November 30th, 2017
Do you ever feel all alone wrestling with a mysterious ghost on a dark and desolate night?
And when you are alone at night — both literally and figuratively, as in: alone in your own shadows — do you feel guilty like a thief or a gambler, or proud like an angel?
Have life’s battles changed you? Have they wounded you? Perhaps left you limping?
Do you recognize yourself, or are you covered in the “dust” of the material world you are consumed by?
Most if not all of us are faced more often than not with these dilemmas. Some of us cope by simply avoiding these issues to the point of denial, or by drifting, over the years, into a state of (conscious or unconscious) resignation, peppered with the excuse that this is the “way of all flesh:” Erosion of our enthusiastic ideals, sinking into a state of silent (or not so silent) desperation.
Life, after all, goes the argument, breaks all people. The battles wear us down. We are weak and fragile creatures. Let us just be.
And as the night descends, and we crawl into our own little dark crevices, where we are left feeling all alone — what secrets do we carry? Where do we escape to as the light dims and no one is (or seems to be) watching? What dark skeletons lurk in our murky closets?
Well, if any of these questions plague you, don’t feel so alone.
Over 3500 years ago a man was left alone one dark night. All night he valiantly fought a difficult battle which, as dawn broke, he ultimately won. And in his victory he gave us all the hope, courage and strength to win any of our battles in the dark night.
His battle embodies the persecutions throughout history – the battles of life, the perpetual struggle with evil, both collective and personal.
In most dramatic terms, this week’s Torah portion relates the story how “Jacob remained alone and a stranger wrestled with him until the break of dawn. When he saw that he could not defeat him, he touched the upper joint of Jacob’s thigh. Jacob’s hip joint became dislocated as he wrestled with him.” As a result Jacob “was limping because of his thigh.”
The stranger was Esau’s guardian angel, and the battle represented the struggle between Jacob and Esau, archetypes of the two polar forces in existence which stand in perpetual battle: Spirit and matter, the scholar and the warrior – the body’s selfish survival drive and the soul’s yearning for transcendence. (See The Dust of History and The Dislocated Hip.)
Within each of us we have both these voices tugging at us in opposite directions. Virtually every choice we make poses two options: Should I take care of my own needs or should I help another? Should I be a taker or a giver? Am I here to serve myself or to serve a higher cause? Each of us is wrestling, in one way or another, with a “stranger.”
However, the battle is not always with the same intensity; it goes through stages – night and day. The dark night represents the sinister. The morning light epitomizes the bright. We live in a dark universe, which shrouds the inner light of spirit. Transcendence in this material world is not easily gained. Yet, each of us experiences sacred moments when we feel spiritually strong.
When darkness falls and our souls are in a lull, when we cannot see clearly and our senses are numbed – we then become vulnerable to the material forces that attack at our very integrity.
Jacob’s wrestling with Esau’s angel through the night represents all the battles of our lives, beginning with the biggest battle of them all – between the material and the spiritual.
The tension between matter and spirit is deep and difficult. Yet even then, the soul (Jacob) cannot be defeated. But the material forces are relentless. Even when the essence of our beings cannot be hurt, matter’s inherent narcissism “touches” our extremities – the part of your life which is vulnerable and exposed to the elements.
As the Zohar explains: The angel saw that Jacob was strong throughout – protected on both sides by his fathers, Abraham and Isaac, and he could not defeat him. So he attacked and wounded his thigh – the part that protrudes from and is outside of the body (Zohar I 146a. 171a).
“When he saw that he could not defeat him” – because the higher faculties of Jacob were completely protected – “he touched the upper joint of his thigh”, which connects to the legs, representing our mechanical behaviors and commitments. When a person acts mechanically, and his behavior is hollow – lacking intellectual intensity and emotional passion – he is at his most vulnerable. And that’s where the crass forces of materialism attack and have the power to injure.
The enemy always goes after our weakest link, our blind spots.
Spiritually and psychologically speaking: Nothing can harm you when you are on a spiritual high and feel strong and committed to your higher calling; when your mind and heart and actions are all aligned. But then there are times when we may feel overwhelmed by the struggle for material survival, overcome by material pressures, and spiritually disconnected. In times like this, we are vulnerable and prone to be wounded in the process of the struggle.
But Jacob’s experience also tells us that despite the wound, we remain intact and cannot be defeated. Moreover, we ultimately will be healed. Just as the sun came out and began to heal Jacob, until he was entirely healed (see Rashi 33:18), we too will be healed in the dawn of redemption.
As it is in the microcosm of our personal struggles, so is it in the macrocosm of global battles: The stranger’s night-long battle with Jacob refers to the long history of Jewish persecution. In the words of the Midrash: During the night of Exile, the nations of the world and the kingdom of Edom (Esau) wrestle with Jacob, until the dawn of redemption (Midrash Lekach Tov).
When the “stranger” touched – struck – Jacob’s hip socket, “he touched the tzaddikim and tzidkoniyot (the righteous men and women), the prophets and the prophetesses, that will spring from him [Jacob] in the future, specifically in the generation of the Roman persecution after the Temple’s destruction (Bereishis Rabba 77:3). Jacob’s wound is a collective scar resulting from all the battles of history. As Nachmanides explains: This episode refers to all the suffering and persecutions that the children of Jacob would endure at the hands of the children of Esau. Despite their horrible suffering, and deep wounds, they would prevail. Even the wounds that they would endure would ultimately heal, as it was by Jacob, in the final redemption (Ramban 32:25. Chinuch Mitzvah 3).
Is there a person on earth that does not carry a wound or two? How many of us are limping – even if we may know how to hide the fact – from the imbalance in our lives, the dissonance between our spirits and our bodies, between our higher ideals and the pressures of survival?
Each of us is wrestling with the conflicting forces in our lives.
But the dawn always comes. And after all the battles, the “stranger” recognizes that he cannot prevail over our spirit. So he attacks our weakest point; our doubts, our tenuous commitments, our mechanical activities. He wounds the part of us that is immersed in the “means” – in work and making a living, where we are most likely to be disconnected from our souls.
