March 29th, 2017
Sometimes therapy is helpful (especially for survivors of abuse and other traumas, and for people who have serious long-term mental health issues) but there are times when people reach the point of “analysis paralysis”. What can you do when you’re paying a therapist to have the same conversation with you over and over, and you feel like you’re not making progress?
Think Differently
You can’t shoot a camera at night. In order to take a picture in the dark, you must use a flash — you must introduce new light to dispel darkness. If your previous ways of solving your problems are not working, and if your therapist’s methodology is not helping you, you need a third option. Bring in fresh air. Consult another professional. Pursue a new line of thought. Explore multiple new ways of thinking. Widen your horizons. It doesn’t matter if they are wrong or don’t solve your problem immediately — they will open you up to new solutions. The last thing you want to do is get stuck in the inertia of past patterns.
Beyond Therapy
Although therapy has many proven benefits, and some modes of therapy focus on finding and healing the roots of psychological problems, sometimes therapy alone is not enough in treating a problem. This is often true for people who struggle with addictions or suffer from other clinical, emotional, or chemical issues. In addition to therapy they may need medical intervention and/or a 12-step approach. In addition, we must always remember the power of faith and trust in a Higher Power, which goes beyond and complements human interventions. Obviously, always consult with health professionals before making any decisions.
Take Action
Do what you resist or are afraid of doing. Do just a fraction of it. Take one step in the direction of a break through. Do anything to jar yourself out of your slump. Try acting, then thinking.
Pursue and Practice Joy
Joy is the most transcendent emotional experience. When you are stuck in analysis paralysis, seek transcendence. The fastest track to transcendence is joy. Joy connects you to a Higher Power. Joy frees your inner child (AKA your soul — your authentic self) from the shackles of the material world. Even from the depths of depression, it is possible to experience joy. It requires letting go of your anger, ego, and the story of who you think you are. You may need to act in a way that may seem foolish. Never underestimate the transcendent power of dancing, singing, and extending yourself to help others.
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The Kabbalah of Psychology: The Study of the Soul
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Go deeper into this subject: How to Have a Breakthrough | How to Loosen Up | Does Therapy Work? | Is Psychology Good for Us? | Soul to Soul | Medicine, Psychology, and Spirituality
Tags: therapy, psychology, mental health
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March 27th, 2017
You are not your moods; your authentic self is not defined by whether you are happy or sad at a given moment. Although popular culture often suggests that anger and depression are signs of authenticity (especially in artists), the true self is the soul — the transcendent part of yourself that beckons you to pursue your purpose in life. There are, unfortunately, times in life when our moods cover up the inherent goodness and positive-outlook of our souls. While it is emotionally healthy to feel your feelings and not to suppress them, it’s not healthy to dwell on negative emotions, especially since they don’t reflect the real you. When you are feeling unhappy but need to change your mood back to one of empowerment and positive-thinking, one thing you can do is “act as if” you are in a better head space than you are. In other words: Fake it ’til you make it. In truth, you’re not really faking it, because you are simply expressing your true, positive spirit, which has gone under cover for a while.
Step One: Shift Your Focus Outward
Begin by taking a deep breath, and looking around. What do you see around you? Does it appear horrible? Yes? Great! This is your opportunity to help others. Whether you are truly interested in the well-being of those around you or not, act like you are. Do something to be of service. Ask someone how she’s feeling. Pick up a mess that’s on the floor. Help an old lady cross the street. The operative part of shifting your focus outward is to physically, or at least verbally, do something to help someone else. Behavioral change triggers the goodness at your inner core and brings it back to the surface.
Step Two: Force Yourself to Smile
Life does not demand a constant smile. There are times when it is wholly inappropriate to smile. But when you must be positive when you feel all but optimistic, use your face muscles against your will to smile. Grimacing will only reinforce your bad mood. Do the opposite. Maybe there is something funny about the situation that you are in. Go ahead and laugh at it! Feeling negative? Shake things up and do something unexpected: Smile!
Step Three: Think Good
Do first, then think! If you try to think optimistically before you shift your focus and start to act, your intellect could get stuck in an endless loop of over-thinking. Allow your thoughts to follow your positive actions.
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Just Dance: How to Fake It Till you Make It
Escaping Loneliness and Depression
Wednesday, February 26, 2020 @8:30pm
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Go deeper into this subject: MyLife: Chassidus Applied Episode 146 | When You Are Holding a Grudge | What to Do When Things Fall Apart | Joy On Demand
Tags: positive thinking, focus, optimism
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March 23rd, 2017
This new moon (Ha’chodesh Hazeh) shall be to you the head of months (This week’s special Torah portion – Exodus 12:2).
