Whom Can We Trust?

Trust is all over the news these days. Do we trust our political parties and media? What about our financial institutions and insurance companies? Higher up: Can we trust our government? Can countries trust each other? Will the United States remain a trusted superpower? And finally – the holy economic grail itself: Can we trust our economic system: Capitalism?

With all the financial abuse of the last decade – obscene bonuses, fraud at the highest levels of business leadership, corporate benefits delivered by lawmakers who received financial contributions from these very corporations – trust has been eroded on every rung of our economic structure.

The fact is: money corrupts. Money is the epitome of self-interest. Self-interest – something no one is immune to – causes bias. And bias “blinds the eyes of the wise and distorts the tongue of the righteous.” It is now very apparent that the economic meltdown was caused by greed, which led to bad lending practices, easy credit and quick money. For every mistake we are aware of, how many are we not aware of? What new revelations will the future bring?

If you think about it, financial meltdowns are inevitable. If personal gain and self-interest are the driving forces of capitalism, how much does it take to shift from personal gain to greed and to cutting corners for profit? And how far away is that from outright fraud and theft to enrich oneself at the expense of others? And once the greed and fraud reach a critical mass, what power can contain the rippling damage?

The conventional answer, of course, is that laws and regulation keep us honest. But what happens when the regulators fail, as they have so blatantly in the last few years? And what about lawmakers being handsomely rewarded by corporations who stand to gain from the way the laws are written? And who regulates the regulators?

Some say that we must demand total disclosure. But then, how do you prevent abuse of our cherished privacy? And can you really trust those that are enforcing transparency? How many elected officials are themselves corrupt, or become so once they have gained power, influence and money dangling before their eyes?

You get the idea. The fact remains that man-made systems will always be flawed. Let’s be honest: Despite all our checks and balances, given the right circumstances, self-interest can bring the house down. We may not like to entertain the thought, but once trust has been breached, promises broken and security betrayed, how much does it take to destroy the fragile structures that keep things together, tenuous as they are in the first place?

Of course, it all comes down to the biggest question of all: Can we trust people? Can we trust each other? Can we trust ourselves?

A recently divorced man shared with me his tragic life. After years of trying, challenged by a fractured childhood, he finally thought that he had found his soulmate, only to discover that she too betrayed him in ways I would prefer not to mention. He told me, “since my abusive father left my mother, I trusted no one. After hard work I finally allowed my guard down and trusted someone with my heart and soul. Sadder than my divorce is the fact that I will never trust again…”   How sad. And how about the child they had together – and millions of others – what type of trust can a growing adult have when all expectations and bonds were betrayed in childhood?

Sure, we have naïve, innocent, inexperienced people trusting others, until… Until they too get hurt, and then they lose their trust.

It’s one thing to find a trusting child or a trusting adult who has not been hurt. But can we find, savvy, seasoned, experienced people – people who have seen the cruelty of the world, who have witnessed the crimes and abuses humans are capable of – and still maintain their trust in humanity, their trust in other people?

Usually, once we have been wounded and especially repeatedly, we turn skeptical if not outright cynical. How many people do you know (or it may even be yourself) – that have their defenses up all the time? And understandably so: How can you develop trust when you grew up in a volatile home and an insecure environment, where every moment was a guessing game, not knowing whether your parents would be showering you with love or with scorn? Or you discovered at your workplace, that as much as you sincerely try, there are those co-workers or superiors that will do anything to undermine you. Or you have come to learn that we live in a world of backstabbing, insecure, selfish, small-minded people who can turn on you in an instant, when they feel their self-interest being threatened. And sometimes worse: Even with nothing to lose, some people will resent another’s success. In Yiddish this type of person is called a “nisht farginer.” I don’t know if there is an equivalent word in English, but it’s essentially begrudging another’s success for no reason at all. I guess, it makes some people feel less of a failure when others fail as well.

Which ever way you analyze it, trust has become a very precious and rare commodity. I wonder how much trust would trade for on today’s commodity markets?

That’s the bad news. Before we get too depressed, enter this week’s Torah portion, which gives us a royal dose of trust.

In this chapter – actually a composite of two chapters, Vayakhel and Pekudei – we conclude the book of Exodus with the construction of the Divine Sanctuary. G-d entrusts the human race to use their gold, silver and copper (and other physical materials) to build a Temple where the Divine presence will dwell. G-d’s trust in us is so complete and profound that He confers on us, mere mortals, the power to “build Me a sanctuary and I will dwell amongst you” – manifesting the Divine in each person’s life.

Various spiritual schools of thought debate the question whether we fickle mortals can in any way ever hope to reach the omnipotent and the immortal, without shedding our corporeal garments. Some argue that finite creatures can merely be servants to the Divine but can never hope to unite with G-d. Even King Solomon, the builder of the First Temple in Jerusalem, wondered:

“Heavens and heavens of heavens cannot contain You. How can this [earthly] building [contain you]?!”

One would think that the best way to manifest a Divine presence in our lives is through detaching from our material investments and involvements. We achieve nirvana by insulating ourselves from physical distractions and the corrupt influences of a selfish world, via meditation and other spiritual exercises conducive to a sublime experience.

And yet, the Temple was specifically crafted from physical materials – gold, silver and copper – items of value that have the potential to corrupt! Why tempt people by having them build a sanctuary with money?!

The answer lies in the entire purpose of the Temple: “I will dwell amongst you.” It is no great feat to build a sanctuary in heaven, where there is no avarice nor self-indulgence, no temptations nor distractions. The ultimate triumph is to create a sacred space “amongst you” – in a world of selfish materialism, out of untamed crude materials of this world, which are driven by their needs. Transforming this dark world into a Divine environment is the entire purpose of existence and the objective of the Holy Temple.

And indeed, G-d did take a great risk in entrusting us humans to transform matter into spirit, by building this Divine edifice out of our raw gold, silver and other basic materials.