This may also explain why Jacob asked the angel (when the angel pleaded that he release him: “Let me go, for the day breaks”): “Are you a thief or a gambler, that you are afraid of the morning?” Money on its own, with no spiritual direction, becomes corrupt, either in the form of thievery or gambling. To which the angel replied: “I am an angel, and from the day that I was created my time to sing praises to G-d has not come until now” (Chulin 91b).
So when we look at ourselves coming out of night’s shadows, ask yourself: Are you going into hiding like a thief or a gambler, or are you an angel emerging to sing your song?
And despite any wound we may incur, these wounds will heal. Jacob forces the “stranger” to bless him, and all of us. Ironically, the “stranger” – the “angel” and power of materialism itself – even as it wounds us also blesses us with the name “Israel” – you will prevail over man and the Divine. Built into the very wound is the power to heal from any wound, whether it be man-made or Divine-made!
Where do we stand now?
After all the history of human suffering, we have prevailed. We are here – and the world has become a more refined place.
We are hurt but intact. Wounded, limping, handicapped, our nerves frayed, we are close to the finish line of our grueling journey.
A battle that began over 3570 years ago is about to come to an end.
We are now asked to hold on, just as those before us have held on, to never become resigned, to know that despite all the challenges and the wounds, we will be victorious – both personally and collectively.
Tags: spiritual and material, matter and spirit
Posted in Biblical, Weekly Parsha, Bereishit, Torah Personalities, Torah, Vayishlach, Esau, Jacob | No Comments »
November 29th, 2017
Repeating mistakes is demoralizing: Few things make you feel more stuck and frustrated than blundering over and over again? It takes sustained and consistent effort, but it is possible to stop repeating mistakes. Try the following:
Do something differently.
Stopping the cycle of repeated mistakes is like breaking a habit. It requires doing something differently. New actions help create new neural pathways. They will open your mind and body to new possibilities.
Like breaking any habit, it takes both thought and action to change your behavior. When you have identified the root error in your thinking which is causing you to repeat a mistake, then break the habit by doing something differently. Your new action might be a different mistake, but it still will help you to create new neural pathways. It will open your mind and body to new possibilities.
Leave your comfort zone.
Another way of breaking a pattern is leaving your comfort zone. When you are used to doing something, even if it is a mistake, it becomes comfortable. And comfort creates inertia. Find ways to transcend your comfort zone — even in small ways. It doesn’t always take a drastic change to stop you from repeating mistakes!
Nip the mistake in the bud.
Some mistakes can be rectified on the symptom level. But for many mistakes, the key to eliminating them resides at a deeper-than-surface level. It’s harder to see the root of a mistake than its symptomatic manifestation due to good old human subjectivity. When getting at the “why” of a mistake, look for patterns and try to retrace them, with honest introspection, to the deeper, underlying causes that shape your actions. Seek to change your way of thinking, not just your behavior.
Go deeper into this subject: Think Different | What to Do When You Make a Mistake | Did G-d Want Adam & Eve to Eat the Fruit? | How to Create a New Habit | Beyond Virtue | Unplugged
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Tags: subjectivity, Habits, Mistakes, self-help, comfort zone
Posted in Soul Gym, Personal Life, Emotions & Psychology | 1 Comment »
November 27th, 2017
Individual Sins or Cultural Inevitabilities?
As the casualties of the “Weinsteining” effect continue to mount – striking down seemingly invincible idols across Hollywood and Washington – I am forced to take a step back from the carnage and ask what this is all really about. Unfortunately, American society has no shortage of crimes and coverups; from corporate greed that steals from millions, corrupt politicians who sell their countries interests for votes, and a dishonest media that confuses facts for clicks, our country’s character is under siege across numerous fronts. And yet, this hunting spree of public outrage has zeroed in on a single target: Harvey Weinstein and those like him. How and why has this come to be?
A central component of psychoanalysis, accepted by virtually all psychologists today, is the theory of repression. According to Freud, when our unconscious mind detects a psychological “event” capable of disrupting our normal functioning, it acts to hide the existence of that stimulus from our conscious perception. This can take the form of a forgotten memory, or a misplaced emotion, or even a false sense of identity. Far from being a passive reflection of our true psychological makeup, our consciousness is actually carefully constructed in order to hide those aspects of ourselves which might cause us too much pain or trauma.
Unfortunately, instead of fixing the problem, repression often allows the painful item to continue festering just below the surface, resulting in psychological disorders and complexes. Think about those times in which you’ve chosen to downplay a problem at work, in your home, or with yourself in order to avoid having to deal with it. Did the problem go away on its own? Of course not. More likely, it grew until the point where you had no choice but to deal with the consequences of your own dereliction.
Therefore, an essential aspect of psychoanalytic treatment is the process of recovering those repressed memories or emotions in order to release the pent up energy in a constructive and healthy manner.
But the same process occurs on the societal level as well. We rage at football players who refuse to stand, so that we don’t have to acknowledge the feelings of abandonment these players are expressing. In other words, when we can’t handle the disease, we attack the symptoms. Weinstein and Co. were not created ex nihilo; they are symptoms of a far larger societal breakdown. Nourished by a culture of selfishness, pleasure addiction, and materialism, their acts are indicators of a far more elusive and dangerous illness that can’t simply be erased by a hip social media campaign or weekend rally.
While we’re hard at work suppressing the symptoms of social failure, we allow ourselves a self-righteous sigh of relief. After all, there’s hardly time to repair the widening cracks in our foundation when we’re hard at work applying fresh coats of gleaming paint.
More: Meaningful Takes on Sexuality
Tags: gender eqaulity, geder, sexuality
Posted in Trending, Women & Men, Sexuality | 3 Comments »
November 22nd, 2017
More Status Less Quo
If it can be broken, it can be fixed – Chassidic masters
There is a natural rhythm to life. At some point in life this rhythm gets disrupted. And the rest, as they say, is history. The remainder of our lives we are in search of regaining our rhythm.
This in essence is the story of life. No matter who you are you are always going through cycles. Life is never a plateau. It’s more like hills and valleys. If we are blessed the cycle is symmetrical. If we are not, the crests and troughs tend to the extremes.