Moses found difficulty with the renewal of the moon…G-d therefore showed him with His finger the moon in the sky and said to him, “You will see a moon like this and you will then sanctify [the month].” Now how did G-d show it to Moses? Did He not speak to him only by day? …Rather, this chapter was said to Moses just before sunset, and He showed him [the moon] when it became dark (Rashi, from Midrash Mechilta. Talmud Menachot 29a)
Why did Moses have a problem with the moon’s renewal?
And what did G-d show him? If there was a moon in the sky, Moses could have looked up and seen it on his own. And if there was no moon yet – which is more likely because the new moon was just being born – what exactly did G-d show him? How can a new moon be seen with the naked eye?
Various reasons for Moses’ difficulty are posited by the sages. Some explain that Moses was unclear as to the exact criteria necessary to determine when we must sanctify the new moon. Others suggest that Moses was unsure how to determine whether he was actually seeing the new moon or perhaps the final stages of the old moon. But all these explanations seem inadequate for several reasons: Moses, who was quite an educated man, could have figured out, like any astronomer, the factors that constitute a new moon. Why did he need G-d to show it to him? Clearly, Moses was disturbed by something that only G-d could resolve. Additionally, as mentioned, the new moon does not yet have any shape and form, so what exactly did Moses see?
The mystics explain that Moses was struggling with some of the fundamental dilemmas of existence as they are reflected in the birth of the new moon (see Ohr HaTorah on this chapter, vol. 8 pp. 2902). Here we will focus on the psychological and personal application of this strange episode – which illuminates one of the most profound challenges in life: How to deal with pain and loss.
But first, another practical question. Why is the mitzvah of sanctifying the new moon told to Moses as a prelude to the redemption of the Jews from Egyptian bondage? What connection is there between the moon’s renewal and the Egyptian Exodus?
The waxing and waning moon reflects the ups and downs of life and history. The waning moon represents difficult times; periods that get darker and darker, like the fading moon. But just as the moon disappears, when all seems bleak and lost, we experience rebirth, newfound life – a new moon has been born.
The long Egyptian exile was the first documented instance of institutionalized oppression perpetrated by one nation against another. Multitudes of Jews were killed, tortured or worked to death in forced labor. The moon was dark indeed.
By commanding Moses to sanctify the new moon G-d was in effect imparting to Moses the power of renewal: Just as the moon is reborn right after its disappears, so too will the Jewish people experience a renaissance following their darkest moments.
Moses, however, was disturbed. He was happy to hear that the time of redemption – the birth of the new moon – had arrived. But he was bothered by the fact that when things get so dark, to the point that the moon emits no light at all, how can mortal man hold on? How do we gather strength when we don’t see any glimmer of hope? If we don’t have the energy to see it through, we can be consumed and destroyed by the darkness, and then never reach the new light…
Philosophically, Moses understood that a mortal human being will never fully fathom the mystery of pain and suffering. He also understood and believed that the “end story” was that we will endure and prevail over all our adversaries. Indeed, the Egyptian oppression forged a nation with enormous power, an eternal nation. The more they were oppressed, the more they proliferated and grew.
But Moses was disturbed because he knew that this was not enough. Moses in effect was saying: “If you want man to grow through the dark challenges, You, G-d, must give us the power of hope – the strength to see it through and forge ahead despite the inability to see the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’.”
G-d agreed. In response, G-d “pointed His finger” and showed Moses something that is otherwise impossible to see: The birthing itself. The point when the darkness turns into light, the exact moment when the seeds of suffering yield the fruits of greatness
When we cry over a disappointment or loss we feel pain and sorrow. We (and others) may understand that “those that sow in tears will reap in joy” (Psalms 126:5). But while we weep and taste our bitter tears, we cannot at the same time see the joy that will come. The seed by its very nature conceals its future fruit.
G-d therefore divulged to Moses the mystery of transformation, how darkness turns into light. And He revealed it as the sun was setting. Usually G-d spoke to Moses during the day. But in this instance G-d wanted to show Moses that even darkness yields light. He therefore spoke to him just before sunset, and He showed him the moon as darkness was falling.
This vision of Moses has a perpetual effect for all generations to come – to give us the power to make it through any challenge, no matter how difficult.
All birth in this world comes only after a moment of darkness. Growth is always preceded by a void. Creativity is a child of frustration. But when things seem bleak we get demoralized, and that in turn makes things far worse. If only we were able to see the birthing to come we would be able to endure the hardest times. The problem is that we cannot see from beneath the rubble the light ahead.
So once in history a man was shown the moment of rebirth. Once in history the invisible became visible.