Here we have the ultimate model for trust: G-d’s trust and confidence in us mortal, corruptible human beings to rise above our petty temptations and immediate needs and fulfill our higher calling. Would you trust other people with such a monumental task? But G-d does trust us.

The question is: How do we repay this trust? Even more fundamentally: How is G-d so sure that He can trust us? With history serving witness to mans’ capacity at duplicity and betrayal, what hope is there that we can transcend our innate self-interest driven tendencies?

In our own hearts we know how little we can trust ourselves. How we can compromise another when push comes to shove and our personal interests are at stake. If we can’t trust ourselves how much can we really trust others? Our distrust of others will always be in direct proportion to our distrust of ourselves. If you know that you can undermine another, you inevitably will feel that the other can do the same or more to you.

So how do we emancipate ourselves from this vicious cycle?

The answer, my friends, can be found in a very unlikely place. The antidote to the distrust inherent in a society driven by self-interest can be found, of all places, on USA currency.

Etched on every coin and bill of this country are the words “In God We Trust.” I am not sure who coined this line, but its message is uncannily prescient: Trust lies at the heart of our free economy. But how can we establish trust when people can’t be trusted? The money we carry tells us that the only way is to trust not in man but in G-d.

As we witness the flaws which have virtually destroyed the fabric of trust so vital to a free economy, we learn that as long as we remain arrogant in our own self-worship, claiming that we can be trusted – “trust me, trust me” – there is no basis for true trust. Yes, we can appoint regulators, write and enforce laws, remove inept leaders, yell and scream, but there will always remain a fundamental flaw in our systems: Left to their own accord, some people will cheat and lie to get ahead, especially if they feel that they won’t get caught.

There is but one way to infuse trust into man-made structures: By introducing something that is not man-made – In God We Trust. Trusting a force greater than ourselves – and that this force “created all people equal” – is the foundation of a just society, where people can trust each other, because they answer to a higher authority.

Humans left to their own resources cannot be trusted due to the inherent bias built into our own subjectivity and self-interest. But when a man humbly realizes that he is here not to serve himself, but to build of his belongings a Divine Sanctuary for a higher cause, then we have fertile ground for trusting each other.

One who trusts in G-d is someone we can trust. One who rises above self-interest and places their trust in a Higher Power is someone we can trust. Moses was trusted because he trusted in G-d, not in himself. He therefore humbly gives a detailed accounting in this week’s Torah portion regarding all the monies he collected to build the Temple.

Think of it this way: Two competent fund managers approach you to invest with them. One is brimming with confidence and tells you to trust him with your money; he even proves himself with steady returns over decades. The other humbly tells you that he will do his best to make your money grow, but ultimately it is in G-d that we trust to bless us in our ventures. Whom would you trust more?

We’re not discussing one who is mouthing slogans and paying lip service to G-d. We also are not referring to one who cheats other people and then prays to G-d and is nice to his family. Trust in G-d means a trust that permeates a person’s behavior even when he is in the world of business and finance.

That doesn’t mean that the people we trust are perfect. What it means is that they are accountable. Trust is based not on perfection but on accountability.

Obviously, trusting G-d cannot be regulated or imposed on anyone; it has to be a choice that people make. And there of course lies the challenge: Can people be trusted to make that choice?

G-d for one does trust us in that way. By creating us and giving us this choice He cast His vote of confidence in the human race. Now the question is whether we will live up to this expectation and confidence.

Perhaps our current economic meltdown is an unprecedented opportunity to give us all pause to think about the meaning of trust. And to learn the most vital lesson of all: The foundation of all trust is trust in G-d.

The concept of Divine Providence tells us that every answer we need in life is there right before our eyes. In this economic crisis – with people anxious about their money – all you need to do is look at the money you are so concerned about, and read the words:

In God – not in man – We Trust.

It contains perhaps the most intimate description you will ever find of a human being’s interaction with G-d. “G-d speaks to Moses face to face, just as a person speaks to a close friend” (Exodus 33:12). It may be the closest we will ever come to seeing a human being’s intimacy with G-d.

Moses had climbed Sinai to receive the Divine mandate called the Torah. Meanwhile the Jews down below, fearing that Moses would not return, build the Golden Calf. Moses descends with the Two Tablets containing the Ten Commandments. Upon seeing the people’s travesty, Moses shatters the tablets at the foot of the mountain.

Moses then returns to the mountain beseeching G-d for atonement. And here is where a most fascinating discussion ensues. With reservations not to sound too irreverent, the conversation between Moses and G-d is not simply one of creature and Creator, of servant and Master, of subject and Ruler; it is a conversation of love, intimate, even romantic.

Every aspect of this dialogue contains myriad of lessons how to face difficult situations and how to confront G-d, lessons that can be applied to mending all types of relationships.

Indeed, this week’s conversation between Moses and G-d teaches us the true nature of a healthy relationship, whether it is between you and G-d or between you and your beloved.

Moses begins immediately with total acknowledgment of the crime. “The people have committed a terrible sin by making a golden idol.”

Lesson #1: Total disclosure. Trust is built not on perfection but on accountability. When a mistake or a crime has occurred against your loved one, you don’t go into denial or cover-up of the crime. You don’t begin with excuses and explanations. You state plain and clear that a wrong has been committed.

Next Moses says: “Now, if you would, please forgive their sin.” After I have fully acknowledged their sin with no excuses, you can trust them to be accountable, and thus be worthy of your forgiveness.

Lesson #2: Courage to heal. Moses did not shrink away with guilt or fear after such a grave sin was transgressed. Once a serious grievance has occurred many people simply give up and feel hopeless. The opposite extreme of denial is resignation: the crime is so intense that it overcomes you with guilt and shame to the point of giving up. After acknowledgement must come the strength and conviction to heal.

Then Moses adds: “If not [and You don’t forgive them], You can erase me from the book that You have written.”