This is also the story of the Torah. Constant movement is the undercurrent of the entire Torah. Adam and Eve banished from Paradise. Cain wandering the earth. Noah riding the ark through the raging flood. Abraham’s Lech Lecho – perhaps the single most defining journey in history. Jacob’s leaving home, and his subsequent life of continuous displacement (discussed below). The uprooting of Joseph and his descent into Egypt. Only to be followed by Jacob and his family, as they begin their lives in a foreign land.
And that’s only in the book of Genesis. Enter Exodus and a new radical series of journeys begin. Starting with the Egyptian exile and bondage, the story continues that even after the Exodus (yet another journey), the journey is only about to begin. For heaven’s sake: The Jewish people suffered 210 years under Egyptian oppression, why not let them go home and live in peace?… But no, following the Exodus the people begin their final journey related in the Bible: Their forty years of wandering in the Sinai wilderness.
Indeed, the rest of the entire Torah takes place during the journeys in the desert. A chapter is even named “Journeys” (Massei), documenting their 42 journeys. The Torah concludes with the end of the journey, as the people arrive to the east bank of the River Jordan. No, it doesn’t tell us about their entry into the Promised Land (that happens only later in the book of Joshua). We never read about them reaching their destination – the one aspired to by Abraham and the people from the beginning of time.
And the story never ends. After the relatively brief respite during the Temple period, the people are exiled once again, and until this very day we are on the move, migrating from land to land, escaping, running, expelled – anything but quiet reprieve. The only sure stability is the fact that we are always moving.
So, what is this thing about constant movement? It’s the story of life’s rhythm. The Torah is telling us that the secret to mastering your life is by learning to navigate the waves and cycles.
The Ohr Hachaim, at the beginning of this week’s Torah portion, explains the universal application of the opening verse: “And Jacob left Beersheba and went toward Charan.” “Jacob left Beersheba” refers to the descent of each soul to Earth. First it leaves and descends from the “fountain of seven” (Beersheba), the seven emotional spheres in which the soul is rooted. From there it descends and enters the world of wrath (Charan).
In other words: Life itself – from its very beginning – is a journey. Its essential nature is one of movement and rhythm.
If life were perfect – which it is not, because what then would be its point? – one could argue that we would be able to remain standing statically still in one never changing place.
But we are not perfect. And besides, even true perfection is not static. Humans see perfection as a destination: we work toward achieving a goal, and when we reach that place, we can retire. True, Divine perfection is an ever evolving reality, constantly reinventing itself and seeking out new expressions in a never ending infinite journey into the… infinite.
Movement then, is in essence life’s greatest blessing. For two reasons: As long as we live in a broken world, where injustice and cruelty reign, the status quo is unhealthy. Movement is our only salvation. The soul’s restlessness is our healthiest response to a world that just doesn’t seem right.
But movement is not just about getting away from the unhealthy. The nature of healthy perfection is distinguishable by its mobility. To be alive is to be awake. Every live thing moves, our theologians teach us.
This is the story of rotzo and shuv – the inner rhythm that characterizes all life forces. Our breath and pulse express this flow on a microcosmic level. The same is true about all of existence, which, in the words of the mystics, is essentially cosmic breath, throbbing, pulsating energy.
This is the story of all the travels and travelers in the Torah. Jacob’s journey in particular, which embodies the soul’s journey to earth, captures the paradox. Jacob represents the ultimate harmony of tiferet, yet of all the Patriarchs he was the one that was displaced most of his life. Harmony is not a static, passive state. It is the ability to navigate the rough and unpredictable terrain. Though Jacob suffered in his life, he had this strength, and his journey infused his children with the ability to ride through every challenge they would face.
In our latest workshop one thing that struck me was that many of the participants identified the rhythm of tension and resolution with breakage and repair. I never quite thought of it this way. But in truth, the yearn and return of rotzo and shuv, the tension and resolution is a form of breaking and rebuilding.
When you are tense about something, your feelings should motivate you healthily to change your situation, to get away from the things that cause you anxiety. You “break” away from the past, and open yourself up to build a new future.
In search of identifying rotzo and shuv parallels, one of our friends presented an art form called pique assiette, in which shattered plates are used to create new images with the newly aligned broken pieces.
Kabbalistically speaking, the “shattering of the containers” (shevirat ha’keilim) in the primordial explosion in the world of Tohu (chaos), is a result of the disparity between the “containers” and “light.” One can say that this “shattering” is a form of “market correction.” Since existence is not in sync with its purpose, “shevirat ha’keilim” is the inevitable result of a misaligned world, with the objective of “tikkun,” to repair the fissure and reunite the “light” and the “containers,” spirit and matter.
The challenge is learning to dance – a dance to the true rhythms of life. Each of us has the rhythm within.
We are born with it. Observe the perfect rhythm of a breathing newborn. Seamlessness and innocence are the virtues of a child. But then our human experiences begin to disturb our rhythms. Like a stranger’s hand holding us down, our first disappointments, lies and deceptions throw our pendulum off course. As we are invalidated, abandoned and our dignity wounded, our outer selves become unsynchronized from our inner rhythm.
The rest of our lives we are in pursuit of discovering our seemingly lost balance and harmony. Every time we feel anxious we really are sensing that our outer clock is not in synch with our inner one. The next healthy step would be to synchronize the two.
The problem lies in the fact that we may not know the rhythm of our inner clocks. That’s why we need to observe and study the rhythms of rotzo and shuv in nature and science, in the arts and music, in business and finance, in every possible area of life. This allows us a backdrop – context with which to compare the misaligned rhythms in our psyches.
As we learn to train ourselves to see the rhythms all around us it gets increasingly easier to identify our own discrepancies.
Another good idea would be to monitor our own levels of tension and resolution. To facilitate this process, we created a “rotzo and shuv index” (don’t laugh, it actually works), which can help you determine your own levels, and then see what your cycles look like. If you would like to receive this index, together with instructions on how to use it, scroll down and download it now.
To be alive is to feel alive. What does “alive” feel like? It actually has no sensation. But one thing is for sure: Being alive is never static, never still, never inert. No one wants to see a flat line on a cardiogram G-d forbid. You want to see fluctuations, ebbs and flows – rotzo and shuv.