That one vision has given us strength throughout history, as our lives have waxed and waned like the moon, to see it through. Even as we have stood at the abyss, at the brink of extinction, something deep inside us reminded us that all is not lost.
Where does such conviction come from? How does a mother have strength to fight for her child even when all doctors have given up hope? What power did the Jews have when they were herded into the gas chambers to sing “Ani Maamin” (“I believe”)? How is it possible that against all odds, in situations that were absolutely hopeless, a nation has not just survived but thrived?
This enormous, superhuman, power is rooted in Moses’ vision one lonely night in Egypt. As he looked up into the skies Moses saw nothing. The moon had completely disappeared. But then G-d pointed his finger and directed Moses to look closer: Hachodesh hazeh – here, look at the secret of rebirth, here I show you the moment that no man has ever seen and no man will ever see – the moment of transition, when one state is about to end only to open up a new state. Here is the invisible intersection where dark meets light, pain meets joy and exile meets redemption.
Birth means something new. We therefore can never actually see the exact moment when the old becomes new. But Moses did see – once for all times. G-d showed Moses the new moon at its moment of rebirth, and said to him: “When the moon is reborn, mark the beginning of a new month.”
As we now read the story of Exodus, the “book in which Israel goes from darkness to light” – the story of process, the process of loss and renewal, of suffering and growth, the process of death and birth – we can gather in our own lives much fortitude from the events that took place 3329 year ago.
When the next new moon arrives, go outside and look up into the sky. If we look hard enough perhaps we may get a glimpse of what Moses saw. But even if we can’t, our very gaze into the dark heavens, looking, searching, yearning, for the sliver of the new moon’s birthing, carries immense power – strength that can help us though any challenge.
* * *
Question for the Week: What does the moon mean for you?
Tags: light and darkness, redemption, Jewish calendar, mitzvot, challenges, renewal, sanctification of the moon, new moon, Moses
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Shmot, Bo, Nature, Spiritual, Torah | 4 Comments »
March 23rd, 2017
The key to loosening up and to being less uptight is to drink three glasses of whiskey in quick succession. Just kidding! It’s also not: deep breathing, smoking pot, repeating affirmations, or punching pillows. The aforementioned activities might give you a temporary sense of relief from stress, but they do not shift your mindset in the long term. If you want to know how to loosen up, what you really need to know is how to release your inner child. The phrase “inner child” is dismissed and mocked gets made fun of a lot because of its insipid use in pop psychology, but hear us out please. Spiritually, Kabbalistically, your inner child is your soul — your true self. Being uptight is a result of ego and fear getting in the way of your soul’s natural expression. If you want to experience permanent changes in your life, you’ve got to let your inner child out to play.
Your Inner Child Is Not a Buffoon
Children are loose and free. They are silly and love to play. Children are easily delighted by the smallest wonders; they are enchanted by life. The natural happiness of a child is not foolishness; it is innocence and purity. Children are not born angry, sad, or jaded — these are coping mechanisms that we learn from the adults around us. Being jaded is not at all a sign of maturity; it is defensiveness. In fact, immature adults are often the most cynical and irritable people. A sign of emotional maturity is leading with your soul, rather than with your ego. The soul (AKA the inner child) is infinitely intelligent. It is also infinitely happy.
Your Inner Child Is the Gateway to Transcendence
Picture yourself after a tense work day, sitting in traffic and late to your next engagement. Your shoulders are hunched, your jaw is locked, you’re ready to get out of the car and punch someone. Where is your inner child? He or she is buried deep inside you, covered up by layers of your adult stress. When stressed your best move it to step back and find your soul — you inner child. Your soul is reality, whereas your neuroses are a concoction of your intellect. Your innocent inner child is the natural you; anxiety is an acquired state. Your true, innocent self is the gateway to transcending life’s material difficulties.
The following exercise will reintroduce you to your inner child. Repeating the exercise on a daily basis (at least once a day, but ideally twice a day) will gradually rewire your brain and emotions to default to your inner child rather than to your adult stress.
Exercise: Get your phone out, set a timer for five minutes, and look around you as if you are a child. Instead of analyzing what you see, explore it with curiosity. Allow yourself to be exhilarated by the moment. For these five minutes, just exist. Just be. Don’t worry — when the timer rings, you can put the weight of the world back on your shoulders. Who are you when your superimposed narrative is turned off? What does it feel like not to be fired up by the same old toxic thoughts and angry or depressed feelings? Journal about it in MyMLC.
Sign up now for your FREE MyMLC account and get access to a variety of resources, including a daily journal, to record the growth and progress of your daily soul workouts and meaningful journey.