Lesson #3: Total dedication and sacrifice. As a true selfless leader Moses did not disassociate from the sinful people – something that he could have easily done being that he was not to blame for their sin. G-d even gave him the opportunity to build a new nation. However, in his great love for the people and total conviction that G-d loved the people, Moses does not take the easy course of running off. He stands up to G-d and brazenly states: “If You destroy them destroy me as well”!

Oh, how we could use such a leader today…

You would think that the communication ends at that point. If someone tried to convince you to pardon your betraying spouse the way Moses tried to convince G-d to forgive the Jews’ betrayal, would you continue the conversation?

But no. Not only does the conversation continue, it intensifies into one of the – if not the – most intimate conversations you will ever hear in your life.

G-d at first refuses to forgive the people. Moses then raises the ante:

“You told me to bring these people [to the Promised Land]…You also said that You know me by name and that I have found favor [‘chain’] in Your eyes. Now if I have indeed found favor in Your eyes, allow me to know Your ways, so that I will know how to [continue] finding favor in Your eyes, and to ensure that this nation is Your people… Your presence [should]…accompany us.”

This elicits G-d’s response: “Since you have found favor in My eyes and I know you by name, I will also fulfill this request of yours.”

But Moses is not pacified; he wants and begs for more: “Please show me Your Glory.” To which G-d replies: “I will make all My good pass before you, and reveal the Divine Name in your presence…”

G-d then explains: “You cannot see My Presence, because a man cannot see me and exist. [But] I have a special place where you can stand on the rocky mountain. When My Glory passes by, I will place you in a crevice in the mountain, placing My hand over you until I pass by. I will then remove My hand and you will see My ‘back,’ and My face you will not see.”

G-d then tells Moses to carve another set of tablets upon which G-d would inscribe the same words that were on the first tablets. “be ready in the morning to climb Mount Sinai and stand waiting for Me on the mountain peak. No man may climb up with you, and no one else may appear on the entire mountain. Even the cattle and sheep may not graze near the mountain.”

G-d then revealed Himself as He “descended in a cloud and He stood there with him. He called out in G-d’s name. G-d passed by before [Moses] and proclaimed [the thirteen Divine attributes of compassion]: G-d, G-d, Omnipotent, merciful and kind, slow to anger, with tremendous love and truth…”

As he hears the thirteen Divine attributes Moses bows his head and prostates himself, and says: If You are indeed pleased with me, O G-d, please go among us… Forgive our sins and errors and make us Your own.”

G-d then makes a covenant “before all your people and will do miracles that have never before been brought into existence in all the universe, among any nation… Be very careful… do not bow down to any other god, for G-d is known to demand exclusive worship.”

The end of the story is that after 80 days of prayer Moses does prevail and G-d grants complete pardon of the people on Yom Kippur, which thereafter becomes the holiest day of the year.

As cryptic as this conversation between Moses and G-d may be, several things are clear: The tone and language resounds with profound intimacy. If you did not know that this was a conversation between man and G-d it could very well be a romantic dialogue of love. Moses did indeed have a romance with G-d.

Another obvious fact is that Moses is not satisfied with just gaining Divine pardon; Moses uses this challenge as an opportunity to “dig” into G-d’s unique personality and G-d’s mysterious ways. Moses wants to go as far as he can to experience G-d’s Essence.

You would think that under the circumstances, with the people clearly guilty of a terrible crime, Moses would want to secure G-d’s forgiveness and get “out of there” as soon as possible. But no. Moses is absolutely confident in G-d’s love of the people, and is not satisfied with mere “damage control.” He realizes that the betrayal offers an unprecedented opportunity to access the deepest dimensions of G-d’s “being” so that we the people could forever after have an infinitely more profound relationship with G-d, one that would never break, one that could transcend every difficulty and thus provide us with eternal hope and confidence.

This provides us with several more vital lessons in relationship management.

Lesson #4: Grow and grow. A betrayal of trust must not suffice with regaining trust; it must become a catalyst to deepen the relationship. Getting back to square one is simply not enough; that would not redeem the pain and loss. Every challenge must lead us to a more profound love than the one we began with. We must use the opportunity to discover deeper bonds – bonds that could withstand the broken trust, because they reflect a love deeper than the betrayal.

Lesson #5: Never ever give up. True love is unconditional and eternal. When you are sure that you love your beloved and your beloved loves you, you never stop trying to repair any rift between the two. [Obviously, this should not be confused with obsession or infatuation, which may not always reflect a healthy, unconditional love. One may need an objective voice to help determine if the love is of the healthy or unhealthy sort]. Moses knew that G-d was not bound by any rules that would limit His love for the people. He knew that what he needs was to be absolutely honest in his plea for forgiveness, and he would prevail.

Lesson #6: Reciprocity. When you see that your beloved intimately knows your name [knowledge, “daas,” in Hebrew is related to intimacy], than you can ask in return: “allow me to know your ways, so that I will know how to [continue] finding favor in your eyes.” A relationship is about equality and reciprocity.

Lesson #7: Elicit recognition. When a relationship is challenged, it is critical to access the deep connection that exists between you and your beloved. Moses therefore tells G-d “You know me by name and that I have found favor in Your eyes.” “You know and recognize me like no one else does. You therefore know that I am here with my full sincerity and vulnerability, at your mercy. You, who knows me by name, please don’t forsake me.”

Lesson #8: Presence. A relationship is about being present. Your presence is with me, and my presence is with you. Being present doesn’t just mean showing up. It means that you are there with your complete self – invested entirely, more than anything else you are involved in. At work, for instance, part of you should be present, but it’s not healthy if all of you is immersed; you must always reserve part of your essence for a higher purpose. In a loving relationship your entire presence is necessary.

Lesson #9: See the face of your beloved. The fullest expression of love is when you see the “face” of your beloved. Face in Hebrew is “panim,” which also means “inside.” Moses, therefore, in his great longing for G-d, asks to see His face. Yet, no one can see G-d’s face and exist. Commentaries explain that G-d’s reply to Moses, “You will see My ‘back’ and My face you will not see” should be read as follows: “You will see My ‘back’ and My face, [but My face] you will see by not seeing.” The intimate essence of G-d can only be experienced (seen) by not looking, by not allowing your “self” to get in the way. As soon as you look, the defined you will not allow yourself to see G-d and exist. Only by suspending yourself in complete “bittul” and becoming a transparent channel can you then “see” G-d.