Fluidity, movement, mobility, flux – are all the vital signs of life. Don’t fight your restlessness; figure out how to dance the dance.
Tags: rotzo and shuv, dance, restlessness, rhythm, harmony, physics, life tools, higher reality, Jacob, divine perfection
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Bereishit, Soul & Mystical, Spiritual, Vayeitzei, Torah | 3 Comments »
November 22nd, 2017
Are you a good listener? (That is a trick question; only others you speak with can tell you whether you are good listener.) In our current culture many of us have become far better speakers than listeners. Some listen in order to talk — listening as a way of understanding your “customer” in order to know how to respond and “pitch” your idea. That attitude blocks true and effective communication, which consists of a mutual, two-way conversation where both participants are equal, without one person dominating over the other.
Whether you are at work, with your family, or among friends, here are four ways to improve your listening skills and relate to others better.
Silence and Serenity
Sit quietly and focus on the person you are listening to and what he or she is saying. Look at the person. Don’t allow yourself to get distracted. Don’t judge. Don’t react.
Get Out of the Way
Take yourself out of the picture. Avoid jumping to identify with or relate to what the other person is saying — don’t make their story about you. It’s not about you. It’s about them.
Attune Your Perception and “Cup Your Ears”
Open your ears and tune in to listen to the person speaking with you. Turn down the emotional noise of your other senses, and turn up the emotional volume of your hearing. “Cup your ears” and try to listen to the unspoken words as well; the “between the lines” feelings and sentiments being conveyed.
Care, Empathize and Acknowledge What You Are Hearing
It’s more than smiling and nodding — acknowledging what you are hearing requires care and compassion. Acknowledge the specific points the other person is making. Ask questions that lead to deeper clarity and conversation. Address the specific needs of the person to whom you are listening. Care.
Exercise: Remember a time in your life when someone listened to you effectively. Examine what he or she did that made you feel heard and understood. Record your answer in your MyMLC journal.
Go deeper into this subject: Listen to the Flames | Bringing Light to the Darkest Places | Comfort My People | The Talking Donkey | How Not to Say the Wrong Thing | The Art of Communication | Why Are You Not Connecting? | Fireworks
Tags: communication skills, communication, compassion, healthy relationships, listening
Posted in Soul Gym, Personal Life, Emotions & Psychology | No Comments »
November 16th, 2017
You witness a co-worker stealing money from your company. Do you ignore him, report him or confront him? You know that your neighbor is abusing his spouse. What action, if any, should you take? You see two people fighting in middle of Synagogue services. How do you react? The same question can be asked about any travesty that we witness.
Here is an example of one that occurred several years ago: Sitting in a restaurant in New York City I noticed a family eating at a table next to me. “How sweet,” I thought, “a nice couple taking out their three children on a beautiful night.” Until I noticed something very disturbing: The father was berating his young child, maybe 9-10 year old, and suddenly gave him a resounding slap on his face. I tried ignoring the scene and looked away, but the obvious tension around me made that very difficult, especially when the wife and husband began to argue. With every ensuing outburst it became more and more obvious that this was not an anomaly; we were dealing with a dysfunctional family. It didn’t require any psychological training to see that these children were living in an abusive environment – with an angry father, and a weak, helpless mother. The vibe was horrible. I could feel the bitterness, rage and fear permeating the table near mine. I had no doubt that these innocent children were subject to an ongoing assault in their own home.
What to do? I simply could not tolerate sitting there just blithely biting into another piece of steak (or whatever delicacy was on my plate), indifferent to the pain being heaped upon these vulnerable children.
Should I approach the father and speak with him? He certainly would not welcome my gesture – a perfect stranger intervening in his personal business. But should that even matter? Should I sit by quietly while witnessing offensive behavior? Or perhaps my meddling will only provoke him further, taking it out on his family later? And after all, what can I say to an abusive man in few mere minutes that will in any way help him and his children? Then again, is that a reason to just turn a blind eye fully cognizant of a crime being perpetrated? Should I be speaking to the wife and the children? Or alert authorities to the potential risk? Is that even ethical when I have no proof? After all, I did not know this family. I had no first hand knowledge what their home life was like. Can I make a move simply based on my instincts? On the other hand, perhaps I could prevent some damage being done?
You see – this is far from simple.
What would you do?
What would Abraham do?
The same question can be asked about every form of inappropriate behavior that we may witness: What is the right thing to do – to intervene or not?
The Torah lays out various guidelines as to our responsibility not to stand by silently and ignore the perpetration of a crime, as well as warning others of potential danger. We also have an obligation to reprimand a sinful person – first privately and gently, and if that does not help, publicly. But applying these rules requires a case-by-case analysis. How, for instance, do these doctrines apply to the restaurant incident? If your intervention will not help solve, and possibly even exacerbate, the problem, do you intervene? If you are not positive that a crime has been committed, can you pass judgment? After all, there is a due process that allows people the right of innocence until proven guilty. Can you act based on your “sense” that there is a serious problem?
I will share with you what I did in the Synagogue – after stating a key principle, based on the Torah’s universal values and its extraordinarily sensitive approach to dealing with the human condition, epitomized by Abraham.
First and foremost, Abraham showed exceptional kindness to everyone he encountered. Whether they were friends or strangers, family or visitor, allies or foes. Abraham even prayed for the infidels of Sodom.
The first thing Abraham did was open his home – his tent was open on all four sides – welcoming guests from whatever geographical or ideological direction they came. The Talmud relates that after graciously feeding his guests, he would ask them kindly to bless G-d for their meal. If they refused, the Midrash adds, he would tell them to pay for the food.
Abraham planted a tree in Beersheba, and there he called in the name of G-d, Lord of the Universe (Genesis 21:33). Resh Lakish said: Read not ‘and he called’ but ‘and he made to call’, thereby teaching that our father Abraham caused the Divine name to be uttered by the mouth of every passer-by. How was this? After [travelers] had eaten and drunk, they stood up to bless him; but, said he to them, ‘Did you eat of mine? You ate of that which belongs to the G-d of the Universe. Thank, praise and bless Him who spoke and the world came into being’ (Talmud Soteh 10b)
The axiom then is that only through first loving your fellow human being can you bring that person to love G-d. The best way to help inspire someone to improve his or her ways is by showing love to that person. Not as a gimmick or maneuver to warm that person up so that you can rebuke him, but simply, with genuine, sincere love – demonstrating that you really care.