Go deeper into this subject: Your Inner Child, I Am a Child and I Believe, My Dear Child
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Tags: children, anger, soul, inner child, mindfulness, Stress
Posted in Soul Gym, Personal Life, Emotions & Psychology | No Comments »
March 21st, 2017
Trees teach us the critical components of success in life:
Roots are a metaphor for our support network; for our home base.
No tree can survive and grow without nurturing and anchoring roots. The emotional sustenance provided to us by our parents in our early, formative years are our roots. Like a gardener watering a sapling, our parents nourish us with their love and nurturing. They cultivate the foundations that anchor our lives, and their validation infuses us with self confidence.
Don’t be deceived: Some people might look like mighty trees — we may look very accomplished — but when you cut below the surface you may discover roots that are very weak, or negligible, almost nonexistent. What happens if a person is lacking roots, or the roots are compromised? It’s like a tree that is lacking the nourishment necessary for its survival. Without healthy roots we end up starving for love, which in turn effects virtually every aspect of our lives. Why? Everything needs a root. To be secure in life, you must be loved and nurtured. You must know that you come from somewhere and that you’re embedded in a strong and grounded network of ancestors. Your roots are your emotional and spiritual sustenance. For a tree to bear fruit, it must have solid roots and a strong trunk. If the roots begin to deteriorate, the rest of the tree will also deteriorate.
The fascinating thing about roots is that even though the roots are beneath the ground, the roots are also the reason that the tree grows. Majestic trees grow outward with free abandon, but they always know that they have deep roots, that they are grounded. They say that the only thing that grows in two directions at once is a tree: The roots grow downward as the tree grows upward. Even though the roots are not visible to the naked eye and don’t seem so obvious, they are like the foundation of a building. Its solid foundation allows it to grow.
Think of it this way: A bird first needs a protective nest before it can fly. When you have a nest to come back to, you have the confidence to fly securely — your confidence has been built up by the nurturing it received at its nest. People who don’t have a nest might look like they are flying, and they might actually fly, but they are not flying securely. A very secure person has the license and liberty to explore. The greatest explorers are the ones that are fearless, but fearlessness comes with security.
Integrity: The tree trunk is a metaphor for unwavering solidity.
While (often underground) roots are the indispensable foundation of a tree, which allow it to grow upward and outward, a tree also has a solid trunk above ground. Trees are known for their solidity. A strong tree does not get destroyed in a storm. It sways, but it stands. The firm tree trunk reflects our solid, unwavering values; our integrity:
- What do you believe in?
- What is your purpose in life?
- What are boundaries that you will not cross?
- In what areas of life are you reliable, and in what areas of life are you spontaneous? Does your spontaneity need to be balanced by reliability, or vice versa?
Growth: The deeper the roots, the greater the fruits.
When we have healthy roots and solid values, we then grow, Growth is the ultimate expression of a successful life, one that does not remain standing, but is always growing and spreading out.
Growth also includes bearing fruit. What is the beauty and power of a fruit? Perpetuity. The fruit, via its seeds’ germination and growth, becomes forever. Fruits have perennial impact. The seed bears a fruit, and the fruit in turn bears seeds, which then bears more fruit, ad infinitum. Fruits give you a taste of eternity.
Fruit defines our eternal impact as humans. In our life journey we have the opportunity to plant seeds wherever we go, through our kind words and good deeds. You may have said something to someone 10 years ago, and then you hear that your words bore fruit. We don’t usually see the the fruit borne from the seeds we plant. Once in a while we are blessed to see the impact we have had — not to get to our heads but to show us the power that we have to forever illuminate our corner of the world. When we act kindly and positively impact another person (even if we are not aware of their impact), we have eternally changed the world. And our fruit, bear more fruit in a never ending continuum.
And yet … the key to eternal perpetuation is that solid foundation, which is supported by roots. It comes around full circle: The deeper the roots, the greater the fruits.
Go deeper into this subject: Are you growing and bearing fruit?, My Child, Man is a Tree of the Field: Of Trees and Man
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Why the Most Important Growth Is Invisible
February 4, 2026 @8:30pm
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Tags: children, parenting, parents, trees, your mission, purpose in life
Posted in Soul Gym, Personal Life, Home & Family | 2 Comments »
March 17th, 2017
“I once asked someone, ‘Do you have any blind spots?’ He said, ‘Yes, but I know where they are.'” – Rabbi Simon Jacobson
Subjectivity blinds us. One way that it blinds us is that we often look for solutions to problems in the wrong places — we look where it is comfortable, where it does not pain us. Self-growth and the spiritual journey require integrity — honest introspection and accountability, even if it isn’t always pleasant. This includes admitting wrongs that we have done, and we can’t do that unless we are willing to endure the discomfort of being honest with ourselves.