Lesson #10: Private moments. Presence also includes the need, at times, for total privacy, eliminating any distractions. As G-d tells Moses: “Stand waiting for Me on the mountain peak. No man may climb up with you, and no one else may appear on the entire mountain. Even the cattle and sheep may not graze near the mountain.” At this moment you need to seclude yourself with me in an oasis that frees you from all social and environmental forces, with no other people or nature around.

Lesson #11: Exclusivity. Finally, a true relationship is about exclusivity. “Do not bow down to any other god, for G-d is known to demand exclusive worship.” Not because of jealousy or control, but because love is all-encompassing, indivisible, uncompartmentalizable. A relationship with G-d must embrace G-d on His terms, not on ours. The Golden Calf is about worshipping a god on subjective, human terms. A god created by man in the human image, rather than G-d who created man in His Divine Image.

We were blessed to overhear the intimate conversation between Moses and G-d. We may not fully understand all its dimensions, but we can glean many lessons from their exchange.

Some of the lessons are mentioned above. Many more can be explored [I would love to hear any thoughts you may have]. Lessons can also be learned from the thirteen Divine attributes revealed to Moses in the process [to be discussed in a future article]. The key is to understand that the relationship between Moses and G-d can help us deal with all relationship issues, between you and yourself, between you and your loved ones, between you and G-d.

Many of us have grown up with the image of a G-d that sits mighty in heaven, detached, angry, full of wrath, waiting to punish us for our sins. If nothing else, this week’s dialogue between Moses and G-d dispels that myth, and teaches us that our relationship with G-d is far more complex, far subtler. It is a highly personal relationship, intimate in nature, and one that touches the very core of our being.

To quote Rabbi Levi Yitzchak Berditchev: The god you don’t believe in I too don’t believe in.

Perhaps our big challenge is to destroy our false gods and false images of G-d, and to allow ourselves to be introduced to the Real G-d: The one that speaks to your soul in the most intimate way.

How We Define Our Own Destinies

Dear Rabbi Jacobson,

In many of your writings I have read that each of us is responsible to be happy. Indeed, it is a mitzvah to have simcha (joy). You have eloquently explained that each of us is indispensable and worthy of being joyful. However I would like to ask you, especially now that we enter the month of Adar, a month of joy: Is it possible that some of us are just wired to be happier than others? It often appears that way. Some people seem to simply have a happy disposition while others just don’t.

The real question is this: Does our wiring define our attitudes and personalities or do our attitudes define our wiring?

Broader yet: Can our thoughts change reality? Do our feelings shape our destiny?

The possibility may sound preposterous, but the truth is that science now is embracing precisely this idea: That our reality is shaped by our thoughts. Or as it has recently been coined: Neurons get wired by the way they are fired. By repeatedly thinking about something a certain way, our minds actually get (re)wired to follow that thought pattern.

If, for instance, you think negatively about yourself, your neurons get hardwired with a negative self-perception, to the point that the negative self-image becomes a self-fulfilling reality, in which you can no longer distinguish between the initial thought and the reality it has created.

And once the neurons get wired into place, through habitual thinking, it becomes increasingly difficult to unwire yourself.

Yet, just as we have become wired a certain way, we can also become unwired, through persistent effort we can refire our neurons and rewire them with new attitudes.

Quantum physics takes this to a further extreme: We have the power to impact not just our neurons and self-perception but also the reality of existence around us. Indeed, many scientists argue that there really is no distinction between our thoughts and the reality around us. If, for example, a certain event has never entered the realm of possibility in your consciousness, then you will not be able to see the event even if actually is in your sight of vision!

Our entire concept of reality is actually turned inside out: We always thought that there is an objective reality “out there” which we then experience and try to comprehend. The truth is that it’s not reality that shapes our perception; our perception shapes our reality.

A Japanese researcher, Dr. Masaru Emoto, has demonstrated that human thought has the power to change the shape and expression of water crystals. Using powerful microscopes he showed that crystals formed in frozen water reveal changes when specific, concentrated thoughts are directed toward them. In his new book, The Hidden Messages in Water, he describes his findings, that water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words shows brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts, forms incomplete, asymmetrical patterns with dull colors.

A recent documentary called What The Bleep Do We Know? explores this issue, presenting extensive interviews with prominent physicists and thinkers.

In some mysterious way, on a quantum level, sub-atomic particles sense that they are being observed, and they are affected by the observer.

As the physicist John Wheeler explains: “Nothing is more important about the quantum principle than this, that it destroys the concept of the world as ‘sitting out there,’ with the observer safely separated from it by a 20-centimeter slab of plate glass. Even to observe so minuscule an object as an electron, he must shatter the glass. He must reach in. He must install his chosen measuring equipment. It is up to him to decide whether he shall measure position or momentum. To install the equipment to measure the one prevents and excludes his installing the equipment to measure the other. Moreover, the measurement changes the state of the electron. The universe will never afterward be the same. To describe what has happened, one has to cross out that old word ‘observer’ and put in its place the new word ‘participator.’ In some strange sense, the universe is a participatory universe.”

What’s fascinating about this is not the actual concept.

Mystics have always understood the universe as a participatory one. Indeed, the opening verses of the Bible make it very clear that the human being created in the Divine Image has the power—and the responsibility—to shape and transform the universe.

The amazing thing is that this so-called mystical idea—which seems so counter-intuitive to linear logic—is being recognized by science as an empirical fact. This only reinforces the mystical teachings (namely in the Zohar) that at the dawn of Messianic times there will be an explosion of wisdom – both above and below, Divine wisdom as well as scientific wisdom. And a wisdom that will reflect the utter unity between matter and spirit.