What really lays at the heart of the resistance anyone has to hearing rebuke? Pride, fear of being judged, shame, exposure.
And conversely, what truly motivates us to try correcting a wrongful situation? Often it may come from arrogance, judgment, a sense of superiority and one-upmanship. It may also be that you enjoy putting others down. If your words of rebuke are condescending, rest assured that your words will not have an effect.
If however the other person feels that your words are coming from a heartfelt place, that you sincerely care about him, then he may be open to hear what you have to say.
Too much criticism is showered on people with wrong or ill intentions. For some strange reason, humans often enjoy criticizing others – whether it comes from insecurity, or makes them feel better about themselves, it’s just an ugly trait that people are capable of.
The single most important prerequisite before intervening in a travesty is your own selfless and loving attitude, and your genuine concern about the situation.
With that in mind – and remembering the frightful fistfight of my childhood – I approached the two people arguing, and asked them permission to say something. Startled, they both turned to me and asked what I wanted. Kindly, I stated that when they have a free minute I would like to ask them something. I guess due to the surprise, being caught unaware, or out of simple courtesy, they stopped their argument and waited for me to speak. All I said was this: “From a distance it appeared that you are both long-time friends who are having a dispute. And I was wondering if I can be of any assistance in resolving the argument. The reason I ask is because I and a few others are trying to pray, and your spat is disturbing us.”
One of the two gentlemen aggressively replied: “What we are talking about is none of your business.” Even as he was saying the words I could see that the other man was a bit ashamed, sheepishly withdrawing from the conversation.
Though I don’t believe that I resolved their problem, I successfully diffused it for that moment. And who knows? Maybe something positive would come of it…
In the restaurant, sadly, I admit to having done nothing. In retrospect, I feel that I should have said something to the father. But for some reason, at the time, I could not bring myself to do so. Not sure why. Now I think it was because I felt uncomfortable, and perhaps may have feared the backlash. Regretfully, had I perhaps cared a bit more, and felt more sensitive to the situation, I would have gotten over my own resistance, and simply called the father over to a side and said:
“You have such beautiful children. Such gentle souls. G-d must have really loved you to bestow you with such a gift to cherish and protect. It hurts me, in the deepest possible way, to see that these children have provoked you to raise your voice to them.”
Even if the father had told me to mix out of his business, I would have persisted: “I know it may not be my business, but please hear what I am saying. Your children are just so, so delicate…”
Would that have helped? Who knows? But it definitely would not have hurt…
What would you have done?
Your comments and suggestions to this critical discussion are welcome and necessary. Please share your thoughts.
Tags: rebuke, domestic violence, criticism, abuse, abused children
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Bereishit, Biblical, Abraham, Personal Life, Torah Personalities, Toldot, Torah, Pain & Suffering | 51 Comments »
November 8th, 2017
Lack of self respect is a lack of dignity. Conversely, intact dignity indicates a strong inner sense of security and self-worth — a state of being in which you know that you matter and can do anything you set your mind to. Self-respect is synonymous with a deep sense of inner confidence — not ego, but a grounded and realistic trust in yourself and in a power greater than yourself.
If you feel that you lack self-respect, work on building up your personal dignity. Personal dignity is a state of being rather than an action; a noun, not a verb. Here’s a few ways to establish (or regain) that state of being in your life:
Know What You Stand For
Everything from childhood traumas to societal pressure can interfere with your self perception and identity. In extreme cases of abuse, your identity might have been all but obliterated. To reclaim your identity, figure out what you stand for. Ask yourself: What do you care about? What do you value? What do you fight for, and where are you headed? Find one focused goal or cause upon which you can build and toward which you can direct your energy.
Stop Blaming Yourself
Your enemy is your own self-perception and self-defeating attitude. Do not give up on yourself. Thinking poorly of yourself is part and parcel of lacking personal dignity. To bolster your self-respect level, forgive yourself for whatever happened in your past, and view your potential as unlimited.
Protect Your Dignity
You cannot be at peace with yourself if you are not protecting your dignity like a mother bird protects her hatchling. Boundaries are a fundamental key to self-respect. Are there lines you should not be crossing? Do you need to be more private about certain aspects of your life? Where would you benefit from stronger boundaries?
Exercise: Spend some time writing in your MyMLC journal, or simply meditating, about what it would be like to go through a day with more self-respect. How would it change your interactions at work, at home, and on the street? Start living your vision now.
Go deeper into this subject: How to Live on Your Own Terms | One Small Step | Arise and Shine | Comfort My People | Your Guide to Personal Freedom Counting the Omer: Week Seven
Tags: dignity, self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, self-perception
Posted in Soul Gym, Personal Life, Emotions & Psychology | No Comments »
November 7th, 2017
What I Learned from Newport Cigarettes
I have never seen such bright white teeth! The vibrant young couple beamed at me from the huge billboard looming over the West Side Highway sporting an advertisement for Newport Cigarettes.
“Alive With Pleasure!” the most beautiful smiling faces called out to you. At the bottom of the billboard was the prerequisite white warning box: “Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease and may complicate pregnancy.” But no matter, the smile of this young couple was seductive enough to make you ignore the warning.
But besides seeing the power of advertising as well as those two perfect faces, I derived much more benefit that Newport could ever have imagined.
You see, I was on my way to a talk that I was scheduled to deliver at a “sheloshim,” a memorial service marking the thirtieth day from the passing of a fine man. I was asked to speak about the memory of the departed soul.
I was not sure what I was going to say. Until I saw the billboard. It gave me all the material I needed, and more.
The memorial service took place in the very same week as this one, when we read the Torah portion named Chayei Sarah. So I began my talk by citing the famous question: In Torah thought, a name expresses the essence of the entity called by that name. Chayei Sarah – lit. the life of Sarah – is a very strange name to call this portion, which discusses Sarah’s death and the events following her death. Indeed, from the very first verse of this portion nothing else is told to us except about Sarah’s death! How Sarah lived 127 years and died in Chevron, how Abraham came to eulogize and weep for her, how Abraham bought a burial plot for her, and finally how Abraham buried her there.