Get help from an objective mentor.
The gift of an objective mentor, whether it is a spiritual teacher or a good friend, is to have someone who can offer unbiased advice not affected by your subjectivity, someone who can point out your blind spots. (Of course, the mentor has his own subjectivity, but regarding you he is not subjective). A mentor can look at your life — the patterns and choices you have made — and see it very differently than you do; with a clarity that you may not have. The hardest thing is to accept the advice of a mentor which challenges the way you see things. Who likes to believe and admit their blind spots or wrongs? Yet, that’s the whole point of integrity — being able to hear another person’s unprejudiced observation of your behavior and beliefs. But like a tender nerve, the closer a problem is to home, the more painful it gets, and the more resistance we will have in seeking help. Our shame and pride are additional factors that make acknowledging our wrongs particularly difficult.
When you are the objective mentor…
It’s impossible to force anyone to listen to you if they block themselves (intentionally or not) from hearing what you have to say. Often a person becomes more receptive when they, sadly, hit rock bottom or something traumatic shakes them up. One key to getting someone to acknowledge their shortcomings and mistakes is to find openings. Every one has a gate that opens to their heart. Words from the heart enter the heart. When you speak with love and non-judgmentalism, it is far easier to find that opening and reach into a person’s heart, in ways that he does not put up his guard and deploy his defense mechanisms. Initially, people might be very closed, but kindness ultimately opens up doors even when the person is blinded and hurt. The hurt person may kick and scream, but sincere warmth ends up opening channels. If not today, tomorrow. There is always an opening, but it can only be opened with love. Everybody can be reached with sensitive and effective empathy.
Go slowly. Be gentle with yourself.
It takes time and patience to allow yourself to hear an objective opinion that challenges your own, often longstanding, subjective self perception and blind spots. It never comes easy to acknowledge that you may have made mistakes in the past. So take it step by step, slowly acclimating yourself to the fresh perspective, in ways that you can absorb and internalize it. A sudden bout of self-criticism yields depression, anger, demoralization and feeling like a victim. You cannot see yourself as your own enemy; you cannot flagellate yourself. Always remember: Your identity is not defined by your mistakes and wrongs. You may have done something wrong (and who has not?), but that doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. Your identity is defined by your accountability and what you do to correct a wrong. When you are ready to admit wrongs, simply face the objective reality of the choices you have made. There is no reason to hate yourself — hating yourself will not help you grow. The key to healthy self-development is to nurture what is good inside yourself. Yes, you start by admitting your wrongs. But then, more importantly, you put your wrongs to rest as you bring out your pure, healthy essence.
Go deeper into this subject: MyLife: Chassidus Applied Episode 45, Respectful Honesty, Even When It Hurts, What to Do When You Make a Mistake
Tags: self-discovery, forgiveness, self-development, honesty, self-help
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March 16th, 2017
Much has been said how pain and loss often serve as wake up calls, making us aware of deeper truths. How about joy and success – what do they tell us about the human condition? When you are riding high and celebrating success, do you feel arrogant and self-important? Posturing as if you deserve all your blessings and taking them for granted? Or do they make you humble and gracious?
One of the ultimate barometers of life’s destiny is gauged by the way we behave in times of plenty. But the challenge is great: The complacency and false sense of confidence bred by success can be our worst enemy.
* * *
One of the saddest and most dramatic episodes in history is recounted in this week’s Torah portion: The building of the Golden Calf.
While Moses was communing with G-d on Mt. Sinai, the people below became restless and demanded “make us a god to lead us.” They brought their gold and it was molded into the cast of a golden calf – an idol – which they in turn began to worship.
A tragic moment indeed. At the most momentous event in history, when the greatest mandate of civilization was given to the human race, under the very shadow of Sinai, a nation of priests were indulging themselves, eating, drinking, prostrating themselves and taking pleasure before a… god made of gold.
Volumes have been written about this travesty. How was it possible that a highly evolved nation – a “knowledgeable generation” who personally witnessed and experienced the greatest revelations ever to take place, a people who had but 39 days earlier heard the Divine commandment “thou shalt not have other gods” – should so blatantly betray G-d?!
This paradox of extremes contains a profound personal and psychological message, as relevant today as it was then.
The Talmud offers us a truism (Sukkah 52a): The greater the person the greater his Yetzer Hara (evil inclination). The more powerful the experience, the more powerful the challenge. The same is true collectively: When a great nation experienced the unprecedented Sinai revelation, the forces of resistance arose in direct proportion to the magnitude of the moment.