So now, are we wired to be happy or to be sad? Or do we control our wiring?

No doubt that many people seem to have a despondent predisposition, and others a cheerful one. Add into the equation the hurt and deprivation many have suffered in their childhoods it can almost appear impossible to overcome the dysfunctionality wired into our psyches. And any attempt to change things would seem futile.

All that is true, if we are bound to our wiring, like a computer dependent on its circuitry. However, we are not mere machines. We have the power to rewire ourselves, and to reshape even a daunting reality. Besides the fact that many of our demons are our own self-destructive illusions, even the ones that have some objective reality are also in our control.

Someone once came to the Tzemech Tzedek imploring that he pray on behalf of a certain individual who was seriously ill. The Tzemech Tzedek replied: “Tracht gut vet zayn gut,” think good and it will be good. Positive thinking can actually change the situation for the better.

Once upon a time this could have been taken as a religious statement, driven primarily by faith. Today it is becoming scientific fact that our thoughts define our realities.

As one great master once said: Some people think “why am I so sad because things aren’t working in my life.” The truth is that things aren’t working because you are so sad. People often believe that they are not happy because they have no joy in their lives. The truth is the other way around: By being joyous you become happy.

Which comes to explain the ultimate question: Will this world ever change and actually realize the purpose of its being – a world filled with virtue and love, with no more injustice and pain?

It almost seems like an impossible dream. When we witness the selfishness around and within us – with some researchers arguing that “the average human being is about 95 percent selfish in the narrow sense of the term” – you have to wonder how human inclinations will ever change? Of course, Divine intervention can achieve anything. However, we are told to not depend on miracles. How will things change naturally?

Robert H. Frank wrote in a recent article in the New York Times (Business, February 17), that we are influenced by our own theories. Our personal attitudes and beliefs about selfishness and giving directly impact and define our own behavior.

He cites an experimental study of private contributions to a common project, which “found that first-year graduate students in economics contributed an average of less than half the amount contributed by students from other disciplines.”

“Other studies have found that repeated exposure to the self-interest model makes selfish behavior more likely. In one experiment, for example, the cooperation rates of economics majors fell short of those of nonmajors, and the difference grew the longer the students had been in their respective majors.”

Frank concludes, that what is particularly troubling is that “the narrow self-interest model, which encourages us to expect the worst in others, often brings out the worst in us as well.”

Everyone is affected by the attitudes and expectations of those around us, and ultimately by the expectations we have of ourselves. If you have been inundated with a message that you are a lowly creature, or that we are all not much more than selfish beasts, especially if this position helped shaped you in your formative years, inevitably your “script” has been written.

I’ll never forger my shock when I heard for the first time someone tell me, in response to my question what he looks forward to in life, “I would be happy if I just did not get hurt in life. When a day passes and I come out intact, I breathe a sigh of relief and feel accomplished.” This individual was hurt so many times, that his threshold for “normal” and his expectation for happiness was: No damage.

Well, the good news is that within the disease lies the cure: Our attitudes and beliefs have the power to rewire ourselves and the universe—to higher the standard that we expect of ourselves.

We are not doomed and we are not static. Each of us has a vibrant spirit, and with will power, persistence and good support, we can unplug, refire and rewire our systems.

We have the power to not relegate our lives to watching others watch others watch others watching us – in one vicious cycle of “the blind leading the blind” spiraling downward, with producers accusing consumers of lowering the standards and vice versa; punctuated by the prerequisite hand-wringing “oh my, look how things have deteriorated,” with everyone winking at each other while scowling at Janet Jackson. How often do we hear producers arguing that the low standard of TV broadcasting is due to the demand of the consumers, and the consumers arguing, that “we watch what they show us,” and advertisers salivating either way as long as they get their product planted into our hearts.

Yes, we have the power to rewire ourselves—to rewire the very consciousness of existence.

The world will change when we change our attitudes. Expect more of yourself and you will become more. Expect more of others and they will become more.

All it takes are a few individuals who will stand up to the prevalent status quo. Instead of going with the flow and following the current, they will be truly “independent” and lift the expectations that we have of each other to its deserved place: That we live up to the Divine image within ourselves.

All it takes is you and I and a few other individuals. If ten of us can do, ten thousand can. If then thousand can, ten million can. After all, the six billion of us are merely six billion individuals like you and me.

Rest For a Weary Traveler

Do you ever feel lonesome? Utterly alone? With no one to turn to and no one able to understand you? Join the club. Imagine a lonely soul wandering endlessly, with no where to rest his head. Finally the day comes and he finds a place he can call home. Read on and discover the surprising company that loneliness shares. And what you can do to find comfort in a desolate world.

Many, many theories have been posited about G-d. Does He care or does He not care about mankind and earthly matters? How does He allow evil as an all-good G-d? Does He exist in our pain and suffering? Is He a He or a She, neither or both? Does G-d exist and if so why don’t we see Him? Does G-d exist like we exist or in another form?

What type of personality does G-d have? Is He angry, kind or detached?

Then there are the questions about how G-d runs or doesn’t run the universe. Is G-d present and involved in every detail, or has He set the machine in motion, checking in from time to time? Does Divine Providence govern every detail of our lives?

And of course, discussions abound around the purpose of existence. Why did G-d create the universe? What is our role in the picture? Does G-d “gain” anything from our existence?

One can say that all the above is true. G-d manifests in many different ways and expressions, even contrary ones. Indeed, the mystics explain that every possible human “mood” and “state of mind” originates from a Divine source. So though G-d in His essence transcends all definitions and anthropomorphic characteristics, at the same time He is able to generate every possible type of experience.

Considering all these notions about G-d and His all-powerful “personality,” I had this week a profound epiphany about an unexpected dimension of G-d – a “vulnerable” one at that, and one that I believe can offer us great comfort.

