to beckon us with all its needs and temptations.

The soul is like a pilot flame. It is always burning, intact. Yet, it must be fanned in order to make its impact. Blocked arteries (G-d forbid) will not allow a healthy heart to properly pump blood to reach and nourish the bodily organs.

Security comes from a connection to your soul, an awareness of your soul’s power, resulting in a profound self-confidence in your soul’s capacity.

So we have two voices within us: the secure voice and the insecure one. The confident voice and the unconfident one.

The insecure voice is the one that identifies with the impermanent things in our lives. The more we immerse ourselves and worship the transient materialism of life, the stronger it feeds our insecurity. Yet we also contain an unwavering resource called our Divine souls, which can provide us with absolute confidence.

How then do we access the inner confidence of the soul?

Two ways: Internally and behaviorally.

To access the secure soul in an insecure world you need to connect to the soul; to be aware of it. The deeper your awareness, the more profound the confidence. You must become confident with confidence, so to speak; Confident with your own inner soul confidence. To achieve that you need to have a relationship with your soul. By communing with your soul – through study, prayer and good deeds – you can glean energy from the soul’s inherent confidence.

Yet, we live in a mortal world, a world that worships the sensory and the tangible. This makes it quite difficult to access the invisible soul. We therefore have another way to access our own inner confidence – through behavioral change.

Sometimes when we cannot access the inner resources that lay beneath the surface, we need to scrape away the outer crusts that conceal the energy within. Psychologically this is called behavioral change: external change brings internal change. Shift your routines and this will in turn shift your inner moorings. Shift breeds shift.

One way to create such shift is to “fake” it. I don’t mean actually fake – but to project and believe in the possibility even when you are not in the mood. To act confident even when you may not feel that way.

Some cynics once criticized some Chassidim to their Rebbe, Rabbi Schneur Zalman.

“Your Chassidim are hypocrites,” they argued. “They pretend that they are more pious than they truly are. Even when they are not up to it, they pray for hours on end.” The Rebbe replied, “so may it be fulfilled in then the words of the Mishne, and how much more so in a positive situation.”

The Rebbe was referring to the Mishne that states, “A wealthy person who pretends that he is poor, will ultimately become poor.” If this is true in the negative, how much more so in the positive: When someone pretends to be better than he truly is, he will ultimately become a better person.

But isn’t this a sham? It would be deceitful if we were truly not good people at heart. However the fact is that we inherently are good souls. It’s only the grime of matter that masks the beauty of the spirit. Thus, when you behaviorally “pretend” to act according to the true nature of your soul, when you align your outer self with your inner self, you actually free your soul and allows it to actualize in your life.

So even if you don’t always feel secure, sometimes it’s wise to choose a cause you believe in and jump in with confidence, even if you have fears. Project confidence and true confidence will often follow. (As it is with all matters, discretion is necessary to know when not to be cocky and commit to things you are not ready for).

Another powerful way to behaviorally build self-confidence is to be around confident people. Confidence is contagious. Spending time with secure people will always nurture your soul’s inner confidence, just as hanging around insecure people will always feed your insecurities.

Behavioral shifts that introduce confidence into our actions acclimate you to your soul’s rhythm, to the point that it actually accesses your soul’s determined confidence. By digging from the outside – behaviorally – you reach within your soul. Coupled with a growing inner awareness behavioral confidence will fan the soul’s pilot flame and make it come alive.

If given the choice I would rather be psyched up – even to the point of manipulation – to believe in myself and my possibilities than to hear a sober voice of resignation.

Regardless, we are being emotionally manipulated all the time by media and advertising. “Leaders” of all sorts (competent or not) are trying to inspire us to follow their direction. And they use all the methods available to them – including manipulating images and sound bites as tools of persuasion. So we might as well be emotionally manipulated to believe in ourselves.

Above all, the fact is that we all have both voices inside of us: The voice of self-doubt, and the voice of self-confidence. Which will prevail depends on many factors. Not the least one the mentoring influences in our lives.

Say someone comes to consult with you about a particular challenge they are facing. Do you usually encourage or discourage him/her? Do you find reasons for hope and positive thinking, or do you focus primarily on the impossibilities of the situation? After all, if you soberly analyze any situation you can always find reasons to feel defeated. Yet, some people give us hope and some don’t.

Ask yourself: do the people around me bolster my self-confidence or feed my insecurities? Do they make me feel strong or weak; empowered or disempowered?

Now ask yourself: Whether you are a person who gives others hope?

It’s a mirror image: Confidence breeds confidence; security feeds security. You usually make others feel as you are; you project what you are and you are what you project. Confident and secure people make others feel the same. Insecure people make others feel insecure.

Test it.

Find people that give you hope. People that feed your confidence.

Confidence is an elusive gift. But not more elusive than our subtle souls. All eternal things carry a mystique in a fleeting world.

But don’t feel daunted. This is the challenge of life: The material world was fashioned to convince us that we have no true confidence; no reason to feel secure. It’s up to us to see beyond the transient curtain and access the confidence of our souls, which is our true and rightful heritage.

Believe in your soul. Believe in yourself. Have confidence in your confidence.

Everything is possible. Everything.