Sarah’s life is actually discussed in the previous two Torah portions. If the Torah wants to name a portion after Sarah’s life should it not have named the previous portion by that name?!
[Though it’s true that the names of the portions are associated with the opening words of the portion, this is not merely incidental. Since a name expresses the essence of the portion, the Torah could have found ways to use the right words at the opening of the portion to call it by an appropriate name that reflects the content of the portion].
Yet, precisely by controversially naming the portion that discusses Sarah’s death “the life of Sarah” the Torah provokes us, in its inimitable style, to ask the big question: WHAT EXACTLY IS LIFE? What exactly does it mean to be ALIVE?
The advertising agency for Newport Cigarettes would have us believe that life is fresh young faces, white teeth and blue eyes. They don’t show the true color of the smokers’ teeth. Neither do they show us an x-ray of their lungs.
And this image – gracing the West Side Highway and highways across America – is called life. Not just life, but “alive with pleasure!”
A perfect smile, of course, is another image that can be presented as shorthand for health and happiness, even though a photograph cannot tell you much about what is happening beneath the surface.
Bright teeth may catch the eye, but healthy teeth and gums depend on the less glamorous work of brushing, flossing, professional cleanings, and dealing with problems before they become painful.
Cosmetic treatments can also change the appearance of a smile, but there is a meaningful difference between making teeth look brighter and keeping the mouth genuinely healthy. A practice such as Irvine Dental Care can therefore be part of that distinction, whether someone is concerned about the appearance of their smile or simply wants to stay on top of routine dental health.
Regular dental services bring attention back to the parts of oral health that are easy to overlook when appearance takes center stage. Routine examinations, professional cleanings, restorative care, and guidance on daily hygiene all have a place in maintaining teeth and gums over time. Keeping these appointments consistent also gives patients a chance to discuss changes in their mouth before discomfort becomes the reason for seeking care.
Dental care can also become more specific when teeth need alignment, restoration, or closer monitoring. Treatment planning varies from person to person, and Westlake Orthodontics reflects the role that focused dental services play when alignment and bite concerns need attention. Combining specialized treatment with everyday preventive habits keeps the emphasis on a healthy mouth rather than relying on appearance alone.
The most convincing smile is not necessarily the one that looks perfect on a billboard; it is the one belonging to someone who can eat comfortably, speak without discomfort, and take care of their teeth for years rather than merely looking healthy for the camera.
Indeed, this is what modern material life (and perhaps it’s been this way from the beginning of time) has imposed upon us: Inundating us with a flurry of subliminal or overt images, that are meant to shape us with images to identify with. It’s called the world of projection. “Who are you?” has been replaced with “what do you want to look like?” As Madison Avenue cynics declare: It’s not important what actually happened, but what people think happened.
Projection. Spin. Buzz. Hype. Brainwashing. Call it whatever you like. But one thing it is not: reality.
What is valued in our world? What image are we most drawn to? Advertising executives analyzing ways to manipulate human emotions continuously peddle their products by projecting their association with images of youth, good looks, virility, and other pictures that seduce our senses.
A therapist friend of mine told me that he decided to change jobs and move into the advertising industry. He was unusually blunt with his reason: “Hey, therapists and advertising people are both in the same line of work,” he said. “They both have a profound understanding of human emotions. The therapist tries to nurture and heal the emotions; the advertiser tries to manipulate the emotions, and the pay is triple…!”
I guess after years of manipulating people’s emotions, he can then return to therapy and help those people heal…
I assure you that I’m not of the “fire and brimstone” type getting hysterical over the state of modern advertising. Advertising has great benefits and can serve a very powerful role in communicating a message. Much can be learned from advertising. I surely don’t want to offend any of my readers who may be in this industry, or for that matter, working for Newport Cigarettes.
I am simply using advertising and Newport as “scapegoats” (kosher guinea pigs) to demonstrate the images that shape our lives, much more than we may ever imagine.
Newport is not spending millions of dollars on their billboards as a public service. Their beautiful faced billboards are clearly selling cigarettes. So that image of life is definitely resonating and permeating our view of ourselves and our lives.
Yes, “Alive with Pleasure” is defined today by images – superficial and false – that we have bought into. Images that simply don’t exist in the real world. I challenge anyone to find a set of such gleaming white teeth, even belonging to non-smokers…
So what does it mean to be alive? On the surface it can be to look like that unrealistic couple adorning the billboard. Even if you get beyond billboards and TV, it may mean to be biologically alive: to breathe, walk and talk. To survive. For others alive may mean emotionally alive, in love, in a relationship. And for yet others it may mean being intellectually alive.
Is there more to life than all the above? Chayei Sarah, the life of Sarah, reveals for us a completely new definition and dimension of life.
The Torah tells us that life – true life – can really be recognized after the soul passes on. One could argue that as long as we are biologically alive our appeal and our influence are based on our physical presence and the power we wield. When do you know that someone is truly alive – an eternal life that never dies – when you see the effects and influence that have remained after they are physically no longer there. Paradoxically, we learn more about true life after death than before it.
The fact that we are discussing Sarah’s life over 3500 years after she has physically died, and are indeed gleaning lessons from her life as to the meaning of true, eternal life today – is the greatest tribute to her own eternity!
How many people do we remember even 100 years after their death, let alone three and a half millennia later?! Many people were very powerful while they were physically around, while they exercised power and control. But once they died, many of them were quickly forgotten, and the power they once so mercilessly wielded dissipated as quickly as it came.
Indeed, the Talmud tells us, corrupt people are considered dead even in their lifetimes. By contrast, righteous people are considered alive even in their deaths.
This is an awesome thought. Today, at the dawn of the ultra-modern 21st century we actually know and can retrace the exact steps, the exact location and activities that Sarah – and for that matter Abraham and so many other greats – took thousands of years ago. I never will forget the first time I visited the Machpeilah cave in Chevron in 1972, the burial place that Abraham bought, and where the four renowned couples are buried (Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and Leah). I just stood transfixed, staring at the area, completely overwhelmed by the fact that this was the spot where so many powerful Biblical events that I grew up with took place thousands of years ago.