While reading this week’s Torah portion, in which G-d commands Moses “build Me a sanctuary and I will rest among them,” a sad thought struck me: How lonely G-d must have been without us? Until the sanctuary was built, G-d in effect was “homeless,” without a place to rest. What could it feel like wandering forever in the infinite past, with no place to call home? In fact, until this verse was communicated we would never have thought that G-d would need a place to “rest.” After all, rest is only for weak mortals. How and why would an omnipotent G-d need to “rest?” But after G-d tells Moses “build Me a sanctuary and I will rest among them,” it becomes glaringly clear that up to that point G-d had no place to rest…

At first glance, we may be inclined to explain that the Divine presence in the Temple was not built for G-d, but for us humans, a place where mere mortals can experience the Divine. All of our lives, and all day long we are involved in our mundane struggle for survival; the holy Sanctuary provides us with a sacred environment where G-d rests among us, offering us just that – sanctuary and protection from our pedestrian lives, where we can rest our weary souls and find some heavenly consolation.

But when read closely, “build Me a sanctuary and I will rest among them,” it is very obvious that the Sanctuary is not just a place for us to meet G-d, but also a place for G-d to “rest” His presence.

This point is only amplified when G-d tells Solomon (the builder of the first temple in Jerusalem): “Heavens and heavens of heavens cannot contain me; only this house can.” How ever you explain it, G-d clearly did not feel at home in the infinite cosmos – despite all their grand and magnificent glory. Until the temple was built on planet Earth G-d did not have a place to “rest.”

“G-d traveled a journey of 500 years to acquire Himself a name,” states a cryptic Midrash (Kohelet Rabba 7:2). Loneliness, it appears, is not merely a mortal concern. The Almighty Himself is in search for “company.”

I find the concept both disturbing and comforting. At times, we all experience moments of existential loneliness. Regardless of all our loved ones, of all our accomplishments and accolades, deep (or not so deep) inside ourselves there is a part that always remain very much alone. We may distract ourselves, party away, get carried off by all types of stimulation and entertainment; but at the end of the day, that silent isolated center beckons from within.

Indeed, the deeper you travel into your innermost recesses, the less anyone can enter that space, the harder it is to express your self, the more alone you are. At your most intimate core, you are all alone.

A lonely verse in the sad book of Kohelet captures the sentiment: “There is one who is alone with no second, and he has neither son nor brother” (Ecclesiastes 4:8).

What then is so comforting about this loneliness? It’s comforting to know that we are not alone in our loneliness. G-d too is very lonely on top, in His core and essence.

This loneliness derives from strength, not weakness, from the fact that G-d is absolutely unique, “He is one, and there is no other like Him.” The same with our core: Our most lonely place – our essence – is a reflection of our profound individuality and inimitability. You are alone in that intimate place not because you are a pariah or because you are loathed; you are alone at your center because you are utterly unique, in a way that no one else can really “get you.”

Your essence may not be a very dramatic place. It does not have the hoopla and fireworks that comes along with all the busy machinations of our lives; it does not have the “party” element that accompanies our social interactions. When we are involved with more outer, superficial levels, we can celebrate and experience these moments with others. But your essence, though it isn’t very colorful, is your unique center, and as such, you experience it alone.

And yet, as special as the Divine Essence may be, G-d traveled on a journey to find “company,” to find a home in which He can rest. Divine revelation manifests in the “heavens and heavens of heavens;” the beauty of nature captures the majesty of the Divine Designer. But, G-d is His lonely Essence, rests and feels at home only in the Sanctuary in Earth.

Same with us: Just like G-d, we are not satisfied with living “within,” isolated and apart from others. We need to build a space that we can call home; a sanctuary where we find respite; an environment where we can finally rest our lonely souls. It’s one thing to find solace in family and friends; it’s quite another to find a comfortable home for the lonely core of our souls.

[The mystics explain that “One who is alone” is the level of the Divine Infinite Light that does not manifest in relationships (“He has neither son nor brother”). The concept of relationships is only in the way the Divine manifests in the finite – in the structure of the ten spheres, the ten building blocks of existence (Ohr HaTorah on Kohelet, p. 1115). However, the ultimate purpose is to unite the infinite and the finite, the “one who is alone” with our relationships].

So the next time you feel all alone, remember two things: You are not alone; your loneliness is shared by every soul and by G-d Himself. Every essence is fundamentally alone.

Second: Build a sanctuary out of your material life, sanctify the money and belongings you were blessed with – and that will provide your lonely essence – and the Essence of the G-d – a warm home in which to rest in comfort.

Dear Rabbi J.

A friend forwarded me your last article ( True Communication: The Secret of Anochi). Very powerful piece. As a therapist I was very intrigued by your description of true communication, how a soul reaches into another soul. I see that as the key to all healing. I was wondering whether you have ever developed any more specific therapeutic guidelines based on Torah thought, in the spirit of soul communication.

Blessings to you and your wonderful work,

Gloria P.

Dear Gloria,

Thank you for your very kind words, and I bless you in return for success in healing many souls. Here is an excerpt from a paper that I once wrote titled “The Basic Principles of Therapy, from a Torah Perspective”. Please see this as a draft. And I welcome your feedback and comments.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF THERAPY
(from a Torah perspective)

1. Problems are never what they seem to be. Aggravation and upsetness is never for the reasons people say or even think.

2. Inter-personal difficulties originate in intra-personal ones.

3. The root of all conflicts is the dichotomy between body and soul.

4. The subjective self is unable to totally rise above itself to discover the true root of his/her issues. One needs an objective and intelligent observer to help him examine himself (the necessary criteria for an observer, see below #10).

5. Every human being was created independent; a self contained entity with a unique role. In the image of G-d who is one and indivisible.

6. Every person’s soul remains pure and intact. And good. Abuse and harm – all forms of distortion – can only occur in the channels that connect the soul to conscious or sub-conscious experience. The difference between people is not in their having a soul but in their awareness of it.

7. Every one has the capacity to access their unscarred soul. Every one must assume responsibilty for themselves (rather than blame another for their problems). The help they need is only in accepting that responsibility and unraveling the distortions and resulting confusion, and charting a course toward positive growth.