The stakes were high: Sinai transformed existence. Until that point in time, matter and spirit were two distinct entities, with an impenetrable schism dividing them. At Sinai heaven wedded earth, and it enabled us to fuse matter and energy forever after.
Indeed, the Talmud explains that Sinai “ceased the [spiritual] toxicity” which entered human consciousness after the eating of the Tree of Knowledge (Shabbos 146a). Before Adam and Eve ate from the tree, their beings and psyches seamlessly flowed from their spirits. No dichotomy existed between who they were and what they did. Like an innocent child, they were not self-conscious, because their self was not divorced from their souls. When they ate from the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil, consciousness and self-consciousness was born. And with it entered the serpent’s “venom” – human reality became polluted with toxic self interest, which would devolve into the narcissistic source of all injustice and corruption. At Sinai, however, the spiritual smog lifted as the air was cleared.
But with every powerful experience comes an equally powerful resistance. Instead of humbly appreciating the moment, the people became self-satisfied and overconfident and proceeded to worship the Golden Calf, which allowed the toxicity to return (Zohar I 52b), replaying the first sin of eating from the Tree of Knowledge.
Each of us in our lives will be faced with similar challenges:
Sinai characterizes the special moments in our lives. The Golden Calf epitomizes self-worship – and the worship of man-made objects – instead of the awe and humility in face of the Divine. If Sinai represents our purity and innocence, the golden idol is the moment when we lose our innocence.
At times we will experience a “Sinai” moment of truth. Simultaneously, we must be wary that the dark forces within our psyches will come beckoning. Sometimes they will manifest in a voice of cynicism or skepticism, sometimes in a voice of arrogance or self-indulgence, at other times in a voice of cockiness and smugness.
All great moments bring great challenges. When we experience an epiphany, a moment of inspiration, a magical moment, always know that with it will come an equally powerful potent counter voice that will challenge you. Often when we are blessed with a special blessing, we take for granted our gift and let our guard down.
And that moment will be your ultimate moment of truth; it will demonstrate the type of person you truly are. The noblest moments in a person’s life can be seen either in times of great loss or in times of great joy.
When the Alter Rebbe, Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, was miraculously released from Czarist prison, after his enemies had turned him in, you would think that he had every right to feel proud and self-righteous. Yet, not only did he not gloat – which obviously was to be expected – he went on to write his classic letter, citing Jacob: “I have been humbled by all the goodness you have done for me.” After Jacob returned to meet his brother Esau, with all the great blessings that he had experienced with building a beautiful family despite all the challenges of living in a hostile environment, Jacob declared his humility: “I have been humbled by all the goodness you have done for me.”
This is the majesty of great people. It is never about them personally. Even when their Divine cause emerges victorious, they experience profound humility.
Witness a person at his high point – at the epitome of joy – and you will see what he or she is made of. Does your success bring arrogance or humility?
Each of us will have Sinai revelations in our lives, a pollution-free beautiful moment. It may be falling in love, the birth of a child, a child’s wedding, a major breakthrough. At that moment you will have respite from the toxins of self-interest. But it will not be easy. For every positive voice there will be an equal cool voice tempering any enthusiasm. At that point the voice of the Golden Calf will come calling, knocking at your door. Every sin, every transgression, every human mistake has an element of the Golden Calf within it (Rashi this week’s portion 32:34).
And then you will have a choice: Will your grand experience cause you to worship yourself or will it humble you?
Will you use your power to abort the toxins of self-worship and self-interest that feed the fragmentation of our lives and of the universe? Or will you introduce the power of unity and integration?
What you do at that moment will define your life.
Over 3300 years ago at Sinai the people did not pass the test. Will we today?
Image: “Golden Calf” by: Dido Crosby
Tags: humility, arrogance, moshe, tests, Jacob, golden calf, Moses, Alter Rebbe, Mt. Sinai, confidence
Posted in Weekly Parsha, Shmot, Personal Life, Emotions & Psychology, Ki tissa | 8 Comments »
March 15th, 2017
We were all born as pure beings, but life experiences can produce a lot of negativity in a person. While nobody’s soul is toxic, their behavior and attitude might be. We must always see the good in people, but we must also use discernment when choosing who we spend time with. There are people who can be so negative that they drag us into their negative world. How can we deal with such a negative personality or behavior without losing our own dignity and composure?
Determine Whether You Have to Deal With the Situation or Not
Choose your battles. We can’t solve every problem in life. You don’t want to get into a situation in which you become so drained by the effort that you are unable to help anyone. We must accept that as much as we want to be helpful, not every person who comes our way is our issue. If you feel you can’t achieve anything, or if the person is actually causing damage to your health, psyche, or peace of mind, maybe it’s a person you don’t have to be involved with. You can only help someone who wants to help himself.