Back “home,” in New York, this concept does not even enter one’s mind. When you walk the streets of Manhattan the most “historical” wonder you may come up with is how the White Dutch bought this island from the Lenape Indians for material worth $24 [60 Dutch guilders, which was calculated in 1874 to have the value of $24] – look now at the looming skyscrapers… And look at the value of this island today…
Does that make you feel alive? Does it help you live more wholesomely, does it assuage your existential loneliness or pain, does it help you or your children? Wow, a $24 investment turned into a multi-trillion dollar return! It’s as awesome and life affirming as the white teeth on the smiling Newport couple…
If you want to be acquainted with real life, look at Chayei Sarah, the life of Sarah – a woman, a wife and mother whose life, love and inspiration influences and motivates not only her husband and son (Isaac) but generations to come until this very day. Isaac recognized his bride by seeing that her illuminating aura resembled his mother’s. Today, women and girls light Shabbat candles every Friday eve (before sunset) as Sarah did. Lessons upon lessons of Sarah’s life infused millions of people with hope and direction for the last 3½ thousand years!
You tell me who is more alive: The most powerful CEO of our times or Sarah?
The life of Sarah (Chayei Sarah) after her death teaches us more about life than we learn from our own experiences of life. It teaches us that true life is spiritual life: The eternal things we do today are the ones that never die.
I offer a toast to Newport cigarettes for making us think about the meaning of being alive with pleasure.
So now, the irresistible, inevitable question: Do you feel that you are alive, truly alive?
Tags: spiritual and material, Culture, emotions, psychology, purpose of life, reality, pleasure
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Bereishit, Biblical, Sarah, Torah Personalities, Chayei Sarah, Torah | 2 Comments »
November 1st, 2017
This post is in honor of all the victims and survivors in Israel.
In situations like terrorist attacks, that you have no control over, the answer is to control what you can control: Your own life and destiny. The great mystic, the Baal Shem Tov teaches that you are like a mirror — everything you witness is a reflection of what you need to refine in your own world. When you witness violence, look carefully at the discord you experience (and perhaps perpetuate) in your own life. When you build a secure life, home, and family, you are building a secure world.
“Harmony in our personal lives brings harmony into the world.” – Rabbi Simon Jacobson
Concrete Suggestions for Bringing Peace Into Your Sphere of Influence
1. Stand for something: Do you know what your ideology is? What you stand for? Define your values, and build a life around them.
2. Educate others: Instead of complaining about ignorance in your world, shine light from your own corner. A small light dispels a lot of darkness. Leading by example is one of the most effective ways to demand a higher standard from your family and community.
3. Connect to something eternal: Lasting security comes not from external forces like governments and police, but from your connection to a power greater than yourself. It bolsters your sense of personal agency by giving you a solid spiritual foundation to stand on.
4. Engage with others: Reach out to people with different backgrounds than your own, and have a discussion about values and faith. Invite diverse guests to your home.
5. Stop judgmentalism: Review whether your faith and value system helps you to inspire others or to criticize others.
Every action you take has a ripple effect on the universe. Your acts of integrity, kindness, and generosity in your personal world have a transcendent power that anyone can imagine.
Go deeper into this subject: Balance | What Can We Do About the Recent Massacres? Lessons from Chanukah | The Plot Thickens: Jacob & Esau: Two Nation | Massacre in San Bernardino | The Importance of Home & Family | The Antidote to Rage: Inner Security
Tags: family, home, light and darkness, love your neighbor, leadership, education
Posted in Operation Iron Swords, Soul Gym, Social, Terrorism, Current Events | 1 Comment »
October 31st, 2017
Lessons from Abraham, Father of Ishmael & Isaac, On the Nature of Faith
Abraham was very troubled over his son [Ishmael] – Genesis 21:11
Why is he called Ishmael? Because in the future G-d will listen to the cry of the nation for what the children of Ishmael will do in the future, at the end of days… as it says (Psalms 55:20) ‘G-d will listen and answer’ (Midrash Pirkei d’Rabbi Eliezer ch. 32. Yalkut Mechiri Psalms 177)
The continuing saga of Abraham, Sarah, Ishmael and Isaac in this week’s Torah chapter continues to reflect the ongoing events of our times, and continues to provide us with clarity and direction as we face so much uncertainty around us.
In this week’s portion Isaac is born. Later, when Isaac’s mother Sarah sees Ishmael’s behavior she insists that Abraham send him away from their home. Abraham is very troubled by the prospect of sending his son away but G-d tells Abraham to not be distressed. “Do everything that Sarah tells you, send away your son. I will make him into a nation for he is your son.”
The chapter details Ishmael and Hagar’s exile and how G-d hears their prayer and promises Hagar: “do not be afraid…I will make of him a great nation.” The Torah relates that “G-d was with the boy. He grew and lived in the desert, where he became an expert archer.” Ishmael finally settles in the Paran Desert and marries a woman from Egypt.
Many contemporary lessons can be derived from this story. I would strongly suggest that we all read these chapters very closely, as they can help open up for us some of the mysteries shrouding today’s events.
Interestingly the section about Isaac’s birth and Ishmael’s exile is read in its entirety on the first day of Rosh Hashanah. This clearly demonstrates the centrality of the story, not just the birth of Isaac but also Ishmael’s journey and G-d’s promise to him.
Allow me to share some thoughts that come to mind upon reading this Torah portion.
Abraham, the man of absolute faith, passes on his passionate faith and commitment to G-d to his children, Ishmael and Isaac – the respective fathers of the Arab/Muslim world and the Jewish nation. [The legacy will later be passed on to Isaac’s children, Jacob, father of the Jewish people and Esau, father of the Western/Roman/Christian world (Edom)].
The evolution of religion and all its manifestations and distortions can be traced back to Abraham’s passionate faith and what he taught his children, and what they did or did not do with these teachings.