8. The teacher and helper’s (therapist’s) role is just that: helping the individual achieve clarity, accept responsibility and learn the proper method to access their soul. Like a gardener, who tears out the weeds allowing the flowers to emerge.

9. Two major obstacles in this process are: a) Denial. The inability to recognize the existence of a problem, which of course compounds the problem many times over and has a snowball effect of adding on layer after layer of new distortions and complications. Half the cure is awareness of the illness. b) Confusion caused by the mix of healthy and unhealthy behavior mechanisms. This makes it extremely difficult to distinguish between the two, which in turn adds to the denial process.

10. The basic necessary requirements of a good teacher and therapist:

a) Care and sensitivity. b) Empathy. c) Wisdom. d) Knowledge and experience, competence and skill, in the study of human nature. e) Trusting. f) Humility. g) Absolute respect for human dignity and independence; that every person has to assume personal responsibility for his behavior. In Jewish terms: Complete faith in G-d and the divine soul in each person created in G-d’s own image. h) Total conviction that all human experiences are part of a process of growth. i) Flexibility and imagination. Appreciating and respecting the differences between people and thus not fit them in to any mold (while not compromising #h). j) Recognition of one’s own limitations and subjectivity. k) Methodology and technique. l) Acceptance without question of all the above requirements.

The process of therapy generally breaks down into the following steps:

1. Establishing trust and opening a channel of communication.

2. Hearing the problems and helping define them from the student or client’s perspective.

3. Guiding the client to slowly redefine the problems from a more honest and objective perspective. Including an examination of the client’s responses and blind-spots.

4. Establishing that the client is responsible for himself [if he is not, than he needs another form of help]. Defining what that responsibility entails.

5. Specifying and defining unequivocally the roles of therapist and client. Making it absolutely clear that the therapist is trained only to help the client help himself. The therapist provides care and support, but is not a crutch and does not initiate the cry and need for help. It is not a personal, reciprocical relationship. These points have to be emphasized time and again, as deemed necessary.

6. Recognizing if this particular therpaist-client dynamic is not going to work. This can be for a variety of reasons, including sometimes the humble recognition on the part of the therapist that the best therapist can only help one who is willing to help himself, which often needs the client to have hit rock-bottom and desparately seek help. No therapist can replace that cry for help.

7. Developing a process of movement and growth with the intended goal to rise up above yourself and relate to a higher reality. This must be done in a step by step basis, timed at the pace of the client, enabling him to internalize it.

8. Defining the objective in simple terms. Consistently reviewing the goal and illustrating how all the many elaborate steps in reaching the goal are but a means to that higher end. Establishing this is crucial in the process, firstly because it gives the client (and the therapist) a sense of direction and keeps him from wandering off due to different distractions. Second, it treats the client with respect, knowing that he is being guided to help himself, and empowers the client with the feeling of control over his own life.

9. Persistence and tenacity, never losing sight of the initial goal.

10. Consistency in the devotion and care for the client.

11. Assurance and reassurance of progress. Acknowledging the potential and, indeed, need for setbacks; but recognizing that the primary goal is not how quick and how far one reaches, but steady movement rather than inertia. Emphasizing that any movement, frontwards or backwards, any sensation, pain or pleasure, anger or joy, is better than lethargy and numbness.

12. Frequent review (with an objective party) of the  therapist’s decision-making process. With special emphasis on the therapist’s attitudes and feelings.

13. Recognizing when to let go. When to allow the client to walk (or fly) on his own, even at the expense of falling. Only then can he truly learn to walk on his own. Actually this should be rephrased: During the entire therapeutic process the client should be walking (and falling) on his own with gentle guidance from the therapist. The therapist must recognize if the client is becoming to dependent on the therapist and then help him become self-dependent.

Pitfalls to be wary of from the client’s side:

1. An overly manipulative client who wants to engage the therapist in battle or enjoys mind-games.

Solution: If the therapist is unable to make any progress due to the client’s attitude – confront (sometimes gently) the client. Establish the reasons for his attitude and if it can be overcome. If not – make it clear to the client why the therapy cannot continue under such circumstances.

2. Overdependence on the therapist. This is a particularly sticky problem because: a) the client needs to trust the therapist and often has trust issues with a pattern of no one to depend on in life, b) of the frequent need for “transference.”

Solution: Absolute faith and respect of an inividual’s personal space and responsibilty, recognizing that no one (even with the greatest effort) can ever enter into the “alone” space (the most intimate space) of another individual. That is how G-d created humans. In the words of Hillel: “Im ayn Ani Le Mi Le,” “If I am not for myself who will be for me.” The trained and G-d- fearing therapist knows that “Im ani l’atzmi moh ani,” “If I am for myself what am I,” doesn’t compromise the “I”, but only comes to teach us that with the help of another one can learn to enhance and access their own “I”.

Only with absolute acceptance of G-d can a human therapist learn to rise above himself and help another with total devotion, and give the client confidence that his dependence on the therapist will not compromise the client’s “I”. (see also below)

Pitfalls to be wary of from the therapist’s side:

3. An overly manipulative therapist. Especially an intelligent one who can manipulate the client, even if it’s in the client’s best interest. Where do you draw the line between healthy and unhealthy manipulation?

4. The sense of control that a therapist assumes over the client’s life hearing the client’s most intimate issues, without any reciprocity.

5. The affirmation a therapist gets from the client’s trust in him which can lead to a reverse dependence or “counter-transference.”

Solution (to #3-5 above): In addition to the obvious methods of constant case review particularly with an objective supervisor, the Torah requires of the therapist an uncomprising selflessness, total egolessness, to the extreme that the therapist has to be the harshest judge of himself, and he must subject himself to total scrutiny by someone he respects and trusts.

The therapist’s approach in dealing with a client must be with the greatest awe and humility, recognizing the enormous responsibilty he carries of being allowed to enter into the most sacred, intimate recesses of the soul of G-d’s child. He has to visualize G-d standing over him at all times and watching carefully: how are you dealing with my child? Nothing less is required of the therapist.