If You Must Deal With A Toxic Personality, Respond Only In A Healthy Way
There are situations where you have no choice, whether it is a family member, coworker, or someone else who you can’t avoid. When you witness some toxic behavior, you must avoid responding in a way that is also toxic. Check your own emotions. Some toxic personalities can really press buttons and cause us to become furious. If you are in a sensitive situation it is best to step back and not get yourself immersed and involved in it. You have to be there to help, not to become part of the problem. Very often what happens is that both parties shoot off poisonous darts, and it becomes a vicious cycle. The back and forth of toxic behavior compounds the negativity.
It makes sense to try to empathize with the toxic person, but never at the expense of losing yourself. It is critical that you don’t become an enabler, a savior, or a pleaser. These are all the pathological responses to toxicity. You can protect yourself by setting certain boundaries; by responding with dignity.
Healthy People Bring Fresh Air Into a Toxic Environment
When dealing with a toxic personality, you not only have to develop a way to immunize yourself, but to bring fresh air into the picture. For example, you have a relative who is always negative and is speaking negatively in your presence, you have to maintain your calm and always say something positive like, “I don’t see it quite that way. I see a positive element.” The person may argue with you, but you have to hold your ground. Just as the toxic person always exudes negativity, the healthy person is always brings positive energy into the situation. Healthy behavior is the best way to repel, neutralize and ultimately weaken toxicity. Setting a healthy example gives the person with a toxic attitude a standard to emulate that he may not have been exposed to.
Do Your Best and Let Your Higher Power Do the Rest
A soul is never toxic. But people may have life experiences that make them very angry and resentful. That does not justify their behavior. We have to try to connect to the pure part of that person’s soul and elicit in him or her a way to find positivity. Try to help him rebuild by finding something he could hold on to, such as things he enjoys doing and could come home and feel proud about. As stated, this requires care, empathy, and boundaries. You do what you can do, and then turn it over to your Higher Power to do the rest. You can only do your best — in the end the person must be willing to help himself.
Go deeper into this subject: Before You Get Outraged, Do This, Abusive Parents, MyLife: Chassidus Applied Episode 40
This is an excerpt from: The Student Anti-Violence Walk Out: A Spiritual Perspective On The Power of Youth
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Tags: healthy relationships, self-help, relationships, boundaries
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March 14th, 2017
Although our bodies and minds age naturally, emotional maturity takes effort. How much work do you need to do to become emotionally mature? Find out by taking this quiz.
1. When my car breaks down on the way to work, I …
A. Get scared and cry. What if I’m late to work? Who will I call to help me? What if I am stuck here? By the time I call the tow truck, I am falling apart.
B. Get angry and kick my car. This stupid car is a piece of junk and the guy who sold it to me is a crook! I call my boss screaming mad, cursing out my car. Then I call the tow truck and yell at the dispacher to send the truck now!
C. First I call my boss and let her know what happened. Then I call a tow truck. I’m not sure if it is safe to stand on the side of the road, so I use my intuition to guide me. In the end, I choose to sit in my car with the doors locked until the tow truck arrives.
2. My spouse (or person I am dating) calls to tell me that he or she has to cancel date night. S/he just found out that s/he has to work overtime. I …
A. Pout. We were supposed to go out tonight. How can s/he do this to me? I think s/he doesn’t really love me. S/he is probably thinking about leaving me.
B. Tell my significant other that s/he always does this, and I’m sick of it.
C. Remember that last week I had to work overtime. I tell my spouse (or person I am dating) that I understand, things like this happen, and let’s reschedule the date another night this week.
3. In a tense political Facebook thread, a “friend” attacks me, saying, “You’re part of the problem! People like you are racist!” I …
A. Apologize. I don’t want everyone to think I am a racist. Everyone is going to hate me.
B. Tell the person that he’s an uneducated idiot who doesn’t know his head from his butt.
C. It’s Facebook. Who cares? I respond with a link to an op-ed that I agree with, and then log off. I stated my position, and there’s no point trying to win an argument with an angry person on the Internet.
4. A store clerk is moving slowly at the register, and I’m in a rush to pay and get out the door. I …
A. Feel bad for myself. Nobody gives good service anymore.
B. Say loudly so that everyone else in line as well as the clerk can hear me, “Why is this line moving so slowly? Some people have things to do and can’t wait all day!”
C. Admit that this is life on life’s terms. I weigh my options: I could leave my item and try to pick one up somewhere else later when I am not in a rush; or I could wait in line. I choose to wait in line and feel secure with my choice.