The greatest challenge facing religious faith is how to coexist with people of other beliefs without compromising yourself or others. How do you balance your own absolute beliefs with compassion for those that may not share your beliefs? Do you destroy those that have no faith or are of another faith? Do you tolerate them?
History is fraught with religious battles that were harsher than any others ever fought. More people were probably killed in the name of faith than in any other way. Up until the middle of the second millennium the Church dominated and imposed its beliefs on the masses. The Crusades and the Inquisition are some of the most infamous examples of ‘holy wars’ fought in the name of God.
What did Abraham teach his children about faith and coexistence?
In this week’s Torah portion G-d informs Abraham that He is going to destroy the wicked city of Sodom. What does Abraham do? He beseeches G-d not to destroy them lest innocent people be killed together with the wicked. G-d tells Abraham that if he can find 50 innocent people in the city He will spare the entire city. Abraham continues to negotiate: what about if there are 45 innocent people. G-d agrees not to destroy them for the sake of the 45. What about, 40, 30, 20, 10? In each case G-d agrees not to destroy them for the sake of the few innocent. Abraham gets it down to 10 people. And then realizing that there are no innocent people in Sodom, Abraham finally relents.
Abraham was not naïve. He knew that Sodom was a city of cruel and corrupt people. A city of infidels. Yet, not only does Abraham, the man of faith, not go and destroy these people or ask G-d to destroy them, but even when G-d Himself wants to destroy them, Abraham defends them and accuses G-d: “Shall the world’s Judge not do justice?!”
Why did Abraham not take an approach that those that defy G-d need to be destroyed? After all, Abraham was not complacent about G-d. He paid heavy prices for his faith and beliefs. He dedicated his life for it and was ready to die for G-d. Why did he take upon himself the cause of saving Sodom? Because Abraham’s faith was not about himself, it was about G-d. All people are G-d’s children and Abraham could not tolerate the death of any of G-d’s creatures. When you love G-d, you love what your beloved loves, and G-d loves his creations.
Abraham was committed to G-d, and this commitment meant that he was committed to G-d’s children – to educate and inspire them to follow G-d’s law. And when someone was corrupt, Abraham taught him with compassion how to repair his ways.
Faith in G-d is faith in the human race created in the Image of G-d. Faith in the human spirit. Faith in G-d is about repair and transformation, not about destruction.
True, the end result was that Sodom had no redeeming factor and was so corrupt that they essentially destroyed themselves. Nevertheless, the Torah documents in protracted detail, Abraham’s attempt to save them. Why would the Torah tell us of this attempt if it was futile? To teach us the nature of true faith – the faith of Abraham – that you do not passively accept destruction even of the wicked. Your faith dictates that you pray and pray, you beseech and implore that G-d preserve your fellow man.
Abraham’s message of faith that includes love is demonstrated in another incident, at the beginning of this week’s chapter. G-d appears to Abraham. In middle of their discussion, Abraham suddenly sees three strangers approaching him. He turns away from G-d to greet the strangers… Isn’t that chutzpah? G-d makes a one time appearance to Abraham and Abraham does not hesitate to turn away from G-d to greet strangers and welcome them into his tent and feed them!
The lesson is clear: Faith in G-d extends to loving other people, regardless of their background and similarity to you. Indeed, Abraham thought that these three strangers were pagans, dust worshippers! Yet, he greets them knowing that is the greatest way to greet G-d. From this incident we derive the lesson that “greeting guests is greater than welcoming G-d.” Had Abraham remained with G-d and ignored the strangers, he would have embraced G-d in a selfish way – only for himself. By greeting the guests he greeted G-d in a more powerful way – through greeting G-d’s creatures.
In a cold room you can warm yourself by donning a fur coat, which warms you but no one else. Or you can light a fireplace, and then warm everyone in the room. Faith is not about you alone, it is about everyone around you as well.
Abraham is the epitome of chesed (love) and the epitome of faith. Precisely because faith is so passionate and potent a force, it can be very destructive when not driven – and tempered – by love and compassion.
Ishmael was a ‘wild man,’ he inherited the wild and powerful passion of faith. And that’s exactly why, of all people, Ishmael is in such critical need of bittul – humility and suspension of self – to ensure that his passion is channeled in a G-dly and not in a destructive way.
Secure faith in G-d does not require you to destroy anyone that does not believe as you do. Secure faith in G-d is the absolute dedication to inspire.
G-d does not tell Abraham to destroy his son Ishmael. On the contrary, He promises him that he will be a nation – a great nation. Indeed, Ishmael’s journeys are documented in the Torah – how G-d is “with him,” protects and blesses him. Ishmael, being a son of the faithful Abraham, inherits Abraham’s faith. However, this is true only after Abraham listens to his wife Sarah and sends Ishmael away from their home. Ishmael will be a great nation under G-d, but only when he clearly recognizes his boundaries. Love also requires discipline – and only then is it true love, that brings humility instead of arrogance (see Tanya, Iggeret HaKodesh ch. 2). Sending Ishmael away from Isaac’s home was Abraham’s ultimate act of love, and one that would allow Ishmael to become a great nation.
Love is distorted when there are no boundaries. Faith is absolute, but that does not preclude diversity – different people, different nations, serving G-d each in their own way. Abraham taught faith and love, but he also taught that each person must serve G-d in his/her unique way, and that we inspire others to do so with compassion.
In a way, the need to separate between Isaac and Ishmael reflects the struggle between two approaches to faith and coexistence. Kabbalah and Chassidus teach that Ishmael is untempered chesed, while Isaac is gevurah (discipline), the antithesis of chesed, that balances and channels the chesed of Abraham.
Each of us – people of all faiths including Muslims – would do well to ask ourselves today: how my father Abraham would react to my attitudes and beliefs. Would he be proud of my behavior?
Suggested Actions
- Reach out to people with different backgrounds than your own, and have a discussion about faith.
- Emulate Abraham by inviting guests to your home.
- Review whether your faith helps you to inspire others or to criticize others.
Tags: faith, inspiration, Abraham, transformation, love, humility, Ishmael, coexistence, kindness
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Bereishit, Biblical, Abraham, Religion, Torah Personalities, Vayeira, Spiritual, Torah | 5 Comments »