The last night of his life the great Chassid Reb Gershon Ber was asked “what do you look forward to?” He replied: “To a life of no lies and no deception.”

Another Chassid, a ninety-year old man by the name of Reb Aaron Biyeshnikovitzer, would say: “G-d Almighty, 90 years I have lied; give me at least one day of honesty…”

We live in, what Kabbalists call an “alma d’shikra,” a deceptive world – and we lie.

Are we actually lying all the time? Even if it’s true that duplicity may come easily to us, and that many people live deceitful lives, can we say that all people are lying all the time? There are truthful people who do not lie. So what did these spiritual individuals mean by saying that we are living a life of lies?

The mere fact that we live in a world in which can say one thing and mean another demonstrates that the world is inherently a “deceptive” one. In a world of truth two-faced behavior would simply be inconceivable. In a seamless universe, there would be no place for any inconsistency.

Take children, for instance. Before they learn the art of deception from “seasoned” adults, children simply do not know how to lie. The reason is because they do not live in a dichotomous universe. For children everything is seamless: What you see is what you get.

Try to remember the first time you lied. You will not be able to. Why? Because it was a completely unnatural thing, that was not part of who you truly are. As young children, the first time we hear our parents lie or disappoint us, we simply believe them. (That’s why abuse endured at a young age has such devastating effects: It wounds our deepest vulnerable innocence). It takes sustained deception – time and again – to finally jade our impressionable spirits. Once we accept the “fact” that people lie, we become liars ourselves, and then we never turn back. Once we crossover from the world of honesty to the world of deception, we no longer remember the previous world of truth, or even the place and time when we crossed over.

How sad.

Historically speaking, the dichotomy entered our consciousness with Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Prior to that fateful moment there was seamlessness flow between matter and spirit, body and soul – between actions and beliefs. Therefore Adam and Eve were unashamed by their own nudity. Like newborn children they were not conscious of their own “egos” and had no independent sense of “self,” thus their sexuality was seamlessly part of their Divine beings.

After they ate from the Tree of Knowledge, after they tasted and experienced good and evil, their innocence was lost, and now they sensed themselves as independent selves from their source. No they were ashamed of their own nakedness, and covered themselves. G-d therefore asked Adam “where are you?” (even though G-d surely knew where Adam was physically): It was like asking someone who you see “spacing out” even though the person is standing before you. G-d was saying to Adam “where have you gone, where has your spirit and consciousness gone. I don’t recognize you anymore. I don’t see your Divine Image radiating from your being.”

When an entity is completely aligned with its purpose, there is no dichotomy and no room for disunity. Deception is caused by duality – a result of an entity becoming disconnected from its soul, its purpose – its essence.

Mystically speaking, the root of the “deceptive world” originates from the great tzimtzum – the concealment of the Divine energy that is the soul of all existence. Once the source is concealed and our independent consciousness emerges, duality becomes the “norm:” Our agenda is no longer aligned with the purpose of our beings.

So there you have the beginning of all deception. The first deception of them all is actually G-d deceiving us humans by hiding His presence from us! The rest, as they say, is history. Once matter is disconnected from spirit, and form from function, once we are disconnected from our inner selves – we are living a “lie.” When we do not perceive the force that gives us life – the very purpose of our being, our raison d’être – we have the ability to lie to ourselves and to others. When we don’t feel that we are all part of one integral unity, we are able to hurt ourselves and others.

Though we can also tell the truth, we are fundamentally trapped in a world of deceit – intentional or unintentional – a world where the package can completely conceal what lies within, and “sugarcoated” images can indeed be killing us.

But therein also begins our search for truth; our search for our inner self. Our seeking out what makes us human and the entire universe tick.

Because after all is said and done, no matter how duplicitous life can be, there is a voice inside of us that seeks seamlessness and is not at peace with fragmentation and duality. We are disturbed when we are torn apart by scattered agendas.

Integration resonates with us. Truth resonates; dishonesty does not. We feel at home when we are, well, at home – when all of us, our inside and our outside, is aligned.

From the day we lost our innocence, we are desperate to rediscover it. Innocence, childhood, truth, spontaneity, enchantment, seamlessness – these are attributes we adults seek out all our lives.

Everybody has their “Rosebud.”

True love and intimacy – the place where we feel we most belong – is a taste of this seamless flow. Any experience that unites who you are and what you do feels right.

Any this is the power of a moment of truth.

Try to remember the last time you had such a moment? You’ll recall that though it may have been a moment, it is an eternal moment; one that touched you in the deepest place, and one you will never forget.

And if you do forget it, it is only because you have allowed the forces of life to take you back to the duality of existence.

The secret to all happiness and fulfillment is to be able to hold on to your moments of truth; to allow them to carry you through the rest of life when honesty is not always evident.

The key is to never forget the deeper truths of life. Easier said than done. The pursuit of money, power, pleasure and all other obsessions in a post-tzimtzum agnostic reality so consume our lives that we hardly have time for moments of truth, let alone for holding on to them.

The tentacles of the tzimtzum entangle us in a mesh that conceals even the fact that we live in a state of concealment (the Baal Shem Tov calls it “double concealment”).

Yet, it is not an airtight reality. We have many reminders of the inner truth. We have many moments of inspiration. We have music and love. We have faith. We have the resonating factor: That honesty resonates more than dishonesty.

And then we have our children: Those gentle souls that remind us of our own innocence. Our children give us a second lease on life: Through them we can reconnect and regain our own inner truths.

3318 years ago a nation had a collective moment of truth. A fleeting moment, but what a moment it was! The Sinai moment changed the world forever. It introduced civilization to the world.

Such are true moments of truth.

No coincidence that children played a prominent role at Sinai. They were the ultimate guarantors that Torah would be upheld and perpetuated.

Let your children into your life. You may need them more than they need you.