5. My manager yells at me a lot. He acts like I am single-handedly ruining the company. I …
A. Get nervous every time he sends me an email or passes my desk. I spend most of my time apologizing to him. Maybe I am not very good at my job. He’s probably right.
B. Quit. Who does he think he’s messing with? I don’t have to take this!
C. Do my job. When he gets really out of control, I ask him to speak nicely to me. I am confident about the value of my work, although I am always seeking to improve. If possible, I request a meeting with my manager to smooth things out. And I work toward having timely meetings to ensure that we are on the same page, and we preempt issues that may come up.
6. A woman on the street looks me up and down and frowns. I …
A. Internalize it. I knew I shouldn’t have worn this outfit today. I look foolish. Everyone, all day, probably thought I looked like a dope.
B. Say to her, “What are you looking at? Do you have a problem with me? Because if you have a problem with me, say it to my face!”
C. Think to myself, “Huh. That was an uncomfortable interaction. I feel kind of judged,” and then focus my attention on other things.
If you answered mostly C’s, you’re pretty darn emotionally mature! It’s clear that you take responsibility for your emotions, and you’re able to make choices using both your intellect and your instincts. You’re doing well, but the sky is the limit when it comes to self-refinement. Keep growing!
If you answered mostly A’s and B’s, you’ve got some emotional growing up to do. Don’t worry, though. You are capable of working on your emotional responses to challenges. Just like your intellect can grow, so can your emotions. With self-awareness and a commitment to change, you’re just a few steps away from emotional maturity.
Exercise: Make a list of your emotional strengths and weaknesses. Make time every day to focus on a weaker emotion; making an active effort to overcome your natural responses and reactions. Also make time every day to focus on a positive emotion; making an active effort to share your positive responses and reactions. Journal about it in your MyMLC journal.
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Go deeper into this subject: Are You Emotionally Mature: Mature Mind vs. Mature Heart, 49 Days of Personal Transformation: Refine Your Emotions by Counting the Omer
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Tags: emotions, maturity, Intellect, spiritual maturity, quiz
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March 10th, 2017
If you want to be happy, here’s a golden rule: Never define yourself by those who mock you. Here’s why: The opposite of happiness is not sadness; it’s rage.
Sadness isn’t that bad. A secure person is able to be sad. She will feel the emotional experience fully, but it won’t change her perception of herself. In the midst of sadness, she will still have inner security. Her inner joy stays consistent regardless of the situation she is in. She sees life like a spiral staircase: One side of the staircase is in the sun; the other side is in the dark; but she knows she’s always moving up the staircase, connected to an infinite power.
Rage is another story. Rage demonstrates fundamental insecurity. Those who rage, it is because they have nothing internal to celebrate. Those who react violently, who scream at others, who approach life with hostility — they have one thing in common: They don’t know who they are or why they are alive. They live in reaction to what they hate. They are empty people.
Your mood and attitude on life cannot be determined by parents, by strangers, by anyone who is critical of you. The key to growth is knowing that you are no one’s victim. You are not a result of circumstances. You are an independent individual created by an infinite power. Yes, in early years we are dependent on nurturing, love, support, and the building of our self esteem by the people who are close to us. But, you are fundamentally an individual who should never ever define herself by others’ moods, likes, or dislikes.
No matter what your life has been like until now, your soul is throbbing inside you, waiting to be released. Channel it and harness it into your daily life. Energize even mundane things. When you unchain your soul, everything becomes elevated and transformed. You have cause to celebrate your life when you’re living from your soul.
Have you ever asked yourself where your passion is when nobody is inciting you? Ask yourself! Ask yourself who you are when you strip away your job, the nasty things people say to you, how much money you have or don’t have, and the things that you spend your money on. How do you think of yourself? Do you know who you are when your psyche isn’t being assaulted by messages to buy this thing, do this thing, don’t be this way? Who are you when all of the intruding voices from outside yourself are silenced?
You are an indispensable entity to a power much higher than yourself. You were put on Earth with a purpose that only you can fulfill. You can’t fulfill your purpose if you define yourself by others’ expectations. What do they know about who you really are? Nobody truly knows your soul except for the force who created it.
When you know what you stand for at the soul level, you’ll never be anybody’s victim. Know your driving force. Know your eternal values. Then no slight, no provocation, no insult, no diss will ever steal your internal joy. Your vengeance for all the wrongs done to you will be the love and light that you produce.
Go deeper into this subject: We Dance, They Rage, Joy On Demand, Functional and Dysfunctional Joy
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How Hatred Consumes and Destroys
Wednesday, January 10, 2024 @8:30pm
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Tags: sadness, self-worth, self-confidence, anger, joy, happiness, soul, self-discovery
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